Fresh off a bong rip and the latest installment of “Zeitgeist”, the Conspiracy Theorist is there to let you know that this society we live in is not quite a “society” at all. It’s all a huge lie propagated by corporations and evil governments worldwide.
Did you know that Big Business controls our government? And that our government LIES to us? Do you know how happy our society would be if we bandished the monetary system, and in it’s place, set up a system of equality and shared goods?
Yeah, no shit. I’d also be a lot happier if the ATM tickled my balls when I withdrew money, but it doesn’t. And I’d like a happy ending every time I buy a loaf of bread, but that doesn’t happen either. (Believe me, I keep my hopes high.)
But all this “reality”, “real world” nonsense is not important. To the Conspiracy Theorist, it’s all about just that — theory. Hypothetical fantasy lands where money is abolished and people live in harmony. There’s no fighting and no 9/11, because everyone shares and does their part. And the best part is, it rains gumdrops here!
Key traits of the Conspiracy Theorist are: medium-to-long hair, usually unkempt; a beard or mustache of some variety — again, unkempt; bags under their eyes due to hours spent scouring the internet for “clues”; ugly sweaters and/or turtlenecks; and a weakness for the sticky icky. They like organic food, as it lacks “government poison”, and enjoy anywhere between 2-4 cups of coffee a day. Black. Just like the heart of George Bush.
Yet, the one thing the CT loves more than anything else is talking. Much like the “Let Me Tell You About My Day Guy”, you could be in the middle of a normal conversation and let’s say you mention “movies” or “money” — BLAM! — say goodbye to your next two hours. Your in for a world of CT BS.
You can find the Conspiracy Theorist concentrated in deep, woodsy areas, or on the “outskirts” of major cities. They’ll most likely be high and watching “Loose Change”, “Zeitgiest”, “Zietgiest II”, or the Mel Gibson/Julia Roberts starrer “Conspiracy Theory”. If you find yourself stuck in a conversation with a CT, tell them you’re in law school, training to become a Politician. They’ll assume you’re part of “the program”, and shut up faster than a whore at a cock party.
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Also Known As: The Useless Debater, Lie-Loving Larry, The 9/11 Fanster, They’re After Me, Theo Theory, Ballsack Face, Gullible’s Travels
4 Comments
December 14, 2008 at 10:03 pm
This stuff is hilarious!
Have added you to my blogroll!
December 20, 2008 at 10:26 am
There is life, afterall, in Blogland.
Thanks.
January 7, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Wow this sounds exactly like my brother lol. Good stuff.
January 15, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Man, that’s not cool, cause there really is a powerful group of 10 white men all aged over 60 who control the world. They wear those white hair wigs that old-world England is famous for. They play RISK to determine which country to stage a coup d’etat in and replace the leader with a gum drop chewing pedophile son of a bitch. They then created hamburgers that eat people on the island of Rand McNally. You’ve been warned.
One actual point – the major problem with CT’s is that they use the world Conspiracy. If they wanted to be taken seriously they wouldn’t even think of that word as it immediately disproves anything they say (in the minds of the reader/listener) and makes them seem like fools.