Monthly Archives: August 2008

#35 The Guido

I'm a douche bag!
Nothing says strong like a gallon of LA Looks X-Treme Hold Hair Gel loaded onto the scalp of an Italian twentysomething. Sure, the bottle says it will hold that hair in place for six hours, but…will it also be able to withstand fist fights, sea water, skank juice, and Busch Lite?

Such is the everyday battle of the Guido. Will the hair gel hold? Did I pout my lips out enough in that picture? Does this tramp have herpes?

Yet, in the family tree of skeevy, greasy-haired douchebags, the Guido is the Godfather. They are the patriarchal head of East-Coast shitbricks; with popular sects including, but not limited to: The Blowout, The Fake Tan, The Double-Popped D-Bag, The Pencil Chinstrap, and The Meathead.

Yet, while all these sub-sects can be used and utalized individually, the Guido is the sack of sorrys that holds them all. They not only embody all of these traits, but add to it a sense of VD-filled pride and unadulterated support. It’s blind nationalism, and their nation is the New Jersey Shore.

Their main objective: live each day as if it was Spring Break on Muscle Island. They do not aspire for marriage or love, but rather one-night stands and donkeypunches. And while they want money to buy new Polos and pink-striped shirts, they often lack the incentive to stay employed. Many will work as Bouncers or bartenders, since this suits their busy schedule of drinking and lifting weights.

Still confused? This piece, entitled Guido Beach should fill in any gaps of the Guido portrait:

The Guido will be predominantly of the Italian decent, possibly on steroids, and definitely be a douchebag. As a full-blooded Italian man myself, they invoke a self-loathing that would rival a German Jew. Yet, they’re not alone in this world. Their female counterpart, the Gino, will happily oggle their muscles, pound down Heinekens, and slob on some knobs like corn on the cob. Just like Mom taught ’em.

If you see a Guido, point down the road and yell, “Hey! Is that Vin Diesel?!”. When they turn to look, kick them in the nuts. This is unfortunately the only hope we have of stopping them from reproducing.
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Also Known As: The Defining Douchebag, Meat Warriors, Gigli, The Jersey Junkies, Italian Cancer, Shore Whores

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Filed under beach, douche, friends, guidos, new jersey, tans, trashy

#34 The High-Angle MySpace Slut

Tittays
High Angle MySpace Sluts (or HAMS, as they’re referred to by worried mothers, pornographic casting agencies, and anyone else scouring the internet for teenage ingenues) are a slew of females who find the best way to show off their beauty is through a square-inch photo placed in some sort of networking website. I use the term slew in describing this sub-species because, ironically, these girls have been ridden more times than Triple Crown winner Seattle Slew.

This particular photo, no matter how small, possesses one key trait: a self-shot photograph from a high angle, preferably close-up. Research has shown the popularity of this particular angle is due to the false belief that it makes the subject much thinner. But if one was to consult their medical physician or common sense, they’ll quickly learn that fat is fat. You can’t take the bone out of the chicken.

HAMS use the high-angle pose in accordance with two key physical traits, sucking in the cheeks and cocking the head downward (note how it’s only natural for the words “sucking” and “cocking” to exist when describing HAMS). HAMS feel these traits let their audience, mainly 10th grade chemistry teachers, know they are (A) easy and (B) attractive. But mainly easy.

Moons Over My Hammy

Moons Over My Hammy

HAMS have become highly controversial in recent years, with the increases in both teenage pregnancy and the sale of glittery lip gloss being direct results. HAMS have always been hip to inner circles of popular social groups because of their affinity for swallowing anything, be it e-pills or another man’s babies. Such popularity has forced the entertainment business to embrace this sub-sect, with several spokespeople displaying this way of life, mainly Tila Tequila or any contestant associated with all things broadcasted on VH-1.

HAMS can be found at any social function where mind-altering drugs are being handed out, especially low-lit places where their looks are manipulated for the better. These social functions include but aren’t limited to public school janitor closets, BEBE back-to-school sales, and bukkake parties.

If ever approached by HAMS, please understand that the low-lighting has created the illusion of natural beauty. Also, don’t act surprised to see their hair gel has morphed a once cute hairdo into a plastic dreadlock-dental floss texture. Finally, be sure to keep a pack of profolactics on your person and a bottle of Listerine in your car, as it is almost guaranteed that HAMS have the gum disease gingivitis.

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: Ballrats, Teenage Wasteland, The Big Easies, Our next guest on today’s show, Millenial Hoes, Who Are You Kidding, Digital Cam Tramp, The Jilted Quicker Picker Upper Mounty, Kid Sister
Related: The Reality Show Contestant, The Fake Friend

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Filed under face, friends, internet, prostitute, sex, technology

#33 The T-Shirt In The Water Guy


“Man, it’s hot today! So I decided to head to the beach for a refreshing dip in the water with all of my clothes on. I just love to soak my body in the cool waters of the Pacific. Let the ocean fill my Jenco jeans, and the the cold waters wash over my Mickey Mouse Shirt. This is heaven, and I’m glad I’m dressed to impress.”

The above passage was an excerpt from “Wet Cotton XXL: The Diary of a T-Shirt In the Water Guy“. The publication, which has sold hundreds of copies worldwide, is hailed as the unofficial bible for all things water-resistant.

But despite being waterlogged, the T-Shirt in the Water Guy is not a weak link. They are determined beasts, ready to break conformity, and forge their own rules. Because with the T-Shirt Guy, it’s not just a “dip”, it’s a day. For the next 5 hours, his shirt will be soaked to the core. Sand will stick to every orafice like stink on a monkey.

That brief swim will cause chaffed nipples and thighs, wet car seats, and draw stares of disapproval. But it’s worth it. Because they just did their laundry AND went swimming at the same time. What did you accomplish at the beach?

Just taking a dip before my 5PM Meeting

Just taking a dip before my 5PM Meeting

They are the daredevils and bad-asses of the swimming world. They pee in their clothes (in the water), and scoff at the rule about waiting an hour after you eat to swim. In fact, many eat while they swim.

It’s largely understood that the T-Shirt in the Water Guy’s desire to stay clothed comes from a deep-seeded place. Many tend to be larger individuals; some may be embarrassed by their moobs (man boobs). However, in many countries, the notion of swimming fully clothed is a normal one. Here, the T-Shirt in the Water Guy reigns supreme.

You can find the T-Shirt in the Water Guy at your local beach, floating around in the pool, or showering at home fully-clothed. Now while certain members may cross over, it’s important to note that for the most part, T-Shirt Water Guys are NOT part of the “never nude” camp. You may also notice that Hippies really enjoy swimming while dressed.

If you see a T-Shirt in the Water Guy, I recommend you give them a high five, or slap their ass good-sportsmanship-like. It’s important to encourage their behavior. Otherwise, they’ll just stay at home and spray the hose on themselves.

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Filed under beach, body, clothes, idiot accessories, tans