Everyone knows there’s three things you can do at a red light: change the radio, send a text, or curse that slow asshole in front of you for stopping at the yellow. But the Stoplight NoseMiner has a different agenda: find that precious ore of booger, and excavate that sucker out.
When their car comes to a stop, it’s go time. Like a dog in heat, their fingers will be pumping that nose cavity for all it’s worth. There’s a snot-child missing somewhere in there. And they won’t stop searching until the rescue mission is over.
Often, the Stoplight NoseMiner will be a male, although females quite frequently can be seen panning for gold. Almost always, they will be preoccupied, or “have something on their mind”. This is typically the thought of past mining glories, such as that quarterpound of snotgold they harvested last week at the corner of La Brea and Melrose.
Unlike many members of the Idiot Pants Party, the Stoplight NoseMiner is often an unconscious participant. Many men and women fall victim to their fingers’ curiousity, only realizing their mistake when they have a sticky blob glued to their pointer finger.
But despite it’s publicity, this is a secretive pasttime. NoseMiners are a shy, wary bunch. And any Stoplight NoseMiner will tell you, there’s only one thing worse than unconsciously mining, and that’s being caught. Especially by an attractive member of the opposite sex.
If you catch a NoseMiner at work, be fully prepared for them to pretend as if they were itching or blowing their nose. This is “Escape Plan I” and “Escape Plan II”, respectively, in the NoseMiner Handbook. Under rare circumstances, said Miner will be so overcome with shame that they will punch the gas and run the red light, aka “Escape Plan III”.
You can find the Stoplight NoseMiner in gridlocked traffic, waiting for a friend in their car, or at any intersection in the world. If you ever see a Stoplight NoseMiner with a nosebleed, it probably means they’ve just had a bad run of red lights. If you could be so kind, offer them a tissue.
Also Known As: The RedLight NoseJob, The Booger Baron, City Pickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold, The Intersection Inspection, The Snot Searcher