There is something to be said for that bright thing in the sky that we call the Sun. It gives us life, food, and more importantly, tans. But there is a particular brand of idiot that chooses to ignore that glowing ball of energy, and in it’s place, put a florescent bulb and some spray-on bronzer.
These people are the Fake Tanners. They feel the obsessive need to pay to recreate the effects of the sun in a small, dark room. Their orangish body desperately craves the frequent, multi-weekly appointments at the local “salon”. Only through this constant, oily attention is the Fake Tan able to darken and mature into full-on douchebaggery.
Although they are not entirely nocturnal, you’ll notice the Fake Tan predominantly at Parties and night clubs, as this is their specialty. They have been tanning all day so that they can glow at night, and that’s exactly what they intend to do. Shine. And quite literally too, as their skin will sparkle with the residue of a fresh application of aloe and Neutrogena.
At the heart of the Fake Tan is a burning competitive flame — a toasty driving force that fuels their frequent lotioning and laying. They need to be the tannest person in the room, no matter what the cost. If that means taking a pillow and some s’mores into their tanning bed, they will do it. They’ll camp there. And they won’t come out until their caucasian skin is charred to the core.
Often, the Fake Tan can lead to obsessive over-tanning, or a term that doctors refer to as “Carrotface“. This overdose of tan can lead to mocking and descrimintation from the Fake Tan community. And if coupled with The Blowout, can be deadly. (see picture to the right)
Thus, lies the crux of the Fake Tan — the dangerous balance between “tannest” and “over-tan“. Who can make it seem like they’ve been in the sun the longest without looking like a malnourished rabbit turd? Who can tight rope the line between golden god and orange asshole?
It’s an unfortunate battle, as with the Fake Tan, there is never any winners. They are all losers.
Also Known As: That Orangish Guy, Danny Tanner, UV4Me, The Human Glowstick, The Fake Black, Spray-On Douche
Related: The Blowout, The Fake Boob, The Fake Friend, The Double-Popped D-Bag