#16 The Felly Shirt

Damnit, will you tuck that shit in
You wouldn’t shove two pounds of jello into a one pound mold, would you? Of course not. It wouldn’t fit and shit would spill everywhere. But to the Felly Shirt, this magical act of force-fitting is an everyday accomplishment.

Like a pastry chef stuffing cream into doughnut, they squeeze their guts into the smallest shirts possible.  Sure, they could buy regular clothes that fit them.  But then they wouldn’t have the ability to force unsuspecting passerbys to see their eggplant-shaped midsection. This is crucial to the Felly Shirt; they take pride in giving fat people a bad name. 

You want some fries with that felly?The Felly Shirt follows the “Got it, flaunt it” doctrine, which through a wrongful interpretation by the Felly Shirt Society in 1996, has lead many a man to go blind.

But they don’t care. The Felly Shirt relishes in societies discomfort. They love it. They feed off it. It’s one of the many things they feed off of. In fact, they buy extra tight pants just to make that belly pop out of the bottom of the shirt.

And the Felly Shirt could not be complete without it’s white-trash accessory, The Felly Button Ring. Like a shiny diamond lost in a sea of cellulite, the Felly Button Ring is a bright beacon calling attention to the stomach. This piercing is a dinosauric remnant of a time when their stomach wasn’t so big, jammed in like a piece of shrapnel from an old war.   And there it will stay, right next to a some Goobers and a half-eaten Baby Ruth bar. 

You can find the Felly Shirt anywhere in the world, although it’s presence is highly concentrated in the USA. Most common sightings have been reported at McDonalds, waiting in line for thirds at the Chinese Buffet, and at Baby Gap. If you have the unfortunate luck of being in their path, pick a stationary object and keep your eyes focused on it. Do not stare at them, as the glare from the sweat and Felly Button Ring may leave you blinded.
__________
Also Known As: The Muffintop, Baby Got Front, Miss Midsection, The Spare Tire, The “What Goes Around, Goes Around” Girl, The Black Sheep Shirt, The Fat Frontiersman

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4 Comments

Filed under awful, body, clothes, friends

4 responses to “#16 The Felly Shirt

  1. Doc Gooden

    BABY GOT FRONT! HAHAHHAHA

  2. oh! the humanity!!!
    😀 ur tags rock! so eclectic!

  3. Anonymous

    i do it cuz i kno u guyz secrety love it

  4. shin

    Felly used to be the recognisable frontman (front-woman?) of the once-uber-popular group technotronic, but you have somehow managed to bastardize a beautiful, talented(regardless of lip-syncin) woman’s name into what I can only assume is a discombobulation of the words “fat” and “belly” into a fictionalized, pseudo-humorous, ridiculous excuse for a term; this without the mention of how it could never be taken as anything other than a serious insult against overweight people, regardless of unflatterin one’s clothes might be.

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