There was a time when it horrified the public to hear that guitar-legend Robert Johnson had sold his soul at the crossroads for Rock God status. Yet today, no one bats an eye when the Reality Show Contestant whores their soul out for a pack of American Spirits, a fresh strain of Herpes, and a slot on the latest installment of Bret Michael’s “Suck My Rocks IV”.
To the Reality Show Contestant, eating raw cow testicles and blowing some quasi-celebrity on screen is proof that they too are “celebrities”. This is key. The Reality Show Contestant’s desire to be famous follows a “no holds barred” strategy — they will do anything, screw anyone, and even disgrace their own family, to stay on the show.
Their ultimate goal: To get their own reality show. One where they can make someone else eat moose dick for their “love”. They’ve seen how Flavor of Love’s “New York”s borderline psychotic behavior got her her very own show. And they’ve seen Tila Tequila’s bi-sexual gangbang turn from MySpace Tweak to Reality Freak. These are dreams coming true, people.
“But why?” you ask. “Why would someone make their own Grandmother take deep throating lessons from Tila Tequila just to win that weeks competition?” The answer is simple. They want to “find love”. You’ve seen how quickly they can turn on the waterworks, and start mindlessly blabbering about how much they love Bret Michaels or want to be with Flava Flav for the rest of his life. They love him. Of course, by “love”, they mean they love the attention, and more importantly, the cameras. They really love the cameras. Really.
Uhh...You may want to use a Dental Dam
Yet, the Reality Show Contestant does possess one unique trait. They need to be unleashed — chosen. Without cameras, the RSC is just a lunatic with serious parental issues and a loose moral backbone. But after a few sessions with Mr. Producer, they turn into well oiled TV gold.
You can find the Reality Show Contestant on any broadcast or cable network around 8-9 PM, with high concentrations on MTV and VH1. After their 10 week stint on I Love Money VII, you’ll undoubtedly see them trying to leapfrog their “stardom” into a successful entertainment career. And failing miserably.
If you ever see a Reality Show Contestant in public, please, for the love of god, do not give them attention. It will only stroke their ego, and in turn, encourage them to audition for another Reality Show.
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Also Known As: Meat Puppets, The Reality TV Doody, The Callsheet Says Love, TV’s Least Talented, Flava Sava, Who Wants To Marry A Tramp?
1 Comment
July 23, 2008 at 10:37 am
id jerk off a homeless guy to be on tv