You wouldn’t shove two pounds of jello into a one pound mold, would you? Of course not. It wouldn’t fit and shit would spill everywhere. But to the Felly Shirt, this magical act of force-fitting is an everyday accomplishment.
Like a pastry chef stuffing cream into doughnut, they squeeze their guts into the smallest shirts possible. Sure, they could buy regular clothes that fit them. But then they wouldn’t have the ability to force unsuspecting passerbys to see their eggplant-shaped midsection. This is crucial to the Felly Shirt; they take pride in giving fat people a bad name.
But they don’t care. The Felly Shirt relishes in societies discomfort. They love it. They feed off it. It’s one of the many things they feed off of. In fact, they buy extra tight pants just to make that belly pop out of the bottom of the shirt.
And the Felly Shirt could not be complete without it’s white-trash accessory, The Felly Button Ring. Like a shiny diamond lost in a sea of cellulite, the Felly Button Ring is a bright beacon calling attention to the stomach. This piercing is a dinosauric remnant of a time when their stomach wasn’t so big, jammed in like a piece of shrapnel from an old war. And there it will stay, right next to a some Goobers and a half-eaten Baby Ruth bar.
You can find the Felly Shirt anywhere in the world, although it’s presence is highly concentrated in the USA. Most common sightings have been reported at McDonalds, waiting in line for thirds at the Chinese Buffet, and at Baby Gap. If you have the unfortunate luck of being in their path, pick a stationary object and keep your eyes focused on it. Do not stare at them, as the glare from the sweat and Felly Button Ring may leave you blinded.
Also Known As: The Muffintop, Baby Got Front, Miss Midsection, The Spare Tire, The “What Goes Around, Goes Around” Girl, The Black Sheep Shirt, The Fat Frontiersman