Monthly Archives: May 2008

#8 The Unibrow

Unibrows in Space - The Last Frontier
The Unibrow is a person so bold, so naturally hairy, that their forehead functions as a modern-day Land Bridge. Using only a ratty string of facial hair, two seemingly separate halves of the head are united. I would say peacefully, but usually theirs a brown-and-curly battle over the upper-nose territory.

You may find it hard to believe that someone can look in the mirror every day and not notice the “Flying V” on their forehead. But what you don’t understand is that The Unibrow does notice. They love it. How do you think it got so thick?

Now thats a Unibrow!For many, The Unibrow is a choice. A life style. Sure, it would take only a second get razor or some tweezers and pluck that forest from in between their eyes. But that’s the easy way out. For The Unibrow, that hairy anomaly is it’s a symbol of strength and prowess. Of natural beauty.

The Unibrow shows no weakness, no emotion. While the left and the right eyebrow go with the flow — raising with a good laugh of scrunching in anger — the Unibrow stands firm. It doesn’t care about how big your fish is, or if you fart. It moves for no one.

You can find The Unibrow in Russia, on Hippies, and apparently on Astronauts (see above). In the United States, is prominent in the Midwest and South, especially in the “Bread Basket”. If your not careful, you may even find it on your own forehead.
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Also Known As: Davey Crocket’s Raccoon Tail, The Andy Rooney, The Flying V, The Hair Up There, Two Face, Pubic Hair: Part Deux

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Filed under haircuts, unibrow

#7 The Pencil Chinstrap

the thin line between facial hair and gaycial hair.

The Pencil Chinstrap is the thin line between facial hair and gaycial hair. It’s beard meets Etch-A-Sketch. A matte frame around a meaty face.

You see, the regular chinstrap is not enough. It’s way too thick and not nearly as abrasive. For people like Pencil Chinstraps, that facial hair needs to be chiseled down. Into a barely visible, dainty line.

After all, this is not facial hair we’re talking about. This is art. Linear, mathematical douchebag art. While other men are out drinking beer, the Chinstrapper will spend hours measuring, and remeasuring. Use of a protractor is essential.

more chinsIt must be right angles at the jaw line. The sideburn area must be polished clean. The line must be as thin as possible. If they could get it down to one hair follicle in diameter, they would. In fact, they have a bunch of Guidos in a lab working on that science as we speak.

The Pencil Chinstrap will often be combined with The Blowout, The Fake Tan, and steroid use. Headbands and straight-brimmed hats are optional. Depending on how close you get to New Jersey or Long Island, combinations may become more and more extreme.

In rare instances, you may see a makeshift Pencil Chinstrap drawn on with an Eyeliner Pencil. This may occur when a Pencil Chinstrapper commits “the cardinal sin” — or for the layman, when they screw up in the shaving process, and break the line. In such situations, the burning desire for a thin line of facial hair may cause a man to act irrationally, and use makeup.

The Pencil Chinstrap is the final frontier for the meathead. They’ve conquered muscles, skanks, tight shirts…and now beards.
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Also Known As: The Man’s Eyeliner, The Thin Chin Wrap, Guido Gold, The Mason/Douchebag Line, Thin Tin Tin, The Redneck U
Related: The Blowout, The Fake Tan, The Double-Popped D-Bag

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Filed under friends, guidos, haircuts, new jersey

#6 The Carlos Mencia

Mind of Doody
The Carlos Mencia is the Grim Reaper of joketelling. He is to comedy what WalMart is to quality merhcandise. Always shitty. Like a Ghost of Comedians Past, The Carlos Mencia will steal jokes you once loved and rehash them into some generic “Beaner” garbage.

The Carlos Mencia does not need to be a stand-up comedian. You’ll know him as the Guy that shows up at parties, uninvited, with an sack full of dogshit jokes. The same ones you heard last week and the week before that. Sterotypical knee-slappers such as:

“Oohh, look at that truck. I bet you could fit 12 Beaners in there!” and “If a Mexican was President, we’d all have seistas!!”

The jokes are always the same, often peppered with menial catch-phrases and yelling. It’s “comedy” that’ll make you gauge your eyes out. Yet, the Carlos Mencia lacks all self-awarness. Despite the obvious displeasure of those around, his loud mouth will continue to run.

And though you may try to ignore him – to make it blatantly clear that his comedic shtick is unpleasant — he will not stop. As long as there is air in the room to breath and energy to siphon out, he won’t go away.

Based off of the intolerable Carlos Mencia of Comedy Central “fame”, this buzzkill will continue to haunt your life long after you’ve forgotten about him. You may go months without seeing him, but as soon as you let your guard down, The Carlos Mencia will reappear. With a fresh set of material from 1988.

Overexposure to the Carlos Mencia often causes a momentary loss of faith in god, as the recipient wonders, “Why me?”. The constant retelling of old jokes may cause feelings of amnesia and dizziness, and too much Mencia can trigger the sensation of “being in hell”.

Although it is particularly effective, the Carlos Mencia doesn’t have to be of the Mexican decent. In fact, they most likely will be of a heritage entirely different from the one they tell racial jokes about. Just like the real Carlos Mencia. All they really need is an unjustified sense of comedic confidence and a knack for being annoying. Really, really annoying.
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Also Known As: Stale Tortillas, That Bad Joke Guy, The Broken Record, Refried Beans, Buzz Killington, The Ghost of Good Jokes Past

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Filed under awful, comedian, douche, entertainment

#5 The Emo Kid

So Emosh
The Emo Kid is perhaps the most obvious, most teased, and most vulnerable member of the Idiot Pants Party. It doesn’t matter if you’re obese, fugly, or suffer from a chronic Fake Tanning, you can always turn a pointed-finger at the Emo.

They are the shunned step-brothers of Goth Kids and the “two-drink minimum” of douchebaggery. They are a specific genre — almost exclusively teenagers in that awkward non-conformist, rebellion stage. And they will definitely be Caucasian or Oriental, as every other race knows better.

The Emo Kid’s comfort zone lies exclusively with the color black. This is important. Every aspect of their lives must be covered in black, or at least darkness. Black mascara, black clothing, black lopsided hair covering one eye. At any time, 1 to all 10 of their fingernails will be painted black.

A nose and/or lip ring is a rite of passage into the “emosh” world. Much like a General in the Army, the more metals you show, the higher you rank in Emo culture. The Emo Kid will almost always love vampires, and will be furious at their parents for not birthing them as one.

Emo kidTheir main characteristic is that of overt sensitivity and emotionality. This is truly their downfall. If they get angry or teased, they don’t fight, they write poems (ABAB). They strictly follow the Emo Creed: “No one understands me” — not fully realizing that the general populace does indeed understand. They just don’t care.

The Emo Kid came into prominence around the turn of the 21st century, growing in numbers with the success of such bands as Dashboard Confessional and My Chemical Romance. You can find the Emo Kid hanging out at the Tattoo Club, shopping for a new Anarchy shirt at Hot Topics, or if they don’t have milk money, on the receiving end of a punch.

If you can’t find one, that’s perfectly normal. Just get a flashlight and go into the darkest corner of the basement. They’ll be down there, listening to The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most. With a moist towelette.
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Also Known As: The Goth Kid, Black Is The New Black, Monochrome, The Awkward Phase, Alternative School, [Hot] Topic Thunder

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Filed under douche, emo, freak, goth, haircuts

#4 The Tattoo Freak

Smile
Nothing’s as permanent as a tattoo. And the Tattoo Freak aims to make you uncomfortably aware of that fact. From eyelid to asshole, they aim to turn their body into a nauseating canvas. Don’t like it? Good. Because they would be sick to their stomach if you did. You disgust them.

Every square inch of the Tattoo Freak’s body is valuable real estate, and like all morons, they will squander it — with butterflies, cartoon characters, and stupid sayings. Instead of treating their skin with care and nurture (like the Fake Tan), they treat it like a commercial billboard, squeezing in as much content and gimmicks as is humanly possible. Frequently, the Tattoo Freak will even re-tattoo over old, fading ones to make room for a new, stupider ones.

Cat ButtMuch like “hipsters” and “emo kids”, the Tattoo Freak fancies themselves part of the anti-culture. They are so uniquely individual — so against-the-grain — that no one could possibly “get” them. Well, except for the millions of other Tattoo Freaks, metalheads, and goth kids. Oh, and Dr. Phil. Sometimes he just makes sense.

In the rare instance that you encounter a Tattoo Freak with a tattoo you like, do not tell them. If you initiate, you will be opening a black hole of neverending “life stories”. Every single tattoo on the Tattoo Freak has a “connection” with every other tattoo — so asking about one means you’re asking about all of them:

“Oh that hamburger tattoo? That’s a funny story…I got really drunk with my friend Boner, and we starting eatin’ hamburgers. Then we decided, ‘Hell, lets get a tattoo of it’. Which reminds me of this tattoo over here of Chewbacca. Remember him?! Yeah, well, me an’ Boner were out drinkin’ again…” Pretty soon you’ll be fumbling at your shirt to find a loose thread so you can hang yourself.

You will rarely see Tattoo Freaks out during the day, as they thrive on darkness. You can also expect to see them at heavy metal concerts, at Dr. Phil tapings, and in your local grocery store, buying tater tots.
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Also Known As: Inked Up, The Tat Rascal, The Tribal Tattoo Guy, Regular Skin’s For Chumps, Tatatouille

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Filed under advertising, body, douche, freak, idiot accessories, tattoo

#3 The Fake Tan

Fake Tan
There is something to be said for that bright thing in the sky that we call the Sun. It gives us life, food, and more importantly, tans. But there is a particular brand of idiot that chooses to ignore that glowing ball of energy, and in it’s place, put a florescent bulb and some spray-on bronzer.

These people are the Fake Tanners. They feel the obsessive need to pay to recreate the effects of the sun in a small, dark room. Their orangish body desperately craves the frequent, multi-weekly appointments at the local “salon”. Only through this constant, oily attention is the Fake Tan able to darken and mature into full-on douchebaggery.

Although they are not entirely nocturnal, you’ll notice the Fake Tan predominantly at Parties and night clubs, as this is their specialty. They have been tanning all day so that they can glow at night, and that’s exactly what they intend to do. Shine. And quite literally too, as their skin will sparkle with the residue of a fresh application of aloe and Neutrogena.

At the heart of the Fake Tan is a burning competitive flame — a toasty driving force that fuels their frequent lotioning and laying. They need to be the tannest person in the room, no matter what the cost. If that means taking a pillow and some s’mores into their tanning bed, they will do it. They’ll camp there. And they won’t come out until their caucasian skin is charred to the core.

Fake TannerOften, the Fake Tan can lead to obsessive over-tanning, or a term that doctors refer to as “Carrotface“. This overdose of tan can lead to mocking and descrimintation from the Fake Tan community. And if coupled with The Blowout, can be deadly. (see picture to the right)

Thus, lies the crux of the Fake Tan — the dangerous balance between “tannest” and “over-tan“. Who can make it seem like they’ve been in the sun the longest without looking like a malnourished rabbit turd? Who can tight rope the line between golden god and orange asshole?

It’s an unfortunate battle, as with the Fake Tan, there is never any winners. They are all losers.
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Also Known As: That Orangish Guy, Danny Tanner, UV4Me, The Human Glowstick, The Fake Black, Spray-On Douche
Related: The Blowout, The Fake Boob, The Fake Friend, The Double-Popped D-Bag

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Filed under douche, freak, guidos, haircuts, new jersey, rich people, tans

#2 The Over-Encouraging Parent

It\'s so good when it hits your lips
If you’ve ever smoked weed with your friend’s parents, than you know the Over Encouraging Parent.

They are eager to push their child to experience it all, no matter what the age or maturity level. They want their kids to be the first and the best — the trailblazer among their peers. The Prom Queen and Party King.

This type of Parent is ready, at any moment, to scream “Don’t tell my child what they can’t do!”. And don’t you dare. Because they will throw up fisticuffs and fight you on the spot. In front of their kids. They’ll break your nose and chalk it up as “positive reinforcement”.

Smoking BabyAt the core of every Over-Encouraging Parent is the internal struggle with their own deteriorating age, and the burning desire to “stay cool”. You will find them buying beer for their teenage kids and their friends, often allowing them unrestricted use of the house to throw parties and “score chicks”. The only catch: Dad might come downstairs and have a few beers. Well, he actually might get drunk. But again, positive reinforcement.

Unfortunately, said Parents tend to be generally laughed at by their Child’s peers, and are used solely to procure alcohol and for an extra hand during kegstands. They are similarly scoffed at by fellow Parents — regarded as “those folks” or “shitheads“.

And often, the Child that has been so dearly encouraged — so fervently pushed towards maturity — turns out to be an drunk, age-fearing moron. Just like their Parents.
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Also Known As: The “I’m Still Hip” Parent, The Drinking Dad, Bad Parents, The Old Age Sage, The Buy Me Beer Parenteer

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Filed under booze, drugs, kids, parents