#36 The Sweater Over Shoulders Herb

I'm sitting on a rubber fist!

I'm sitting on a rubber fist!

In the world of rich yacht-dwelling dipshits, their is one pastel pole-jockey that reigns supreme. This is the Sweater Over Shoulders Herb (or SOSH, for those that’d like to call them it to their face). It takes a bold man to drape a pink sweater over his shoulder like a 1970s country club grandmother. But the SOSH is a bold bunch. So bold, in fact, they often play all-male Twister nude with a bag of Chex Mix Bold Party Blend.

You may be confused at first. Is there a draft in the room? Maybe he’s got a birthmark on his neck he’s ashamed of? Maybe his shoulders are prone to frostbite?

But I assure you, there’s no birthmark, and there’s no draft (well, except for the one that keeps blowing douchebags onto Long Island). There’s just a goober with no fashion sense and a penchant for soft tones.

The sweater is a decoration. Like stripes on an General’s uniform, the SOSH displays his arrogance and wealth by shoulder-sweaters. Just as a rich housewife wears a pearl necklace, the SOSH will adorn themselves with a knitted honor. Polos, business suits, pajamas — as long as there’s a shoulder, the SOSH will hang a sweater on it. In rare instances, you may see three or four sweaters stacked on top of a SOSH’s shoulders. This is known as Accelerated Sweater Syndrome, or abbreviated, being an ASS.

You can find the SOSH in and around the Hamptons, Greenwich, and other areas with old money and no minorities. The will most likely be drinking a Wine Spritzer, feigning heterosexuality, and talking about their new BMW 3 Series convertible: “So I told the Dealership: ‘You want my business, you get me a light pink coupe.'”

When you see a Sweater Over Shoulders Herb, you’re first reaction should be to fake a smile and give the SOSH a huge “nice sweater” thumbs up. In a few minutes, bring your conversation closer to the SOSH, take a lighter out, and subtly light his sweater on fire. This is called “Hot Sweater”. Stand back a few paces, give him that huge thumbs up, and say “Hot Sweater, man!”
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Also Known As: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Shoulder Sweaters 3, Country Club Cowboys, The Long Island Birthmark, Herbalicious, Pish Posh SOSH, The Red Badge of Gayness

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5 Comments

Filed under awful, beach, clothes, douche, idiot accessories, long island, parents, rich people

5 responses to “#36 The Sweater Over Shoulders Herb

  1. Clown Raper

    Please keep this shit up! I love it all~

  2. You’re describing my next door neighbor.

    He mows his lawn in a buttoned-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up, pleated khaki shorts and boat shoes sans socks.

    He saves the Sweater Over Shoulders for when he’s cruising in the Miata with the top down.

  3. mysweetmusings

    Sadly and to no one’s surprise, there’s a part of Dallas full of these douche bags…it’s called Uptown and its the Mecca for this loosers.

  4. Old school grandpa..

    Hmm…kinda lame how you have to be so judgmental about something as inconsequential as personal style. So what if they like to dress that way? Did it ever occur to you that some people just like that look. I have a grandfather that dresses like this, just b/c he likes anything old school. But I’d hardly say he’s rich; public school teachers get by, but certainly are not rich. Anyhow, I pick out my clothes (usually a graphic tee and jeans) because they’re comfortable for me, and I like shirts with funny sayings and graphics. What ever happened to “live and let live” or “to each, his own”?

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