#27 The White Trash

Whats wrong with this picture?
Somewhere between patriotism and a 30-pack of Busch Lite lies the social anomaly known as White Trash. Yes, this is the American wasteland where pulling out is birth control, pregnant women have belly button rings, and the mullet is king.

You’ll know the White Trash by their signature “inbred” look. This is not to say they actually take their sister to bed. But their cousin, definitely. Maybe it’s the powerlines they live under, their commitment to staying in school until the 7th grade, or the lead in the paint chips they eat, but they just look stupid. That straw in their mouth doesn’t help either.

Yet, among the White Trash, being “trashy” is a point of pride. They’ll smoke Marlboro’s, eat spam, and cheat on their wife with her sister just like their Papy, and his Papy before him. America is king, evildoers are terrorists, and Bush just makes sense. Oh, and if you don’t drive an American made truck, you’re a terrorist as well.

I bet she\'s a virgin

I bet she's a virgin

And why not? Life is simple for the White Trash. They keep their aspirations low (“When I grow up, I want to be a waitress”), keep their bills minimal (“This trailer home practically pays for itself!”), and they keep their women in line (“I don’t care if she’s your sister, I love her.”) In fact, there’s pretty much only one rule they live by:
No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem” Everything else is just unAmerican.

So grab a confederate flag, tighten up those overalls, and grab your gun, because there’s a hootinanny at the waterin’ hole and Uncle Skeeter’s about to shoot off some homemade fireworks.

You can find the White Trash concentrated in the Southern/Central regions of the United States, with pockets of trashiness scattered throughout the country. Most likely, you’ll see them in large concentrations at NRA meetings and Kenny Chesney concerts. It’s important to note that the “white trash look” has at times become hip and popular, such as during Cyndi Lauper’s career and during Derek Zoolander’s “Derelict” campaign.

If you find yourself in the midst of a rowdy group of White Trash, and you’re nervous that your Abercrombie shirt might tip them off, simply say “Get ‘Er Done!”. They will embrace you like their cousin.
___________
Also Known As: Trailer Trash, The Redneck, America’s Got Garbage, Confederate Kids, Constable Cockeye, The Mullet Men

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1 Comment

Filed under booze, the south, trashy

One response to “#27 The White Trash

  1. surveygirl46

    Hysterical! I wonder if there are a lot of pregnant flatso trailer trash waitresses working at the Flap Jacks around the US?

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