#11 The Fake Boob

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There’s nothing like two silicon implants of self-confidence. For the Fake Boob, that’s what it’s all about: implanting attention.

Much like Hoodini, the Fake Boob will disappear for a brief moment, then miraculously reappear with a set of rockin’ tits. Bigger ones.

Flaunting is critical to the Fake Boob. In order to feel that they’ve “gotten their money’s worth”, they will show, flash, and lotion those mammary mountains like it was going out of style. Their wardrobe must be as chest-heavy as possible. Those now-huge knockers must be shoved and squeezed into the smallest clothing possible. If it can be arranged, doll clothes are a plus.

The Fake Boob is driven by the concept of “bigger is better”. The mere thought of bigger boobs gets their nipples hard. By increasing the bust size, they increase their life. Happiness, wealth — all their problems will be transplanted away. This is known as the “old titty fix”.

Occasionally, the Fake Boob may loose their mind, and inflate their breast size to abnormal proportions. Like these martian balloons to the left. It’s a mental lapse known by Doctors as “biggitittyitus”.

And while men may oggle over the Fake Boob’s iconic spheres, they are still fake. You’re not really fooling anyone. When said funbags start to sag, the Fake Boob is then faced with a whole new set of Old Fake Boob problems.

You can find the Fake Boob concentrated in Los Angeles, on porn stars, and scattered throughout other major cities. The Fake Boob will more than likely be attracted to other fake things, such as the Fake Tan, the Fake Friend, and in horrific circumstances, The Blowout.

So if your friend goes to the supermarket and comes back with a fresh batch of confidence and two cantaloupes under her shirt, be wary. She may have just become a Fake Boob. (And you may have just scored front row seats to a titty show. No dollar bills required.)
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Also Known As: The Funbag Fix, Silicon Confidence, Major Boobage, The “Eyes Down Here” Girl, The Titty Transformer, The “Notice Something Different?” Dame, Boobing For Compliments, Metamorphatits

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