Category Archives: chicks

#64 The Karaoke Superstar

I've never wished for AutoTune.  Except for right now.

I've never wished for AutoTune. Except for right now.

As the saying goes: there’s one in every party. There’s always one person or group intent on ruining a good time. In the past, I’ve seen it in the form of police at a house party, or police at a wedding, or police at a soccer riot, or police at the bar. But at karaoke bars, it’s never police. It’s the Karaoke Superstar– that one person who looks at the beer-stained machine and microphone in the back of the bar as their window of opportunity to get discovered by a record executive.

And why wouldn’t they? It’s common knowledge that all music industry moguls spend their Tuesday nights outside their mansions, in the back booth of a sketchy Irish pub drinking $3 tall boys of Naddy Ice. The Karaoke Superstar truly believes this and uses it as a mantra for what he or she will do on Tuesday night for the rest of his or her life (for the sake of misogyny, let’s use “she” from now on).

Karaoke Superstar is the embodiment of the insecurity associated with the female gender, specifically middle school girls and all aspiring actresses. She believes that by using the esteemed principles of her grade school voice coach, she can impress that one person at Sonny McLean’s Publick Drinking House who has “contacts” to the music biz. While other folks are throwing back pints and belting out their favorite Elvis Presley or Three Dog Night song, Karaoke Superstar is sticking solely to what fits in her range, specifically LeAnn Rimes’ “Can’t Fight the Moonlight.”

For a moment like thisThe Superstar comits their acts of “kareokicide” under the dodgy pretense that she’s a good singer. And maybe she actually is alright. But instead of cutting her chops at a local live venue or at the “Dress Like Susan Boyle Night” in the Rec Center, she finds the Tuesday bar crowd less critical and easier to appease, which isn’t hard considering most of the male bar attendees looking at her imagine the microphone as their penis.

In fact, it’s quite common for K.S. to undergo a minor sexual encounter with a bar fly after he tells her he once worked in the same office as Russell Simmons, a half-truth, in that he mopped the floor 2 hours before Russell walked on it in Fat Farm sneakers. These sexual encounters can become a deadly game for Karaoke Superstar, as she’s bound to have a sore throat or oral herpes for a few weeks, both malaises causing major damage to her social life and her karaoke career (both one in the same).

If you come across Karaoke Superstar, be sure to not buy her a drink and not compliment her until she tries to sing something by Queen. There’s no way she’ll reach Freddie Mercury’s pitch, and it will be fun to see her get down on herself. It’s during this point of low self-esteem you’ll be able to go down on her. Even if she’s not into the whole cunnilingus thing, you’ll sleep nicely knowing she’s probably going to binge and purge tonight due to her un-Mercury-esque rendition of “Fat Bottom Girls”.

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: Fiona Crapple, American Idle, Amateur Hour, Stage Fright, Karaoke Dookie, Karaoke vs. Bukkake: The Showdown, Microphone Fiend, the Middle Child, Chris Snornell

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Filed under annoying people, awful, chicks, entertainment, friends, music

#62 The Flatso

I think she knows the Muffin Man.

I think she knows the Muffin Man.

The Flatso is a rarity in the female gender — a concave specimen swimming in a gelatinous pool of convexity. Truly, Flatsos are a unique bunch, combining the 2 core qualities deemed most unattractive by superficial males: little-to-zero breast surface and a rotund body. Where as most chubby chicks are granted their one golden asset (bulbous titty balls), the Flatso is unfortunately denied such an amenity.

It is worth pausing to clarify: this is not a reference simply to small breasts; these are awesome. It is instead a specific niche who’ve chosen to let themselves grow wild. Still confused? Follow this simple “Rule of Plumb”: If the gut protrudes farther out than the breasts, then those ain’t breasts. That’s Flatso territory. And a man could accomplish the same feat (and many, many men have).

In turn, this lack of boobage forces the Flatso to evolve a very sour, unfriendly attitude towards everyone. How bad an attitude you ask? Ironically, their attitude is equivalent to that of the snobby modeling hoes that most men admire and get chubbies for. Nature is one ironically cruel motherfucker, ain’t it?

Pregnant Man or Flatso?  The world may never know.

Pregnant Man or Flatso? The world may never know.

Similar to the moon, the Fatso can be seen from far away, usually gravitating towards the nearest corndog stand or Carls Jr. They may also be seen standing in line for a nightclub, or later, sitting outside of said nightclub with their shoes off.

Their most visible characteristics would be their infamous belly and A-cups, with the former sticking out much farther than the latter. Typically, an underlining quality of alcoholism may also be present. Her constant consumption of beer coincides with her Yodels appetite, but more importantly, serves as a primitive tool — a modern-day arrowhead — used to spear down potential male mates. If there’s alcohol present, odds are an inebriated soul might get stuck in her gravitational pull, and indulge. The booze also serves as an invisible lube, making it easier for her to straddle herself on top of victim # 5’s penis.

Flatsos are located all over the USA, with a heavy populace (pun intended) in the Midwest, especially Wal-Mart parking lots and Ponderosa buffet lines. If one is to meet a Flatso, try to remain sober throughout your experience with them. If one chooses to drink, it’s recommended that you aim for heenan. You wouldn’t want to leave a night with a Flatso empty handed. Well, on second thought, that’s probably impossible.

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: Lady Lumps, Flattop, The Grand Manyon, DJ Belly Bell, The Gutman, Hefty Flat Bag, Flatbed Dump Truck, Jezabelly, Dick Van Flatton, Flat-Broke-n-Busted, The Drew Carey Chestbump

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Filed under body, boobs, chicks, food, slow

#60 The Sparkle Tits Debutante

Hey Becky, before we hit the club, I just need to stop at Michaels real quick

Hey Becky, before we hit the club, I just need to stop at Michaels real quick

As if jiggling boobs popping out of a shirt wasn’t enough, the Sparkle Tits Debutante (or STD for short) is the chick that goes the extra distance to ensure her funbags get noticed by absolutely everyone in the room. To guarantee this, she’s plastered her melons with a fresh layer of sparkles so thick it would make a stripper have seizures.

Most Sparkle Tit Debutantes are attention-seekers and HAMS. They thrive in bars, clubs, and places where disco balls spin and cocaine is blown. In these locales, STDs will commonly employ “the booby trap” — a deadly trick used to ensnare potential mates on par with that of the Praying Mantis. The trap is initiated by said STD speaking in low volumes, so that when you lean in for a closer listen, her boob-sparkle gets all on your shirt. If this happens, you’ve been “marked”. At this point, you’re best bet is to just give in and start motorboating.

glitter2While some Sparkle Tits may be using the glitter to compensate for their ugly face or larger midsection, it’s important to note that this is only a small percentage of the STD market. Most STDs apply a heavy layers of glitter simply because they crave the attention — many are quite attractive, with supple breasts. But normal attention won’t cut it — for these women are the “Anti-Femme“. They toss aside the normal notion of “eyes up here, Mister”, and replace it with an open invite. Whether your a latino gangbanger with a fresh Chico Stash or just an Average Joe guzzling down a Bud Diesel — feel free to feast your eyes on those shimmering milk balloons. No boob-attention is too much for the STD, and any attention going to other girls in the room brings out what Doctors call “the crazy eyes”.

These traits are obvious warning signs for “nuts” and sluttiness, of course. Actresses, bartenders, and strippers are the most obvious carriers of the STD gene (and also of STDs in general), so know what you are getting yourself into. Sparkle Tit Debutantes can be found in large concentrations in the Los Angeles, Miami, and New York bar scenes, especially during the summer months as this is when they truely shine. Also, an abnormal amount of STDs may be found in Las Vegas, and it’s underachieving counterpart Reno.

It’s also important to note that this Sparkle Tit trait does not exclusively belong to the female gender — males may also possess this STD gene, but in place of Sparkles, use large SUVs and expensive materialist goods. ie – You may see a small bald man driving a huge, shiny Hummer — this is his “sparkle tits”, and it’s most likely compensating for his small genitals.
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Also Known As: Glitter Goblins, The Titty Show, Circus Peanuts, “New York” from Flava of Love, Shinatown, The Booby Trap, Glitter Tats, Community Chest
Related: The Fake Boob, The Drunk Girl Horror Show

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Filed under boobs, chicks, college, idiot accessories