#22 The Sandal Sock Guy

Look at those tighty whiteys
In a world where socks are for shoes and sandals are for bare-feet, one socially inept man struggles to bridge the gap. This is the Sandal Sock Guy. And god damnit, he’s going to fit that flipflop over his knee-highs if it’s the last thing he does.

The Sandal Sock Guy is the “never nude” of footware. And in the realm of foot fashion, he is the retard king. He makes the conscious choice to take a comfortable sandal and turn it into a battle of cotton vs. leather. In fact, he’s more than willing to endure some hardcore toe-chaffing to maintain that style.

Sure, they look like idiots. But the Sandal Sock lacks total self-awareness. It’s not that they don’t care, they’re too old to care. And if you’ve learned anything from The Bucket List, there’s nothing worse than an old man set in his ways. That’s the way he put on that sandal, and that’s the way it’s going to stay.

Where am I?The Scale of Sandal Sock Superiority was created by the German’s in 1966, and it’s based on a weighted scale ranging from -73 to 0. A man’s rank depends solely on the footwear they sock-rock. The Teva velcro fashion will put you at the low end (-70), Birkenstock leather style will keep you in the midrange (-35), and the standard flip flop, or the “Plastic V”, will get you the highest rank (-1). A full vacation sock-rocking the V can get you some serious street cred, and in certain German villages, can make you royalty.

You can expect to see the Sandal Sock Guy near or at the beach. He will undeniably be an elderly man on vacation, or “on holiday” as he might call it. The older the man, the higher his tube socks will be jacked up. And he will more than likely have all of these: a map, a fanny pack, clip-on sunglasses, and a look of bewilderment.

If you see a Sandal Sock, and he stops to ask you directions, do one of two things: a) If he’s 40-63 years old, regardless of where he’s trying to go, give him directions to the nearest shoe store, or b) If he’s over 63, just point him towards the beach. He’s made it this far, and you might kill the old bastard if you confuse him any more.
Also Known As: The Old Man Camel Toe, The Sandal Battle, The Cotton Sleigh Ride, Teva Toes, That Idiot Wearing Socks and Sandals



Filed under clothes, idiot accessories, IdiotPantsParty, old people

6 responses to “#22 The Sandal Sock Guy

  1. A. Fulkerson

    This is exactly how we spot German tourists here in Orlando… seriously.

  2. Jethro Beaudine

    To be fair they might have nasty ugly feet that no one wants to see anyway…well, uh… like mine! All callouses and ingrown toenails, little toes that point in the wrong directions, and some weird purple spots on the insteps that have been there for years and the doctors don’t know what the hell they are. Of course I would never wear sandals, since A) no one wants to see my feet and b) I don’t want to look totally retarded, so for me Summer has long meant a pair of canvas Chucks with no socks.

  3. spiffyjumper

    Hmmm…this is clearly intended as humor, and probably passes for that often enough. That being said, the original poster is displaying some instances of cultural ignorance (from the word “ignore” –it doesn’t mean stupid, nor is it intended as an insult–merely an observation)…
    1) America’s current love affair with casual slovenliness is hardly a cosmopolitan fashion statement, and American Xenophobia (or perhaps it is only “Xenomockery”–yes, I made that word up) is hardly the anchor to which civilization ought tether itself. Sweatpants and Asscrack at WalMart are hardly a standard for the rest of the world.
    2) Many cultures combine sandals and socks–the Chinese and Koreans have done this for thousands of years, and the Samarai of Feudal Japan (ca 1600s) did so as well. The special socks worn with Sandals are called Tabi, and contribute to the longevity of the sandals by protecting their soles from the wear and tear of Human skin (with all of its oils, acids, and corrosive salts) abrading against the leather of the sandal’s insoles. The Tabi also protect the wearer’s feet from Blisters and Callouses.

    Just getting a little too serious for a minute–I am better, now.

  4. theoutsiders

    christ, someone stick a sock in Spiffyjumpers mouth. it’s a joke, dude…let it go

  5. mysweetmusings

    you guys crack me up.

  6. abdullah

    i’m neither old, nor german, nor oblivious of what people think of it, but i really enjoy wearnig sandal-socks in winter. fresh and cozy at the same time!

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