#20 The Starbucks Writer

Look at me!  I\'m Writing!!
“Look at me, I’m writing!”

With the exception of Reality Show Contestants, there is no dreamer as desperate for attention as the Starbucks Writer. They’ll weave a public web of notes, script pages, and laptop accessories in an attempt to catch any wandering eye, and in turn, become a Hollywood star.

The Starbucks Writer will almost always be a disheveled, struggling hipster. They’ve heard J.K. Rowling’s story of poverty and struggle, and this is their nonfat-soy-latte version of that. They take great pride in “working” publicly. Ironically, they lack just enough pride to get a real job and write at home.

I worked for three years on this scriptAlthough they are an aspiring writer, they’ve already succeeded in being a total donkeyboner. They’ve taken up the last available seat, bogarted the power outlet, and hoarded two tables for their script-page collage. Their loitering puts out a clear message to other Coffee Shop Patrons: “I’m here, so go f*** yourself”

If you ask a Starbucks Writer why they’re writing in a crowded coffee shop, they’ll tell you that “they love the environment”. Sure. Who doesn’t love hearing “Grande Pumpkin Spice Frappaccino for Steve!” every thirty seconds while they’re trying to concentrate. The truth is that the Starbucks Writer is waiting for that Golden Ticket moment — you know, when the Movie Exec. comes over and says, “Hey, you write? You’re perfect!!”

You can find the Starbucks Writer in any coffee shop in Los Angeles, and concentrated around Rockefeller Plaza in New York City. They will most likely be writing a poorly structured screenplay about a broke person that hits the big time (see above).

If you see a Starbucks Writer, your best best is to look away. Just like a homeless person, making eye contact with them is definite no-no. If you initiate contact, they will undoubtably tell you “you’re perfect” for the role they’re writing. You’re not, because they wrote the role for themselves. Just walk away.
Also Known As: The Coffee Shop SpaceWhore, The Ham Writer, Captain Dickshit, The Caffeine Diaries, Lowfat Soy Screenwriter, The Barista Novelist



Filed under douche, entertainment, los angeles, new york city, work

8 responses to “#20 The Starbucks Writer

  1. claire


  2. theleftovers

    I’m ashamed to say I might fall under this category. I’ve never actually written at a Starbucks (nor am I right now!), but the thought has crossed my mind in a sort of dreamy, I-wish-I-had-a-better-computer way. Good blog. I believe we both read Stuff White People Like? That or you’re much more original in your tone than I 🙂

  3. Jethro Beaudine

    This picture is a fake! Those retards always have Apple computers, where the laptop pictured here is clearly a Dell. Are you trying to Fox News us with Photoshop forgeries?

  4. haha true that. ill have to photoshop an apple in there. nice addition jethro

  5. Doc Gooden

    You know Tolstoy used to write in the village square. He said the faces inspired him. I think the same goes for the brilliant mind(s) behind Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans who penned those works of art over sugar-free vanilla lattes.

  6. vineetgupta

    Ha! Perfect! Love the script…

  7. Juliette

    I saw this the other day but I had to laugh when I saw World of Warcraft instead.

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