#41 The Metrosexual

We're 51% straight!

We're 51% straight!

If it’s cool to be gay, than this guy is balls-deep in an ass. And if being gay is uncool, than this guy is still balls deep, but he’ll be blasting the latest Akon mashup and feigning heterosexuality. This is the confused dichotomy of the Metrosexual — dress like a gay person to score chicks.

The Metrosexual is the Clark Kent of the gay world, able to walk on the straight side then run into a telephone booth and come out with a feather boa. They want to be gay so badly that they’re willing to put on the full costume and shake their tailfeather. But if you’re a gay guy, don’t you even LOOK at them. Because they’ll make you a knuckle sandwich with extra man-meat.

It’s ironic, however, that while the Metrosexual embraces gay fashion and stylings, they are perhaps the most “homophobic” people on earth. Notice the quotation marks I put around that word. It’s common knowledge that many such metrosexuals will outwardly hate, but on the inside, be as gay as Clay Aiken. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

If there’s a 2-for-1 deal on waxing, they’ll get their chest and their taint waxed. If there’s a sale at Barney’s, they’ll be waiting outside the door with a $5000 credit limit. And if there’s a new trendy club, they’ll be there with greased hair and a collared shirt.

The Metrosexual lives a fabulous life, with a peppering of douchiness mixed in. So how do you tell a metro from a gay person? It’s a tough distinction, and one I don’t really care about making.

What’s particularly interesting is that while the Metrosexual philosophy is aimed at pleasing women, they are often the butt of the joke on both sides of the fence. Straight men dislike Metros, Gay men dislike Metros, and most women scoff at Metros. So that pretty much means that only Metrosexuals like other Metrosexuals. Again, man on man.

You can largely find Metrosexuals concentrated in New York City and areas of Long Island/New Jersey. They love clubbing, rap music where the vocals are robotized, and being inside another man (not in a gay way). Hobbies include: Frosting their tips, buying stripped shirts, Madonna (especially her new stuff), scarves, and reading GQ, both online and in print.
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Also Known As: Metro, Gay For Play, The Bare-Chested Stripped-Shirt Guy, The Confused Clubber, Ball Street, The Fabulous Homophobe

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8 Comments

Filed under body, clothes, douche, friends, guidos, idiot accessories, long island, new jersey, new york city, rich people

8 responses to “#41 The Metrosexual

  1. I want to hack every single one of those guys to death with a garden implement.

  2. Mike

    I love this blog! Great idea! PHENOMENAL!

    Mike

  3. Pingback: #47 The Hipster « Idiot Pants Party

  4. Kat

    So what if a guy takes better care of himself than you? Don’t like that they get laid more than you? Then maybe you should emulate them.

    Metrosexual is a lot more appealing than big buff manly-man.

  5. Ura

    after reaching #41 on this blog, i’ve begun trying to picture the author of it.

    I can only imagine he is a man of great stature. Intelligent, wise, and ultimately, extremely manly. Like Kevin Costner in The Postman manly.

    I am very jealous of you sir. I wish that you would make a self help book, so I never become a part of the idiot pants party.

    I mean, your list has caused me so much worry. I like to dress nice, and I enjoy cheap beer. Does that make me a metrosexual hipster. I’m concerned about this, I care very very much about how I am viewed by others. Especially anonymous bloggers on the internet.

    I hope if you met me, you would like me, I would not like to become a part of your blog.

    I’m sure you are a great socialite and a great conversationalist. I hope that someday I can be as insightful and charismatic as you.

    sincerely,
    Ura Purtentous Diq

  6. DocGooden

    ura, your post was as long as the IPP entry. you must have a lot of friends.

  7. Pingback: Angry Ward Wednesday: The Best NBA Preview Ever, Sports Hell

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