#51 The Guy-Liner

One small step for Makeup.  One giant leap backwards for Mankind.

One small step for Makeup. One giant leap backwards for Mankind.

The guy in eyeliner has become a sudden hit among heterosexual men mainly because of the social acceptance of other feminine styles, specifically faux-hawks and painted fingernails (thank Carson Daly for that one, folks). Guy-Liner, as he’s commonly labeled, is usually a very typical modern man, equipped with a good education, a full-time job, and some social skills. Unfortunately such qualities are quickly discarded once eyeliner’s applied and the once normal person is a verified piece of shit.

The basic appearance of Guy-Liner is the heavy eye shadow usually correlated solely to prostitutes and battered wives. The eyeliner is then combined with a strange choice of wardrobe, with a heavy focus on the choice of fingerless gloves and a scarf to match (both worn only in summer). Guy-Liner also finds solace in other rebellious, edgy activities, including vampire role-playing and seeing Twilight in theatres despite being old enough to drive and not having any younger siblings.

guyliner-43751The reasons for this choice of make-up have not been fully explained, but one can associate Guy-Liner’s eccentric eye shadow with the popularity of Pete Wentz, Hot Topic, and the 21st century ideal that “it’s OK to be a pussy” (again, see Pete Wentz). Guy-Liner’s real purpose in using this make-up is to tell his female constituents he’s sensitive and artistic while also letting his male counterparts know it’s ok to knock his jaw loose. Guy-Liner differs from the Goth craze of the early 80s and the industrial scene in today’s music, favoring the sounds of Darude’s “Sandstorm” over The Cure.

Guy-Liner can be found in any major city where the social circuits revolve around the underbelly of clubbing, mainly Miami and New York. Guy-Liner loves to stay in the dark, part of his mysterious appearance, but also because he understands how unattractive and pathetic he looks with such make-up on. Please note — users, abusers, and narcs — there’s a high chance of Guy-Liner’s pockets being stuffed with Special K, Ecstasy, and tissues (the latter being a necessity to stop his eye shadow from running every time he cries due to rejection and/or a deserved beat down), so please rush the fool when you see him.

By Scott Glockholder
Also Known As: Eye-Van The Terrible, The Shadow, Ghoulie Groupie, Black Eye Wack Guy, My Chemical Blow-mance, Jared Leto, The Man Makeup



Filed under annoying people, clothes, douche, emo, face, idiot accessories, los angeles, new york city

9 responses to “#51 The Guy-Liner

  1. hahaha! Totally agree. Men in severe identity crisis.

  2. Yeah… I wouldn’t be caught dead in eyeliner.

  3. Elizabeth S.

    Very funny article, and as it turns out there really is, “nothing new under the sun,” welcome back ancient Egypt 🙂

  4. Peter

    Mainly found in Miami & NY? Where’s LA??? I think this town is the birthplace of poor male fashion decisions (Tied with Europe). See 80’s metal hairbands parading down sunset with full makeup. And I don’t think there are many sightings of Wentz or other lame stars in NY. All those Douchebags are in LA.

  5. Kat

    Oh sorry, I just realised, I don’t type like a noob, it’s probably a rule of the site somewhere to actually attempt to use punctuation and correct grammar.

    soz like ill try and fit in like all yew now. OmGz HOW KEWL! LEtz Be BiggoTs!

  6. Kat

    I would much rather get with a guy in eyeliner, who takes care of himself (and is comfy enough with his own sexuality to do so) than some idiot who can’t stand the idea of people being different to them.

    Guyliner is sexy on some guys. Get over it.

  7. Anonymous

    To all the haters, try it, I dare you. It takes balls.

  8. Juliette

    This goes back to a guy caring more about his appearance than he does about you. No thanks. I’ll stick to a guy who doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty.

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