The Ringtoner Extraordinaire is the kind of girl who finds human beings so simple, so uncomplicated, that she’s confident in summing them up through one digitized pop song. Whether you’re a friend, coworker or family member, your never too valuable to be replaced by a $1.99 download on their LG Chocolate.
The most prevalent flaw with the Ringtoner Extraordinaire is the unoriginality behind their song choices, with nitwit connections including Alicia Keyes’ “In & Out of Love” for a former lover and “We’re Not Gonna Take It” by Twisted Sister whenever her (you guessed it!) sister calls. While the RE sees originality in her song-to-caller choices, the rest of the world sees (and hears) a tone-deaf ardtard.
You’ll also notice the RE’s total inability to pick appropriate or politically correct ringtones. Don’t be surprised to hear “My Neck, My Back (Lick it)” by Khia when her grandfather calls, or “Whoop That Trick” for her Mother. I had the unfortunate experience of witnessing the RE’s senselessness at my own aunt’s funeral, when my cousin’s phone rang out Hall n Oates’ “She’s Gone.” Bravo, you dumb bitch.
Despite the complexity of her pubescent emotional state, you’ll notice the RE is not a bright bulb. Odds are her song selections are:
a) produced by Timbaland
b) found on Clive Davis’ record label
c) off her favorite album “Now That’s What I Call Music: Vol. Who Gives A Shit!”
d) rhyme with Shmelly Shmurtado.
The RE loves to paint with broad strokes. In fact, there is an eerie similarity between the Ringtoner Extraordinaire and sheriffs of the Deep South circa 1960. Both groups have a strong urge to categorize a person into one particular group, disregarding individuality altogether. More than likely, a relative of Ringtoner Extraordinaire has participated in church bombings or, if foreign, apartheid.
Ringtoner Extraordinaires can be found pretty much everywhere in this country — except at Onyx concerts, where after a girl’s ringtone interrupted their performance of “Blac Vagina Finda.” , singer Fredro Starr boot-stomped the girl into a coma. Despite this incident, REs have seen an overwhelming growth in popularity, especially among female teenagers. Currently, owning several ringtones is as popular in middle school as MTV’s The Hills and the fad of trading Parliament Lights for oral sex.
The true dilemma that faces single ringtone owners versus their multiple-ringtone counterparts is the fact that most female REs are quite attractive, hence the complications that arise during conversation between the two post-coitus. Keep in mind that this is only a problem for men, as any female who sweats a male Ringtoner Extraordinaire should understand he’s a homosexual.
By Scott Glockholder
Also Known As: Ringtone Clone, Boner & Toner Lover, Toney Toney Toney, Ring Jobbers, Celly Cell and the Ruin Movies Crew, Love-to-Interrupt Slut, The Girl with the Pearl Necklace and lots of Ringtones, 8th Graders