Monthly Archives: November 2008

#48 The Chubby Guy w/ Shorts in the Winter

Shorts in snow!  What a rebel!!

Shorts in Snow! What a rebel!!

The Fat Guy Who Wears Shorts in the Winter, he’s been seen by almost everyone and almost everyone’s glad they aren’t him when they see him. Of course, I refer to the portly gentleman who thinks he’s braving a whole new world by wearing shorts (mesh, cargo, or tropical) in January. The air remains frigid and the grass remains rock hard, but the cankles get displayed for the next 2 months.

Rationality, logic, common sense—a chubby man in shorts in the dead of winter retains none of these things. Instead, chubby dude in shorts ironically pursues a more image-driven lifestyle, hoping that he’ll turn some female heads in his direction for his daring use of choice bottoms, rather than his typical trademark: barbecue sauce on his cheeks despite it being 9am.

Chubby Dude in Shorts wants to get noticed for his courageous choice of clothing rather than getting noticed for sweating while reading. But by no means should one direct any sympathy his way. Chubby guy has friends and he’s popular in certain social circles, but his over-zealous attitude requires him to make his mark in the winter. He needs to be seen and needs to brag to everyone that despite his backwards hat, he’s an original breed of man, hence, the shorts.

chubbyshortsinwinter2Unfortunately Chubby Dude in Shorts in the Dead of Winter needs to realize that once he wears these shorts, he’s forced to wear them any time the temperature is exactly the same or warmer than that particular day when he first wore them. Failure to do so results in finger pointing followed by the word “fag” repeated by all passer-bys.

Chubby Guy can be found on all US college campuses, or wherever there are cold days and high unemployment rates for soft Caucasians; and by that I mean Cincinnati. The Chubby Dude in Shorts in the Dead of Winter is only recognized in this one season. But even if you do not see him in the distance, chubby dude can be heard within earshot due to his infatuation with public acoustic guitar playing. On campuses, the chubby gip will play a guitar in the quad but will pertain his musical playlist to Dave Matthews Band and acoustic covers of popular hip-hop anthems (Gin and Juice and Boyz In Da Hood come to mind). Other specific attributes of this chubby guy in shorts include tardiness and scholastic failure.

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: Martin Shorts, Cold Yet Bold, Cool as Ice…Cream, Winter Weezer, Cold Blooded with Cankles, The Sweaty Guy From Microbiology 112.

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Filed under clothes, college, douche, fat, idiot accessories

#47 The Hipster

It's Hip to be Square

It's Hip to be Square

Lead by an army of tight jeans, thick-rimmed glasses, fedoras, and scarves, the Hipster has a seemingly singular goal: don’t conform to what pop culture tells you is “cool”. Wear whatever you want. As long as it conforms to what other Hipsters tell you is cool.

Such is the dichotomy of Hipster culture. They are the uber-cool rebellion, the retro-hip stylistas of Generation X…but that “I don’t care” look takes careful, deliberate planning. They have to find ripped jeans and a black top hat to match their vintage Clash t-shirt. And that hand-woven scarf from Chelsea needs to match those patched-up denim jeans they bought from a boutique last week.

But don’t let their frail body structure fool you, the Hipster Nation is a force to be reckoned with. Popularity among white, wealthy, suburban twenty-somethings has nearly tripled in the last five years, leading to an increase in book clubs, “ironic” mustaches, and mop-top haircuts. Sales of Parliament Cigarettes and old school Chuck Taylors have seen similar spikes, all thanks to being “Hipster essentials”.

Hipsters use the sarcasm they garnered during their early 90s youth, but combine that with an irony they feel is synonymous with their culture. In other words, they’re so ironically sarcastic that they’re actually making a completely normal statement, they just roll their eyes when doing it.

Blue collar is so hip!

Blue collar is so hip!

They are self loathers. Despite their detest for “frat guys”, Hipsters love cheap beers (prime choices being Schafer and Pabst Blue Ribbon). They also prefer to shop at thrift stores and find inexpensive clothing. They hate designer clothes, yet are perfectly content with having their parents pay for their brownstone.

Key Hipster traits:

– Hipsters are ultra-PC, to the point that it’s politically incorrect to use the term “PC.”
– Hipsters think it’s cool that strangers can’t pinpoint their sexual orientation.
– Hipsters sweat low-fidelity rock music and any bands that doesn’t have more than 40 people in the crowd. The minute the band sells out a show at “Spaceland” in LA or “The Warsaw” in brooklyn, hipsters find the band completely shitty.
– Hipsters love ten speed bikes.
– Hipsters love V-neck t-shirts and poorly designed tattoos.
– Hipsters can’t dance but hide this lack of talent through frowns & tilted heads.
– Hipsters are content with being mugged. it doesn’t bother them ’cause it’s not their money (it’s daddy’s loot).

You’ll find the Hipster predominantly “chilling” in metropolitan areas. Namely, New York City and Los Angeles, with large pockets concentrated in Brooklyn and Los Feliz (respectively). You may notice the Hipster bumming a smoke outside cofee shops, at Costco buying bulk packs of plain white t-shirts, or if you’re a girl, borrowing your jeans.
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Also Known As: It’s Hip To Be Square, Dora the Fedora, Hipster Nation, That Dude With A Scarf, Too Cool For School, The New Emo
Related: The Metrosexual, The Emo Kid

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#46 The Empty Brita Jerk

If the nachos are stuck together, that's one nacho.

I thought you liked it empty.

One step below “The Guy That Steps In Dog Shit And Drags It Into Your Apartment” sits The Empty Brita Jerk. And they’re silently waiting to steal that last precious sip of decency.

Perhaps one of the most universally despised members of the Idiot Pants Party, the Brita Jerk follows one self-functioning rule: put the Brita jug back in the fridge immediately after use, without exception. Even if the only thing left in it is those little black pebbles floating on the bottom, they will put it back on that shelf as quickly as a fat person restocking their Twinkie supply.

Sure it’s “rude”, but that’s not really an accurate description of the Brita Jerk (or simply, the BJ). I would call it more of a “dick move”. But don’t fear, the BJ is no stranger to pulling a quick dick move. They run in the same school of thought as people that double dip chips, put expired milk back in the fridge, and bum your last cigarette. It’s not that they don’t get the rules, they just don’t give a shit.

empty britaPerhaps the most notable characteristic of the BJ is their illusiveness. You may leave your living room for only a few minutes and return to find an empty canteen and no leads. And that’s because the BJ could be anyone. A friend, family member, roommate, guest — hell, anyone too lazy to walk two feet to the sink and wait 30 seconds to fill it up could be the culprit. (The Stoner is a notorious BJ).

Frequently, the BJ will be a male in their late teens to early 30s, and unmarried. This is not to say that married people are BJ-free, but lets just say, it’s much less frequent. Just like their sex lives. A new study conducted by The Anti-Brita Jerk Association found that people from New Jersey are ten times less likely to fill up the Brita — a fact credited to their lethargic reliance on having their gas pumped for them.

If you do indeed catch a BJ in the act, your best bet would be to enact a “Fridge Ban”, whereas they are officially uninvited to partake in any and everything that comes or goes into said fridge (including beer). After enacting such a ban, you will find that your cupeth doth overflow.
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Also Known As: The Brita Bandit, Empty Stockings, The No Refill Friend, JD McNugent, I Don’t Fill, “If The Nachos Are Stuck Together, That’s One Nacho”, The Canteen Culprit

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