#15 The Smeller

Is that perfume?  Or dog shit?
Did someone just open a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos or — Oohh, man!  Who invited the Smeller?!

The Smeller is a notorious, shit-stinking beast.  Like a the body of a prostitute, they carry with them an assortment of smells unknown to the clean human palate.  Moth balls, woodchips, taco meat, grandma…you name it.  If it’s a foul stench, the Smeller will absorb it like a sponge and bring it to your nostrils.

A key trait of the Smeller is their ability to not smell themself.  They go about their daily lives in a blind stupor, oblivious — carrying around stink like a monkey.  

bitch, I live in a trash can!Yet, the Smeller is unique in their stankdom.  They won’t look dirty.  And they’re not homeless.  So is it that they just naturally smell like a jock strap?  Or do they simply not wash their clothes?  Did they just roll around in a pile of cow shit?  Or did they actually steal their wardrobe from their grandfather’s attic?

There are a million questions, and unfortunately, no answers. The only real question you can answer is “Who brought the Smeller?”

One things for sure, it wasn’t you. And such is the curse of the Smeller. They will show up unexpectedly, attacking your senses like a rapist. The Smeller is typically a co-worker or, more often, a peripheral acquaintance — a friend of a friend that somehow loves hanging out with you.

If you find yourself in close quarters with the Smeller, don’t panic. Simply look them in the eyes and say “You smell like taint.”   That should be sufficient to scare them away.  If it doesn’t, just start smelling your fingers and pray for the apocalypse.
__________________
Also Known As: Grandma’s Closet, The Living Trashcan, The Stank, Shit’s Creek, Pigpen, Who Invited Stinky?, Ethan’s Surprise, The Shit Whisperer

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under awful, freak, friends, stink

2 responses to “#15 The Smeller

  1. Golfur88

    lolz my nieghbor is a smeller

  2. BeNnY

    Omg, my housemate is a serial tainter. They fit the criteria to a t. Very much a clean appearance in a respectable job. I wonder if their colleaugues have identified the silent but violent odour and if they’ve made the association between him and the ever unpleasant smell that might linger for a period of time. I think another description may be a crop duster who is dropping poo particles everywhere. Lmao

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s