#5 The Emo Kid

So Emosh
The Emo Kid is perhaps the most obvious, most teased, and most vulnerable member of the Idiot Pants Party. It doesn’t matter if you’re obese, fugly, or suffer from a chronic Fake Tanning, you can always turn a pointed-finger at the Emo.

They are the shunned step-brothers of Goth Kids and the “two-drink minimum” of douchebaggery. They are a specific genre — almost exclusively teenagers in that awkward non-conformist, rebellion stage. And they will definitely be Caucasian or Oriental, as every other race knows better.

The Emo Kid’s comfort zone lies exclusively with the color black. This is important. Every aspect of their lives must be covered in black, or at least darkness. Black mascara, black clothing, black lopsided hair covering one eye. At any time, 1 to all 10 of their fingernails will be painted black.

A nose and/or lip ring is a rite of passage into the “emosh” world. Much like a General in the Army, the more metals you show, the higher you rank in Emo culture. The Emo Kid will almost always love vampires, and will be furious at their parents for not birthing them as one.

Emo kidTheir main characteristic is that of overt sensitivity and emotionality. This is truly their downfall. If they get angry or teased, they don’t fight, they write poems (ABAB). They strictly follow the Emo Creed: “No one understands me” — not fully realizing that the general populace does indeed understand. They just don’t care.

The Emo Kid came into prominence around the turn of the 21st century, growing in numbers with the success of such bands as Dashboard Confessional and My Chemical Romance. You can find the Emo Kid hanging out at the Tattoo Club, shopping for a new Anarchy shirt at Hot Topics, or if they don’t have milk money, on the receiving end of a punch.

If you can’t find one, that’s perfectly normal. Just get a flashlight and go into the darkest corner of the basement. They’ll be down there, listening to The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most. With a moist towelette.
Also Known As: The Goth Kid, Black Is The New Black, Monochrome, The Awkward Phase, Alternative School, [Hot] Topic Thunder



Filed under douche, emo, freak, goth, haircuts

10 responses to “#5 The Emo Kid

  1. steve0

    I like the part where you say people do understand emo kids they just don’t care. nobody cares until a school near them gets shot up, jackass. by the way i’m not “emo” and never was. The only reason I came to this stupid site is to find the pencil chinstrap grooming tips but now i think i’ll have some fun. I should create a website about stupid shit that you “normal” people do, since I am no longer normal because I have the pencil chinstrap and you have the pencil jockstrap.



    btw EMO kids are the most stupid shit on the whole world and should be called directly morons. If they want to suicide why don’t they just do it!

    “They know shit about life and when they realize something important about life they just quit being EMO.”

  3. Don’t take it out on me because you are mad at your parents Steve-o. You should be mad at me however for fucking your mom and sister…at the same time.

    Bitch. Go be sad in the corner and fist yourself you black nail polish wearing assclown.

    -No Face

  4. 41DR

    I wish my grass were EMO so it would cut itself.

  5. Kat

    It’s people like you closed minded idiots who are setting alternative people back in the world.

    Everyone I know who could be described as “emo” is a lot more secure, and certainly happier, than all of the “mainstream” people I know.

    You have bugger all statistics to prove anything you’ve written.

    Maybe I’ll post an article about the douchbags who write these things? (Then I’d be a hypocrite, but it’d be worth it.)

    When are you all idiots going to grow up and talk to the people you rip the shit out of?
    You’ll see they are a hell of a lot better than you… which is probably why you dislike them. A girl you like probably turned you down for a much hotter “emo” boy.

    I’m classed as “emo” by most people and you know what? Great friends, great and LOVING family, never self harmed, not attempted suicide, very happy in myself, got guys (and girls) flinging themselves at me left, right and center, doing a degree and moved out of my parents house at the age of 18. I get the best grades. I have the best friends. I certainly have the best family going. I have amazing relationships. I get brilliant job offers. I got accepted into university.

    Now tell me exactly how the hell YOU are better than ME.

    Take a look at your own sad little lives and evaluate them.
    Why do you feel the need to leave comments like those? You must be pretty damned unhappy deep down to say such hateful things about a group of people you have obviously had nothing to do with.

    It’s called displacement, look the word up.

  6. emo’s are the most stupid person in the world!!

  7. Kat's a bitch

    Hey Kat,
    Its a joke, its a funny webpage, and you’re being cunt. That’s all.

  8. Juliette

    Emo’s are so cute. Without them, “normal” folks such as myself would look less adult and more “mainstream”. Honestly, I haven’t met one Emo guy that I would trust in a serious relationship. If you take more time to work on your appearance than I do, are more concerned with doing yourself harm than me caring about you so much that it hurts to see you hurt yourself or just don’t open up on anything but paper – it would be a waste of time. I would rather have a “normal” guy any day. Whether that guy be military, metalhead, geek, etc., he is probably more caring about a girl than any self-obsessed young man who wants attention (cutting, etc). Emo is pretty but we’ve come to realize you all need to grow the fuck up. Quit whining about your petty little insecurities that WE ALL HAVE and live with it. Either that or don’t get bothered enough to post. You’ve all become poster children for that which we don’t want to become: whiny, insecure, childish, risky and a liability to anyone who gets involved with you. If you are that secure with yourself then this really shouldn’t apply to you too much and you won’t reply. Don’t fight it. You know I’m right.

  9. Anonymous

    Since when is MCR emo? Try Mid Carson July, Texas Is The Reason, or Mineral. Nothing that is called emo today has anything to do with the true emo music of the 90s.

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