#46 The Empty Brita Jerk

If the nachos are stuck together, that's one nacho.

I thought you liked it empty.

One step below “The Guy That Steps In Dog Shit And Drags It Into Your Apartment” sits The Empty Brita Jerk. And they’re silently waiting to steal that last precious sip of decency.

Perhaps one of the most universally despised members of the Idiot Pants Party, the Brita Jerk follows one self-functioning rule: put the Brita jug back in the fridge immediately after use, without exception. Even if the only thing left in it is those little black pebbles floating on the bottom, they will put it back on that shelf as quickly as a fat person restocking their Twinkie supply.

Sure it’s “rude”, but that’s not really an accurate description of the Brita Jerk (or simply, the BJ). I would call it more of a “dick move”. But don’t fear, the BJ is no stranger to pulling a quick dick move. They run in the same school of thought as people that double dip chips, put expired milk back in the fridge, and bum your last cigarette. It’s not that they don’t get the rules, they just don’t give a shit.

empty britaPerhaps the most notable characteristic of the BJ is their illusiveness. You may leave your living room for only a few minutes and return to find an empty canteen and no leads. And that’s because the BJ could be anyone. A friend, family member, roommate, guest — hell, anyone too lazy to walk two feet to the sink and wait 30 seconds to fill it up could be the culprit. (The Stoner is a notorious BJ).

Frequently, the BJ will be a male in their late teens to early 30s, and unmarried. This is not to say that married people are BJ-free, but lets just say, it’s much less frequent. Just like their sex lives. A new study conducted by The Anti-Brita Jerk Association found that people from New Jersey are ten times less likely to fill up the Brita — a fact credited to their lethargic reliance on having their gas pumped for them.

If you do indeed catch a BJ in the act, your best bet would be to enact a “Fridge Ban”, whereas they are officially uninvited to partake in any and everything that comes or goes into said fridge (including beer). After enacting such a ban, you will find that your cupeth doth overflow.
Also Known As: The Brita Bandit, Empty Stockings, The No Refill Friend, JD McNugent, I Don’t Fill, “If The Nachos Are Stuck Together, That’s One Nacho”, The Canteen Culprit



Filed under annoying people, food, friends, new jersey

3 responses to “#46 The Empty Brita Jerk

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  2. #47 – The Shitty Robotic Blog Commenter

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  3. Joey Bots

    Hilarious post! I have to admit, there were a couple times in college I was The Empty Brita Jerk. Tough times…

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