#23 The Fake Friend

Oh my god, you look soooo cute!
“Oh my God, Theenk you sooooooooo much!”

There is no one as transparent and flaky as the Fake Friend. Having a party? She’ll totally be there! But don’t hold your breath, because she won’t be.

The Fake Friend is the first to call you her BFF, and the last person to actually do anything BFF-related. It’s like a penis in a porn scene: all excited and spunky, but as soon as it’s business is done, it’s flaccid and out the door.

Because the Fake Friend serves only one purpose, to butter you up. They will tell you everything you want to hear, and then some. Much like their Hollywood idols, they function on a “what can you do for me” basis, whereas the point of their conversation is to either: (1) Get something out of you, or (2) If not #1, end the conversation as quickly as possible.

Like a chameleon of uselessness, the Fake Friend appears in two main forms: the “acquaintance“, and the “newly-met BFF“. You’ve known the acquaintance Fake Friend for years, and at this point, you’ve come to expect nothing but shit-eating smiles and sunshine out of her ass. But the Newly-met Fake Friend a sneaky pawn. It could be anyone. At a party, in the office, and more often, working the sales floor at your favorite shopping destination.

To catch a FF is not difficult. Here are a few key phrases:

OMG, look at all the money I spent!“Oh my God, I love you!”
“Oh my God, That handbag is soooo cute!”
“Oh my God, I can’t wait to see you this weekend!”

Pretty much anything snarky preempted with an “oh my God!” should give you an idea of who you’re dealing with.

Don’t get me wrong, everyone has their fake moments — pretending to not despise that annoying coworker, biting your tongue around an whorish ex-girlfriend, telling your fat friend she looks “stunning”. These are the everyday lies that hold together society. But to the Fake Friend, there is no “sometimes”. Every moment is part of a transparent, over-the-top show.

You can find the Fake Friend in large quanities in Los Angeles and New York City, although Fake Friends are scattered throughout the world and in every major Retail Outlet. The Fake Friend will more than likely be an attractive female, coming from a life of affluence and ease. Although rare, a Fake Friend can be a male, although he would typically just be a Douchebag, or in LA, your Agent.

When you come in contact with a Fake Friend, especially an acquaintance that you know as a Fake Friend, beat her to the punch. Get your voice high pitched and overly excited, and tell her “Oh my God, you look soooo cute!”. Then, before she has time to react, point to someone across the room and say, “Ooh my god, I just have to talk to Becky. I’ll see you later, okaay?!!” And then leave her there in a hurricane of fake friendery. If you’re lucky, her head will explode.
Also Known As: The Flake, The Nevershow, Your New BFF, The Award for Best Actress in a Conversation, OMG Overkill, The Wicked Witch of Your World


1 Comment

Filed under douche, entertainment, friends, los angeles, new york city, work

One response to “#23 The Fake Friend

  1. SarahP

    LOLz! thank you sooooo much for this article. dead on

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