#25 The Brohan

Hang Ten (Nuts in my mouth)
“No worries, bro.”

There’s something about a dude with blond-tipped hair and a shell necklace telling me, “It’s all zen, bro” that makes me naseuas. But such is the laid-back mantra of the Brohan. Can’t make the party? That’s chill. Get lost on your way to the beach? No worries, mate. Bang his girlfriend? Righteous.

With the Brohan, it’s all good. You know why? Because your his bro. You’re also his: broski, brohanis, brah, brotha, hombre, dude, mate, main man, and hermano. Sure, you’re not related. But no worries, it’s all good.

No matter what you do or say, it’s impossible to un-bro the Brohan. Even when their pissed off, it’s “hey bro, not cool.”. This occurs for a very simple reason: the Brohan cannot function without this word. Popeye had spinach, the Homeless have spare change, and the Brohan has the word “bro”. Without frequent and repeated use of the word, their bong-blasted mind will shut down, and eventually, implode.

Thou shalt be annoyed “Dude, how chill was your bro’s fiesta last weekend, broski?”

It’s easy to be confused by the repetitive nature of the Brohan’s dialect. Often, you can be following their conversation until one too many “bros” enter the mix, and then your not sure if their talking about a person, place, thing, or their actual brother. This is not uncommon.

If you’re having trouble understanding, it’s important to read “The Book of Brohan”. This parchment was passed down from God to the Matthew McConaughey (the Brohan’s Desciple) in late 1993, and has served as a bible for Bros ever since.

You can find the Brohan at your local beach, working at PacSun, or packing major bongloads into their 5-footer. You’ll immediately recognize them by their Brotributes: a shell necklace, no shirt, board shorts, frosted tips, and a “hang loose” hand jiggle.

It’s important to note, however, that while the Brohan is most often a surfer dude, it is common to encounter “The Brohan’s Broski”. The only difference between him and the Brohan will be a lack of a tan and/or shell necklace. Often, the Brohan’s Broski will be a Frat Guy, a Hipster, a College Student, or occasionally, a Guido. In any case, when you encounter the Brohan, reference Zoolander and respond: “I’m not your Brah, Brah.” It confuses them.
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Also Known As: The Brah Boy, Sir-Repeats-Alot, Down Under Brother, The Brah Montey, McConaughites, Dude, You Should Mess With The Brohan

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3 Comments

Filed under friends, los angeles, sports

3 responses to “#25 The Brohan

  1. Doood

    ur not my brah brah

  2. Doc Gooden

    The Brohan pic at the very top looks dead like David Lee Roth… SKIPPIDEE-BOP-SHE-BOP!

  3. Anonymous

    Good article but your spelling and grammar are fucking atrocious. Do you even proof-read this stuff?

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