#19 The Shisitor

There’s nothing like a good friend.  Especially one that comes over and treats your apartment like a truck stop on the Interstate.  With a harmless “Where’s your bathroom?”, the Shisitor transforms from house guest to porcelain-pounding dump-fest. 
Sure, they brought over a six-pack of Bud Diesel, but their real gift to you is that unmistakable mix of Citrus [...]

#18 The Stoplight NoseMiner

Everyone knows there’s three things you can do at a red light: change the radio, send a text, or curse that slow asshole in front of you for stopping at the yellow. But the Stoplight NoseMiner has a different agenda: find that precious ore of booger, and excavate that sucker out.
When their car comes to [...]

#17 The Thumb Ring Guy

The Thumb-Ring Guy is the grown-up version of that white kid in middle school who put beads in his hair. And as an adult, his thumb ornaments show the world that he’s still the most “new age” herb in the spice rack.  
Obviously, Thumb-Ring Guy’s stand out attribute is the thumb ring he so [...]

#16 The Felly Shirt

You wouldn’t shove two pounds of jello into a one pound mold, would you? Of course not. It wouldn’t fit and shit would spill everywhere. But to the Felly Shirt, this magical act of force-fitting is an everyday accomplishment.
Like a pastry chef stuffing cream into doughnut, they squeeze their guts into the smallest [...]

#15 The Smeller

Did someone just open a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos or – Oohh, man!  Who invited the Smeller?!
The Smeller is a notorious, shit-stinking beast.  Like a the body of a prostitute, they carry with them an assortment of smells unknown to the clean human palate.  Moth balls, woodchips, taco meat, grandma…you name it.  If it’s a [...]

#14 The “Let Me Tell You About My Day” Guy

For some reason, the “Let Me Tell You About My Day” Guy thinks that every aspect of their day is both interesting and conversation-worthy.  Like a pent up volcano, they will spew onto you a wave of personal complaints and useless stories — what their boss said to them, how they flirted with a co-worker, [...]

#13 The Sushi Snob

There’s nothing like dropping $140 on dinner, only to be told “there’s a better place by my house”.  Much like the raw fish they so fervently protect, the Sushi Snob is a smelly, arrogant vagina that may make you sick to your stomach.
They are an unwanted conosuerre of the dining world, a pompous and brutally-picky [...]

#12 The Blatant Joke T-Shirt Guy

The most recent trend in the slipping of white guys comes in the form of their wardrobe — more specifically, the t-shirt. Like a billboard selling books to the illiterate, the Blatant Joke T-shirt Guy will print his stupidity front and center, for all to see.
The Blatant T-shirt Guy is the ultimate cheat in [...]

#11 The Fake Boob

There’s nothing like two silicon implants of self-confidence. For the Fake Boob, that’s what it’s all about: implanting attention.
Much like Hoodini, the Fake Boob will disappear for a brief moment, then miraculously reappear with a set of rockin’ tits. Bigger ones.
Flaunting is critical to the Fake Boob. In order [...]

#10 The Pet Dresser

The Pet Dresser is like Joan River’s face. Wrong, hideous, and unnatural — but you’re not going to say anything because you know it won’t matter. They are an ugly breed, and unfortunatly, their pets pay the price.
They will go to great lengths and huge budgets to prove to the world that their [...]