#47 The Hipster

It's Hip to be Square

It's Hip to be Square

Lead by an army of tight jeans, thick-rimmed glasses, fedoras, and scarves, the Hipster has a seemingly singular goal: don’t conform to what pop culture tells you is “cool”. Wear whatever you want. As long as it conforms to what other Hipsters tell you is cool.

Such is the dichotomy of Hipster culture. They are the uber-cool rebellion, the retro-hip stylistas of Generation X…but that “I don’t care” look takes careful, deliberate planning. They have to find ripped jeans and a black top hat to match their vintage Clash t-shirt. And that hand-woven scarf from Chelsea needs to match those patched-up denim jeans they bought from a boutique last week.

But don’t let their frail body structure fool you, the Hipster Nation is a force to be reckoned with. Popularity among white, wealthy, suburban twenty-somethings has nearly tripled in the last five years, leading to an increase in book clubs, “ironic” mustaches, and mop-top haircuts. Sales of Parliament Cigarettes and old school Chuck Taylors have seen similar spikes, all thanks to being “Hipster essentials”.

Hipsters use the sarcasm they garnered during their early 90s youth, but combine that with an irony they feel is synonymous with their culture. In other words, they’re so ironically sarcastic that they’re actually making a completely normal statement, they just roll their eyes when doing it.

Blue collar is so hip!

Blue collar is so hip!

They are self loathers. Despite their detest for “frat guys”, Hipsters love cheap beers (prime choices being Schafer and Pabst Blue Ribbon). They also prefer to shop at thrift stores and find inexpensive clothing. They hate designer clothes, yet are perfectly content with having their parents pay for their brownstone.

Key Hipster traits:

– Hipsters are ultra-PC, to the point that it’s politically incorrect to use the term “PC.”
– Hipsters think it’s cool that strangers can’t pinpoint their sexual orientation.
– Hipsters sweat low-fidelity rock music and any bands that doesn’t have more than 40 people in the crowd. The minute the band sells out a show at “Spaceland” in LA or “The Warsaw” in brooklyn, hipsters find the band completely shitty.
– Hipsters love ten speed bikes.
– Hipsters love V-neck t-shirts and poorly designed tattoos.
– Hipsters can’t dance but hide this lack of talent through frowns & tilted heads.
– Hipsters are content with being mugged. it doesn’t bother them ’cause it’s not their money (it’s daddy’s loot).

You’ll find the Hipster predominantly “chilling” in metropolitan areas. Namely, New York City and Los Angeles, with large pockets concentrated in Brooklyn and Los Feliz (respectively). You may notice the Hipster bumming a smoke outside cofee shops, at Costco buying bulk packs of plain white t-shirts, or if you’re a girl, borrowing your jeans.
Also Known As: It’s Hip To Be Square, Dora the Fedora, Hipster Nation, That Dude With A Scarf, Too Cool For School, The New Emo
Related: The Metrosexual, The Emo Kid



Filed under annoying people, clothes, emo, haircuts, idiot accessories, los angeles, new york city, trendy

5 responses to “#47 The Hipster

  1. mysweetmusings

    spot on homie! Love it! I have hipster neighbors, so you can add to their traits…
    – Hipsters don’t drive new cars, they drive their parent’s cars. Typically volvos and VWs.
    -Hipsters smoke weed, but only socially.

  2. One overheard snippet that made me almost piss myself outside of a thrift store in Philadelphia: a young hipster couple were browsing the second hand tee shirts on the rack outside, the usual volunteer fire department and high school pride kind of tees. The bearded one whined: “I don’t know, none of these are IRONIC enough.” The anorexic one: “No, definitely not ironic, let’s go someplace else.”

    PS I’ve been to the Warsaw, I guess it depends on what show you go to. I was there for Cavestomp last Fall, and it was mostly grizzled old rock and rollers who had traveled a ways to be there. There *was* one little hipster there whose lights I wanted to punch out, I nicknamed him the Little Bearded Faggot. Little Bearded Faggot was about five feet tall and he kept pushing against me. I raised my fist in a neighborly “I’m going to knock you into tomorrow if you do that one more time” threat and he buggered off and found someone else to bounce on.

  3. Johnny Dickerson

    Hey, here’s a good label to attach to people, including yourself: the perfectly normal person. The “perfectly normal” person self-righteously stereotypes and makes fun of people who don’t lead the same dull life they do. The “perfectly normal” person usually watches “The Office” because, sadly, it reflects their own dismal work situation. The “perfectly normal” person usually doesn’t have a life, so they create a blog dedicated to ridiculing other peoples’ lives.

  4. Doc Gooden

    Johnny Dickerson is a perfectly normal buzzkill…without a perfectly normal sense of humor.


    Haha, I agree Doc. although I remember you being a buzzkill on the entry about stoners. Maybe there should be a category for hypocrites. But seriously.. this site is hilarious, and the people who take it too seriously need to just loosen up. You could probably add a category for overly sensitive people too if you wanted to.

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