Picasso would be proud

But to the Shitter Graffitti Artist, this is art school. That toilet seat is a beautiful blank canvas — a brownish-yellow stained platform through which they can truly express themselves. That’s not just a plastic ass-holder, it’s a circular shrine to artistic integrity.

Sure, it’s regularly urinated on. But that doesn’t matter. Urine and feces don’t phase the SGA — the feed off of it. In fact, that toilet is surrounded on four sides by walls which could have just as easily been graffitied. But no! They chose the toilet seat itself — the throne, the porcelain palace. This is where the SGA shines.

After all, what speaks louder than carving your name into where people put their colon? If you answered “nothing”, then you’re starting to understand. It’s about respect, recognition. That carving technique they learned in Shawshank State Penitentiary can finally reach the wide audience they dreamed about while sharpening shivs on Cell Block E. It’s finally happening for them.

Now, I should pause to clarify. The Shitter Graffitti Artist is not to be confused with the equally mindless Toilet Seat Decorator (seen on the right). The main difference between these two fecalfeliacs is that the Toilet Seat Decorator spends hours upon hours gluing seashells or other “quaint” objects to toilet seats, while the Shitter Graffiti Artist spends a few panicked seconds carving “RALFIE” onto a piss-stained restroom. Other than that, the two are quite similar — both share what scientists have identified as the I.D.I.O.T. Gene (or in medical terminology, the “I Decorate Insanity On Toilets” Gene).

The SAG is largely of the male persuasion, as women have an intense fear of toilet seats (hence, the development of “the squat”). It is also more prevalent among males who are not incredibly sexually active, as if they were, they’d spend their time talking to women instead of touching public toilets. The SAG can be found in most truck stops and bars around the country, generally concentrated in areas where the aforementioned “vagina” is lacking.
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Also Known As: The Mona Loser, The Restroom Renaissance Man, Doodyfingers, What Germs?, The Toilet Seat Smithsonian, Port-O-Painter, You Should Really Get A Hobby, Picasso’s Plumber

I think she knows the Muffin Man.

It is worth pausing to clarify: this is not a reference simply to small breasts; these are awesome. It is instead a specific niche who’ve chosen to let themselves grow wild. Still confused? Follow this simple “Rule of Plumb”: If the gut protrudes farther out than the breasts, then those ain’t breasts. That’s Flatso territory. And a man could accomplish the same feat (and many, many men have).

In turn, this lack of boobage forces the Flatso to evolve a very sour, unfriendly attitude towards everyone. How bad an attitude you ask? Ironically, their attitude is equivalent to that of the snobby modeling hoes that most men admire and get chubbies for. Nature is one ironically cruel motherfucker, ain’t it?

Pregnant Man or Flatso? The world may never know.

Their most visible characteristics would be their infamous belly and A-cups, with the former sticking out much farther than the latter. Typically, an underlining quality of alcoholism may also be present. Her constant consumption of beer coincides with her Yodels appetite, but more importantly, serves as a primitive tool — a modern-day arrowhead — used to spear down potential male mates. If there’s alcohol present, odds are an inebriated soul might get stuck in her gravitational pull, and indulge. The booze also serves as an invisible lube, making it easier for her to straddle herself on top of victim # 5’s penis.

Flatsos are located all over the USA, with a heavy populace (pun intended) in the Midwest, especially Wal-Mart parking lots and Ponderosa buffet lines. If one is to meet a Flatso, try to remain sober throughout your experience with them. If one chooses to drink, it’s recommended that you aim for heenan. You wouldn’t want to leave a night with a Flatso empty handed. Well, on second thought, that’s probably impossible.

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: Lady Lumps, Flattop, The Grand Manyon, DJ Belly Bell, The Gutman, Hefty Flat Bag, Flatbed Dump Truck, Jezabelly, Dick Van Flatton, Flat-Broke-n-Busted, The Drew Carey Chestbump

I'm gonna rock your flapper dress off!

Key traits of AMH include a receded hairline with the remaining hair shoulder-length, a love for denim vests and black denim jeans, and black wristbands (ironic considering his inactive lifestyle requires absolutely no athletic garb whatsoever). Unfortunately, for all the enthusiasm and innovation behind this get-up, his Sam Ashe sales position doesn’t allow such wardrobe freedom in the workplace.

Aged Metal Heads are generally white men with ratty upper lips and form-fitting clothing. Fading tattoos of dragons and the usage of ladies spandex are also key. Nonetheless, AMHs see nothing wrong in their out-of-date appearance. Whereas metal gods like Dave Mustaine and James Hetfield have adapted to life with children, wives, and a career, the Aged Metal Head has not (in his defense: he has neither children, a wife, or a career).

The AMH would be someone you’d like to high-five, maybe even jam with, if he wasn’t such a pretentious smarmy employee. They hate this “new” rock ‘n roll, where people don’t have frizzy hair, and are incredibly disheartened by the rising sales of certain consumer purchases, namely Rock Band, Guitar Hero, and turntables. But what they hate even more: when customers practice blues riffs on one of the several Fender Stratocasters they’re trying to pitch on the selling floor. All this adds up into a boiling rage that’s only released during basement guitar sessions when his parents leave the house, or during his drive back to the house, where he has all the time in the world to air drum to Metallica’s “One.”

The Aged Metal Head can be found working at any Sam Ashe or Guitar Center across the nation or in any city that has a steady denim provider. If bored and looking for a fun activity, look for Aged Metal Head and ask him about his “old girlfriend” and why they aren’t together anymore. Unlike the AMH, that story never gets old.

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: Lars Ulshit, Heavy Mothball, “To Those About to Age, We Salute You”, Satan’s Class of ’86, Death Gip, Am I Cool Yet?, Queens of the Stone Age, Jon Bon Blow-Me

Hey Becky, before we hit the club, I just need to stop at Michaels real quick

Most Sparkle Tit Debutantes are attention-seekers and HAMS. They thrive in bars, clubs, and places where disco balls spin and cocaine is blown. In these locales, STDs will commonly employ “the booby trap” — a deadly trick used to ensnare potential mates on par with that of the Praying Mantis. The trap is initiated by said STD speaking in low volumes, so that when you lean in for a closer listen, her boob-sparkle gets all on your shirt. If this happens, you’ve been “marked”. At this point, you’re best bet is to just give in and start motorboating.

While some Sparkle Tits may be using the glitter to compensate for their ugly face or larger midsection, it’s important to note that this is only a small percentage of the STD market. Most STDs apply a heavy layers of glitter simply because they crave the attention — many are quite attractive, with supple breasts. But normal attention won’t cut it — for these women are the “Anti-Femme“. They toss aside the normal notion of “eyes up here, Mister”, and replace it with an open invite. Whether your a latino gangbanger with a fresh Chico Stash or just an Average Joe guzzling down a Bud Diesel — feel free to feast your eyes on those shimmering milk balloons. No boob-attention is too much for the STD, and any attention going to other girls in the room brings out what Doctors call “the crazy eyes”.

These traits are obvious warning signs for “nuts” and sluttiness, of course. Actresses, bartenders, and strippers are the most obvious carriers of the STD gene (and also of STDs in general), so know what you are getting yourself into. Sparkle Tit Debutantes can be found in large concentrations in the Los Angeles, Miami, and New York bar scenes, especially during the summer months as this is when they truely shine. Also, an abnormal amount of STDs may be found in Las Vegas, and it’s underachieving counterpart Reno.

It’s also important to note that this Sparkle Tit trait does not exclusively belong to the female gender — males may also possess this STD gene, but in place of Sparkles, use large SUVs and expensive materialist goods. ie – You may see a small bald man driving a huge, shiny Hummer — this is his “sparkle tits”, and it’s most likely compensating for his small genitals.
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Also Known As: Glitter Goblins, The Titty Show, Circus Peanuts, “New York” from Flava of Love, Shinatown, The Booby Trap, Glitter Tats, Community Chest
Related: The Fake Boob, The Drunk Girl Horror Show

The Laptop Pooper: Taking Multitasking Too Far

A more modern, recent addition to the Idiot Pants Party, the Laptop Pooper has streaked their way onto the scene within the last four years, breaking new ground with the invention of WiFi. These wireless technologies have given the LP virtual free reign, and upon their porcelain throne, they intend to be entertained.

For the Laptop Pooper, there is no line to cross — no line between what’s acceptable computer behavior and what’s just weird. Taking a shit with their computer propped precariously on top of their thighs — mere inches away from defecation — does not raise any red flags. They like that heat on their thighs, they need it.

Laptop Poopers tend to be younger males with excessive free time at work — worker bees who thusly experience a numbing exposure to the internet and various FAIL blogs. They tend to rely on these virtual sources to pass all waking moments of free time. And that 10-15 minutes in the Power Dome is no different.

Don’t even try to give them something “printed” to read, that shit is for old people. The laptop is king. “The Laptop Pooper Creed”, translated from Latin, states it quite plainly: It’s thine laptop, and they shalt poop if they want to. Sure, their motto is a rip off of Lesley Gore’s iconic song, but who the fuck is that?

Yet, perhaps the most disturbing aspect of LP’s habits is what’s know by scientists as “Fecal Fallout”, or unseen residue from said bathroom experiences that are unbeknownst to fellow computer users. This is quite similar to a nuclear reaction. That laptop you borrow to look up Google Maps may have been in the shitter only moments ago, and now your fingers will smell like chocolate.

If you’re confused, that’s a good thing. I personally follow the philosophy that if you’re not bringing it in there to whack off, then give it a rest. But be warned, it’s difficult to spot a Laptop Pooper unless you are close friends and/or roommates with them, as this tends to be a very personal pasttime.
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Also Known As: Partners in Porcelain, Poo Crew, The Computer Crapper, Dr. Doody, Crapping With My CPU, The Laptop Logger

Facebook!

“Yo, Joey! Fuck you, Joey!”

You might at first feel inclined to give Middle Finger Guy the benefit of the doubt. Hey, maybe he’s having a bad day or something, right? Sure, maybe. But know this: you give them a finger, and they’ll take 10. And all your hair gel.

MFPFs come in all ages, races, genders, and religions, but nonetheless they should be treated like second-class citizens. They are always behind in the times, hence why they emulate the actions of a white rapper with bleached blonde hair from 6 years ago. Despite their tardiness with trends, middle-finger folk are found in both ass-backwards states and pretentious, smarmy states, not because they live there but because their profiles float all over cyberspace.

MFPFs love to display their gruff attitude to all those living in virtual reality. This way, they get to tell everyone, from your nosey next-door neighbor to the clueless Indonesian field peasant with 25 minutes of community internet time, “Hey, you can’t fuck with me. I don’t even know you, but now you know ME, motherf***er.”

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: Slim Shitty, The Middle Finger Child Syndrome, Fuck You Jobu, Handyman, Tough and Gruff at 15, Bird Flipper Whipper Snapper, Study Hall Brawler

Keta from the Anlo-Ewe Tribe, meet Mike From Milwaukee

But thanks to the popularity of anti-depressants, skateboarding culture, and Chris Angel, we now have the pleasure of seeing these Non-Tribal Tribesman right on our city block. That dude with an ear gauge the size of a fist in both of his ear lobes sure is cool! And check out the chick with metal staples in her cheeks!! Bring that sexy back, sista!

Extra napkin ring

And I’m all for it. Many people have made jokes about having sex with a person’s ear. To the Tribesman, this is a plausible reality. That gauging hole in their ear is yet another orifice to call your own. Make it yours. Need an extra napkin ring? Done. Just borrow their ear-ring, and return it after your done.

It is important to point out that despite their name, the Tribesmen can be both male and female. And also even those hermy-looking peeps that fit somewhere between. Regardless of gender, many of them have noted that the children’s song “Do Your Ears Hang Low” was a super-cool song when they were kids.

The Non-Tribal Tribesman can be found in anywhere, although large populations have sprung up in the Los Angeles, San Diego, and New York City areas. Contrary to their African precursors, the Tribesman is more likely to be found in a densely populated area. As this allows them to find more Tribesman, with whom they play “Who can make their hole the biggest?” The person that looses has to eat the ookie cookie.
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Also Known As: Poppa Piercing, Ear Vagina, Dumbo, The Ear Plug Fug, Earrings 2.0, The Foot Fist Way, Windsock Willy

She just needs someone to talk to.

And thats when you realize that you’ve unwittingly just been invited to the Drunk Girl Horror Show. Cancel any plans you had, and tuck those horny dreams away for the night, because all you’re getting is an earful of shitty stories, and a face-full of tears.

Have a few drinks with her, and you’ll soon find out everything. Everything. Stuff you didn’t want to know, and stuff you shouldn’t know. Keep an ear out for her endless stories about her ex-boyfriend, her terrible fight with anorexia, and if you’re lucky, you might even get the “I was raped” roller-coaster ride. Oh, you just wanted to have a chill night? Well, fuck that — you’re getting a rape story, and you better fucking be there to support her.

Forget the fact that you don’t even know her. She’s all yours tonight. In fact, be ready to be her shoulder to cry on, as well as the shoulder to put her miserable weight on all night. Be warned, after midnight, she surrenders the use of her legs, and will need to be carried around. And if you’re lucky, she’ll cap the night off with a fresh vomit on your couch. It’s a lot of fun, especially since you just met her four hours ago.

You can find the Drunk Girl Horror Show at any bar, club, or place where alcohol is served without a psychiatric test. However, you should be particularly wary of the “friend of a friend”. If you’ve never met her before, there’s probably a good reason why. Other girls can’t stand DGHS either, and will typically only hang out with them when the Horror Show is particularly needy and “just wants a girls night”. This is a horrible situation to be involved in.

But there are warning signs. Typically, the DGHS will begins with stories of her Ex-Boyfriend or will chug massive quantities of alcohol in disproportionate time. If you say, “Wow, how did she drink all that??”, get out as quickly as you can. The show has already begun…
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Also Known As: Beer Tears, The Drunk Succubus, I Thought You Said “Ape”, Close Talker, Buzz Killington, I’ll Never Drink Again

Who knew sea shells could be so darn cool!!!

First originating in Polynesian islands as a traditional cultural garb, the shell necklace has since been adopted by yuppie white males as a tight-fitting fashion accessory. Said Polynesian tribesman are currently rolling over in their graves.

The Shell Necklace Sally is a douchebag in the most literal sense. They embody all typical douchebag traits, but then magnify this by, as Emril says, “kicking it up a notch“. Frosted tips, tight-fitting t-shirts flared with writing and graphics, thumb rings, ankle braclets, a fake surfer intonation — you name it. If it’s douchey and faggy, the Shell Necklace Sally will soak it up like a coral sponge.

The next obvious question is “why?“. To answer this fully takes research and lab tests well beyond the reach of Idiot Pants Party. But I will offer this simple answer: the soft white tones of the shell and the firm fit around his slender neck reminds the Shell Necklace Sally of his very own deep, rich, whiteness. It is a metaphor for being a Caucasian — of taking someone’s heritage and making it worse, making it crackified.

You can find the Shell Necklace Sally at any and every tourist gift shop near major beach areas, as well as at yuppie megastores like Abercrombie and Fitch or American Eagle. Teens and youths are more susceptible to shell necklaces, as their life experiences have not yet told them how fucking lame these necklaces are.

There may be a disproportionate ratio of Shell Necklace Sallys (and/or Puka Shell Nancys) near Spring Break destinations, as this tight white choker is a clear message that there are some fratty d-bags ready to do a case race. They will be shirtless, rowdy, and most likely in packs of 5 (as this is the maximum capacity you can jam into a Jeep Wrangler). If you see a SNS drinking on the beach, you should enhance their Spring Break experience by reporting them to your nearest Police authority. They will be undoubtably underage and will enjoy the fresh pearl necklace that Prisoner Pedro gives them in their holding cell.
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Also Known As: Puka Paul, The Luau Loser, The Shell Necklace Nancy, Gay For Pay, I Like White, The Caucasian Choker

Michael Jackson & Akon: The Ghost of Robot Singers Past & Present

Nonetheless Robot-Voice Guy has become quite the popular singer despite his douchebag-by-association moniker. His secret: disguising horrid R&B vocals through robotic enhancements made in the studio. Just think of him as HAL from “2001″ if HAL were programmed by Uncle Luke of 2 Live Crew.

Robot-Voice Guy’s popularity has come with several hit singles in recent years, most of which are thoughtless masculine mantras. Such notable lines include, “Work it, make it, do it, makes us harder better faster stronger,” as well as “Shorty got hips and shorty got ass,” and of course, “I want to fuck you—fuck you.” I know, it’s poetic.

Yet, despite the success of Robot-Voice Guy, he remains largely a mystery. This is moslty due to the fact that the Robot-Voice Guy is not a known person. Because of this lack of physical appearance, Robot-Voice Guy has caused many music traditionalists to speak out, believing the absence of human life makes Robot-Voice Guy a complete bullshit artist rather than a musical artist.

The only known photo of Robot-Voice Guy

While listening to Hot 97 or an equivelent shitty rap station, you may find it difficult to discern one Robot-Voice Guy’s song from another. This is normal, as they all use the same Pro Tools effect called “Taint”, which turns their R&B mumblings into a Wall-E-esque garbage heap.

Robot-Voice Guy can be found in all places where velvet ropes, $9 Bud Lights, and attention seekers all conjure together, AKA anywhere in Los Angeles or Manhattan. These places follow a strict rule in that their name can only be one syllable, not unlike the Britpop bands of the mid-90s. Robot-Voice Guy can be found ruining hip-hop music at Club Tryst, Krills, or Crème, or as I’ve recently found out, the Goldfried bar mitzvah.

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: Kanye’s chorus, Akon’s album, T-Pain’s career, Britney Spears’ Comeback, Stephen Hawking