Monthly Archives: December 2008

#51 The Guy-Liner

One small step for Makeup.  One giant leap backwards for Mankind.

One small step for Makeup. One giant leap backwards for Mankind.

The guy in eyeliner has become a sudden hit among heterosexual men mainly because of the social acceptance of other feminine styles, specifically faux-hawks and painted fingernails (thank Carson Daly for that one, folks). Guy-Liner, as he’s commonly labeled, is usually a very typical modern man, equipped with a good education, a full-time job, and some social skills. Unfortunately such qualities are quickly discarded once eyeliner’s applied and the once normal person is a verified piece of shit.

The basic appearance of Guy-Liner is the heavy eye shadow usually correlated solely to prostitutes and battered wives. The eyeliner is then combined with a strange choice of wardrobe, with a heavy focus on the choice of fingerless gloves and a scarf to match (both worn only in summer). Guy-Liner also finds solace in other rebellious, edgy activities, including vampire role-playing and seeing Twilight in theatres despite being old enough to drive and not having any younger siblings.

guyliner-43751The reasons for this choice of make-up have not been fully explained, but one can associate Guy-Liner’s eccentric eye shadow with the popularity of Pete Wentz, Hot Topic, and the 21st century ideal that “it’s OK to be a pussy” (again, see Pete Wentz). Guy-Liner’s real purpose in using this make-up is to tell his female constituents he’s sensitive and artistic while also letting his male counterparts know it’s ok to knock his jaw loose. Guy-Liner differs from the Goth craze of the early 80s and the industrial scene in today’s music, favoring the sounds of Darude’s “Sandstorm” over The Cure.

Guy-Liner can be found in any major city where the social circuits revolve around the underbelly of clubbing, mainly Miami and New York. Guy-Liner loves to stay in the dark, part of his mysterious appearance, but also because he understands how unattractive and pathetic he looks with such make-up on. Please note — users, abusers, and narcs — there’s a high chance of Guy-Liner’s pockets being stuffed with Special K, Ecstasy, and tissues (the latter being a necessity to stop his eye shadow from running every time he cries due to rejection and/or a deserved beat down), so please rush the fool when you see him.

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: Eye-Van The Terrible, The Shadow, Ghoulie Groupie, Black Eye Wack Guy, My Chemical Blow-mance, Jared Leto, The Man Makeup

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Filed under annoying people, clothes, douche, emo, face, idiot accessories, los angeles, new york city

#50 The Conspiracy Theorist

ConspiracyTheoristFresh off a bong rip and the latest installment of “Zeitgeist”, the Conspiracy Theorist is there to let you know that this society we live in is not quite a “society” at all. It’s all a huge lie propagated by corporations and evil governments worldwide.

Did you know that Big Business controls our government? And that our government LIES to us? Do you know how happy our society would be if we bandished the monetary system, and in it’s place, set up a system of equality and shared goods?

Yeah, no shit. I’d also be a lot happier if the ATM tickled my balls when I withdrew money, but it doesn’t. And I’d like a happy ending every time I buy a loaf of bread, but that doesn’t happen either. (Believe me, I keep my hopes high.)

But all this “reality”, “real world” nonsense is not important. To the Conspiracy Theorist, it’s all about just that — theory. Hypothetical fantasy lands where money is abolished and people live in harmony. There’s no fighting and no 9/11, because everyone shares and does their part. And the best part is, it rains gumdrops here!

ConspiracyTheoryKey traits of the Conspiracy Theorist are: medium-to-long hair, usually unkempt; a beard or mustache of some variety — again, unkempt; bags under their eyes due to hours spent scouring the internet for “clues”; ugly sweaters and/or turtlenecks; and a weakness for the sticky icky. They like organic food, as it lacks “government poison”, and enjoy anywhere between 2-4 cups of coffee a day. Black. Just like the heart of George Bush.

Yet, the one thing the CT loves more than anything else is talking. Much like the “Let Me Tell You About My Day Guy”, you could be in the middle of a normal conversation and let’s say you mention “movies” or “money” — BLAM! — say goodbye to your next two hours. Your in for a world of CT BS.

You can find the Conspiracy Theorist concentrated in deep, woodsy areas, or on the “outskirts” of major cities. They’ll most likely be high and watching “Loose Change”, “Zeitgiest”, “Zietgiest II”, or the Mel Gibson/Julia Roberts starrer “Conspiracy Theory”. If you find yourself stuck in a conversation with a CT, tell them you’re in law school, training to become a Politician. They’ll assume you’re part of “the program”, and shut up faster than a whore at a cock party.
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Also Known As: The Useless Debater, Lie-Loving Larry, The 9/11 Fanster, They’re After Me, Theo Theory, Ballsack Face, Gullible’s Travels

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Filed under annoying people, conspiracy, friends, internet

#49 The Facebook Parent

Mom.  Not Cool.

Mom. Not Cool.

There’s only one thing worse than social networking, and that’s social networking when you’re old. It’s enough that every person I’ve ever been aquatinted with can now view pictures of me and write on my “wall” — but the day that Mom and Dad enter this equation….I’m about ready to give up on the internet.

There was once a time when moving out of the house meant you were a grown adult, capable of leading your own independent life. But thanks to the Facebook Parent, your life has become their wallpaper.

parents-on-facebook3

And why not. They only have three friends total. You, your sister, and that dude Steve that lives down the block. And Steve’s a dick.

The Facebook Parent is the over-intrusive, “Jewish Mother” of the internet. They are invasive and overbearing, but through the help of countless Friendster sites, are able to view your private details with very little snooping around. They used to have to ransack your room for no-nos when you went off to summer camp, but thanks to your stoner buddy, she can now see you holding a joint in your recently tagged pictures.

The Facebook Parent can be found in increasing numbers across the internet — their uncomfortable presence gaining momentum due to Facebook’s exponential “laming” process. You’ll find the FP concentrated largely in suburbia, and generally of the Mom (female) variety. Dad’s will more frequently use their previledge as FP to scour their son/daughter’s Friends for “hot chicks” and reminisce about the days when he used to get pussy.

But all is not lost, young Facebook apprentice. Thankfully, there is still a large facet of Parents that don’t know how to turn on the computer. Pray that your Parent is one of them. And if worst comes to worst, you can do what I did: Declining your Mom’s friend invite. Look Mom, I didn’t want it to have to come down to this, but you forced my hand. We are family, not friends. And I don’t want you writing on any of my walls.
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Also Known As: Myspace Mom, Jewish Mother 2.0, We’re Friends AND Family, Inspector Parent, The Worst Thing Ever, The Facebook Flaw

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Filed under annoying people, family, friends, internet, old people, parents