#24 The Home Plate Waver

If only the ball hit him
The Home Plate Waver is the biggest gip amongst a whole slew of gips commonly referred to as baseball fans. Seen loafing on a plastic chair 4 rows behind the umpire, he demands the TV audience know he’s part of the broadcast — all 4 centimeters of his bulbous head.

Using the patented Frantic Hand Wave and Cell Phone Call™, the Home Plate Waver strives for one goal and one goal alone: talk to someone watching and let them know there’s a slight chance they’re on TV. Jazz hands are frequently used for emphasis.

Yet the hope of being seen quickly turns into desperation. Like a child on a diving board screaming for his mother to watch him jump, he pursues telephone calls to family and friends well into the 8th inning, hoping one person will say, “Yeah, I see your fat ass. It diverted me from witnessing a fantastic full count strikeout by Frank Viola, but I see your fat ass.”

He may be senile, but he\'s still a HPWSure, he’s got great box seats, but what the Waver’s really announcing to the world is his despondent need for attention. Such longing to be noticed ranks right below strippers and just a step above adult-film stars. But where pornstars get paid for blowing somebody, Home Plate Wavers are just blatant cocksmokers, forcing the great debate amongst American scholars as to who is actually the most attention-desperate

Unfortunately, 9 out of 10 HPWs never get discovered. This occurs for two main reasons: one, nobody gives a shit. And two, they simply don’t stand out. A perfect example: wearing an entire navy blue outfit at a Yankee game, with a dark hat that covers the eyes. It’s also hard to recognize someone when they’re stuffing their face full of hot dogs for 7 straight innings.

But negativity aside, the Home Plate Waver does display one positive quality: a resiliency on par with Die Hard’s John McClane. They will never give up on getting noticed. Yet, such stubborn manners force many of the baseball fans sitting directly behind them to scream outlandish sentiments about this pathetic plea for attention, as well as who had sex with HPW’s mother and in what orifice.

The Home Plate Waver can be found all over the USA, ruining MLB games in any city he visits or resides in. Very rarely will the Home Plate Waver stop his trademark shit storm — this usually occurs after a loud-mouth fan throws their shoe at him, or more frequently, when the usher comes by to check tickets and realizes the slob didn’t belong in this section in the first place.

By Scott Glockholder
Also Known As: Wavey Cockett, The Jazz Hands FairyMan, Look-At-Me-Dupree, Waveheart, Jenna Wave-a-son, Weiner Breath, The “If You Wave it, They Will Boo” Guy


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Filed under douche, los angeles, new york city, sports

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