Category Archives: clothes

#61 The Aged Metal Head

I'm gonna rock your flapper dress off!

I'm gonna rock your flapper dress off!

Unlike the sharp cheddar they stink so badly of, the Aged Metal Head is not something that gets better with age. They are as nostalgic as seeing a Native American behind the wheel of a Studebaker; once you witness this rare site you’ll be forced to think of a time when such a thing propagated the American landscape (just like Long John Silver’s). The AMH is from that last bastion of 80s rock, so caught up in his statement from high school that he’ll “forever rock” that he’s forgotten about the social standards that come with growing up — namely the “job” and “not wearing mesh-t-shirts” part.

Key traits of AMH include a receded hairline with the remaining hair shoulder-length, a love for denim vests and black denim jeans, and black wristbands (ironic considering his inactive lifestyle requires absolutely no athletic garb whatsoever). Unfortunately, for all the enthusiasm and innovation behind this get-up, his Sam Ashe sales position doesn’t allow such wardrobe freedom in the workplace.

'Ol Dirty RockerAged Metal Heads are generally white men with ratty upper lips and form-fitting clothing. Fading tattoos of dragons and the usage of ladies spandex are also key. Nonetheless, AMHs see nothing wrong in their out-of-date appearance. Whereas metal gods like Dave Mustaine and James Hetfield have adapted to life with children, wives, and a career, the Aged Metal Head has not (in his defense: he has neither children, a wife, or a career).

The AMH would be someone you’d like to high-five, maybe even jam with, if he wasn’t such a pretentious smarmy employee. They hate this “new” rock ‘n roll, where people don’t have frizzy hair, and are incredibly disheartened by the rising sales of certain consumer purchases, namely Rock Band, Guitar Hero, and turntables. But what they hate even more: when customers practice blues riffs on one of the several Fender Stratocasters they’re trying to pitch on the selling floor. All this adds up into a boiling rage that’s only released during basement guitar sessions when his parents leave the house, or during his drive back to the house, where he has all the time in the world to air drum to Metallica’s “One.”

The Aged Metal Head can be found working at any Sam Ashe or Guitar Center across the nation or in any city that has a steady denim provider. If bored and looking for a fun activity, look for Aged Metal Head and ask him about his “old girlfriend” and why they aren’t together anymore. Unlike the AMH, that story never gets old.

By Scott Glockholder
___________
Also Known As: Lars Ulshit, Heavy Mothball, “To Those About to Age, We Salute You”, Satan’s Class of ’86, Death Gip, Am I Cool Yet?, Queens of the Stone Age, Jon Bon Blow-Me

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under clothes, music, old people, piercing

#51 The Guy-Liner

One small step for Makeup.  One giant leap backwards for Mankind.

One small step for Makeup. One giant leap backwards for Mankind.

The guy in eyeliner has become a sudden hit among heterosexual men mainly because of the social acceptance of other feminine styles, specifically faux-hawks and painted fingernails (thank Carson Daly for that one, folks). Guy-Liner, as he’s commonly labeled, is usually a very typical modern man, equipped with a good education, a full-time job, and some social skills. Unfortunately such qualities are quickly discarded once eyeliner’s applied and the once normal person is a verified piece of shit.

The basic appearance of Guy-Liner is the heavy eye shadow usually correlated solely to prostitutes and battered wives. The eyeliner is then combined with a strange choice of wardrobe, with a heavy focus on the choice of fingerless gloves and a scarf to match (both worn only in summer). Guy-Liner also finds solace in other rebellious, edgy activities, including vampire role-playing and seeing Twilight in theatres despite being old enough to drive and not having any younger siblings.

guyliner-43751The reasons for this choice of make-up have not been fully explained, but one can associate Guy-Liner’s eccentric eye shadow with the popularity of Pete Wentz, Hot Topic, and the 21st century ideal that “it’s OK to be a pussy” (again, see Pete Wentz). Guy-Liner’s real purpose in using this make-up is to tell his female constituents he’s sensitive and artistic while also letting his male counterparts know it’s ok to knock his jaw loose. Guy-Liner differs from the Goth craze of the early 80s and the industrial scene in today’s music, favoring the sounds of Darude’s “Sandstorm” over The Cure.

Guy-Liner can be found in any major city where the social circuits revolve around the underbelly of clubbing, mainly Miami and New York. Guy-Liner loves to stay in the dark, part of his mysterious appearance, but also because he understands how unattractive and pathetic he looks with such make-up on. Please note — users, abusers, and narcs — there’s a high chance of Guy-Liner’s pockets being stuffed with Special K, Ecstasy, and tissues (the latter being a necessity to stop his eye shadow from running every time he cries due to rejection and/or a deserved beat down), so please rush the fool when you see him.

By Scott Glockholder
_______________
Also Known As: Eye-Van The Terrible, The Shadow, Ghoulie Groupie, Black Eye Wack Guy, My Chemical Blow-mance, Jared Leto, The Man Makeup

9 Comments

Filed under annoying people, clothes, douche, emo, face, idiot accessories, los angeles, new york city

#48 The Chubby Guy w/ Shorts in the Winter

Shorts in snow!  What a rebel!!

Shorts in Snow! What a rebel!!

The Fat Guy Who Wears Shorts in the Winter, he’s been seen by almost everyone and almost everyone’s glad they aren’t him when they see him. Of course, I refer to the portly gentleman who thinks he’s braving a whole new world by wearing shorts (mesh, cargo, or tropical) in January. The air remains frigid and the grass remains rock hard, but the cankles get displayed for the next 2 months.

Rationality, logic, common sense—a chubby man in shorts in the dead of winter retains none of these things. Instead, chubby dude in shorts ironically pursues a more image-driven lifestyle, hoping that he’ll turn some female heads in his direction for his daring use of choice bottoms, rather than his typical trademark: barbecue sauce on his cheeks despite it being 9am.

Chubby Dude in Shorts wants to get noticed for his courageous choice of clothing rather than getting noticed for sweating while reading. But by no means should one direct any sympathy his way. Chubby guy has friends and he’s popular in certain social circles, but his over-zealous attitude requires him to make his mark in the winter. He needs to be seen and needs to brag to everyone that despite his backwards hat, he’s an original breed of man, hence, the shorts.

chubbyshortsinwinter2Unfortunately Chubby Dude in Shorts in the Dead of Winter needs to realize that once he wears these shorts, he’s forced to wear them any time the temperature is exactly the same or warmer than that particular day when he first wore them. Failure to do so results in finger pointing followed by the word “fag” repeated by all passer-bys.

Chubby Guy can be found on all US college campuses, or wherever there are cold days and high unemployment rates for soft Caucasians; and by that I mean Cincinnati. The Chubby Dude in Shorts in the Dead of Winter is only recognized in this one season. But even if you do not see him in the distance, chubby dude can be heard within earshot due to his infatuation with public acoustic guitar playing. On campuses, the chubby gip will play a guitar in the quad but will pertain his musical playlist to Dave Matthews Band and acoustic covers of popular hip-hop anthems (Gin and Juice and Boyz In Da Hood come to mind). Other specific attributes of this chubby guy in shorts include tardiness and scholastic failure.

By Scott Glockholder
___________
Also Known As: Martin Shorts, Cold Yet Bold, Cool as Ice…Cream, Winter Weezer, Cold Blooded with Cankles, The Sweaty Guy From Microbiology 112.

5 Comments

Filed under clothes, college, douche, fat, idiot accessories

#47 The Hipster

It's Hip to be Square

It's Hip to be Square

Lead by an army of tight jeans, thick-rimmed glasses, fedoras, and scarves, the Hipster has a seemingly singular goal: don’t conform to what pop culture tells you is “cool”. Wear whatever you want. As long as it conforms to what other Hipsters tell you is cool.

Such is the dichotomy of Hipster culture. They are the uber-cool rebellion, the retro-hip stylistas of Generation X…but that “I don’t care” look takes careful, deliberate planning. They have to find ripped jeans and a black top hat to match their vintage Clash t-shirt. And that hand-woven scarf from Chelsea needs to match those patched-up denim jeans they bought from a boutique last week.

But don’t let their frail body structure fool you, the Hipster Nation is a force to be reckoned with. Popularity among white, wealthy, suburban twenty-somethings has nearly tripled in the last five years, leading to an increase in book clubs, “ironic” mustaches, and mop-top haircuts. Sales of Parliament Cigarettes and old school Chuck Taylors have seen similar spikes, all thanks to being “Hipster essentials”.

Hipsters use the sarcasm they garnered during their early 90s youth, but combine that with an irony they feel is synonymous with their culture. In other words, they’re so ironically sarcastic that they’re actually making a completely normal statement, they just roll their eyes when doing it.

Blue collar is so hip!

Blue collar is so hip!

They are self loathers. Despite their detest for “frat guys”, Hipsters love cheap beers (prime choices being Schafer and Pabst Blue Ribbon). They also prefer to shop at thrift stores and find inexpensive clothing. They hate designer clothes, yet are perfectly content with having their parents pay for their brownstone.

Key Hipster traits:

– Hipsters are ultra-PC, to the point that it’s politically incorrect to use the term “PC.”
– Hipsters think it’s cool that strangers can’t pinpoint their sexual orientation.
– Hipsters sweat low-fidelity rock music and any bands that doesn’t have more than 40 people in the crowd. The minute the band sells out a show at “Spaceland” in LA or “The Warsaw” in brooklyn, hipsters find the band completely shitty.
– Hipsters love ten speed bikes.
– Hipsters love V-neck t-shirts and poorly designed tattoos.
– Hipsters can’t dance but hide this lack of talent through frowns & tilted heads.
– Hipsters are content with being mugged. it doesn’t bother them ’cause it’s not their money (it’s daddy’s loot).

You’ll find the Hipster predominantly “chilling” in metropolitan areas. Namely, New York City and Los Angeles, with large pockets concentrated in Brooklyn and Los Feliz (respectively). You may notice the Hipster bumming a smoke outside cofee shops, at Costco buying bulk packs of plain white t-shirts, or if you’re a girl, borrowing your jeans.
_______
Also Known As: It’s Hip To Be Square, Dora the Fedora, Hipster Nation, That Dude With A Scarf, Too Cool For School, The New Emo
Related: The Metrosexual, The Emo Kid

5 Comments

Filed under annoying people, clothes, emo, haircuts, idiot accessories, los angeles, new york city, trendy

#41 The Metrosexual

We're 51% straight!

We're 51% straight!

If it’s cool to be gay, than this guy is balls-deep in an ass. And if being gay is uncool, than this guy is still balls deep, but he’ll be blasting the latest Akon mashup and feigning heterosexuality. This is the confused dichotomy of the Metrosexual — dress like a gay person to score chicks.

The Metrosexual is the Clark Kent of the gay world, able to walk on the straight side then run into a telephone booth and come out with a feather boa. They want to be gay so badly that they’re willing to put on the full costume and shake their tailfeather. But if you’re a gay guy, don’t you even LOOK at them. Because they’ll make you a knuckle sandwich with extra man-meat.

It’s ironic, however, that while the Metrosexual embraces gay fashion and stylings, they are perhaps the most “homophobic” people on earth. Notice the quotation marks I put around that word. It’s common knowledge that many such metrosexuals will outwardly hate, but on the inside, be as gay as Clay Aiken. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

If there’s a 2-for-1 deal on waxing, they’ll get their chest and their taint waxed. If there’s a sale at Barney’s, they’ll be waiting outside the door with a $5000 credit limit. And if there’s a new trendy club, they’ll be there with greased hair and a collared shirt.

The Metrosexual lives a fabulous life, with a peppering of douchiness mixed in. So how do you tell a metro from a gay person? It’s a tough distinction, and one I don’t really care about making.

What’s particularly interesting is that while the Metrosexual philosophy is aimed at pleasing women, they are often the butt of the joke on both sides of the fence. Straight men dislike Metros, Gay men dislike Metros, and most women scoff at Metros. So that pretty much means that only Metrosexuals like other Metrosexuals. Again, man on man.

You can largely find Metrosexuals concentrated in New York City and areas of Long Island/New Jersey. They love clubbing, rap music where the vocals are robotized, and being inside another man (not in a gay way). Hobbies include: Frosting their tips, buying stripped shirts, Madonna (especially her new stuff), scarves, and reading GQ, both online and in print.
____________
Also Known As: Metro, Gay For Play, The Bare-Chested Stripped-Shirt Guy, The Confused Clubber, Ball Street, The Fabulous Homophobe

8 Comments

Filed under body, clothes, douche, friends, guidos, idiot accessories, long island, new jersey, new york city, rich people

#40 The Sticker-on-Hat Guy


Nothing says “fresh” like a circular hologram sticker. And for the Sticker-on-Hat Guy, this is life. It’s his “Born On” date. And even the thought of removing that sticker causes a salty discharge from his tear duct.

The most important thing to know about the Hat Sticker Guy is this: the thing on his head is not just a hat, it’s a shrine. Like comic book nerds collecting first prints, or a cokehead trying to spread out his last 8-ball, the keyword is preservation. They need to keep that hat as new and untouched as the day they bought [or stole] it. So help them god.

That means the brim needs to be perfectly straight. The sticker needs to remain as it was on display — shiny, unblemished, and visible. And they when they wear the hat, it must barely even touch their head. Preferably, it will be hovering, cocked off to the side, and backwards.

Obviously, the next normal question is “why?” I mean, would you keep an XL sticker on your new pair of jeans or the wrapper on your condom? The answer, I imagine, is no. And why buy a hat if you’re going to be concerned about it’s safety and wellbeing? Why not just have a child instead?

But for the Sticker-On-Hat Guy, reason is not important. They don’t do it because they like it, they do it because they think other people will think it’s cool. They are your run-of-the-mill posers and copycats — the same people that bought Parachute Pants when MC Hammer hit it big.

Boyz 2 HatWhile the SOH is gaining large ground in the white, wigger community, it’s important to note that this style was introduced a long time ago by African Americans. Perhaps it’s first visible variance can be seen on the hat of Mike Bivins in Boyz II Men’s cross-platform hit “Motown Philly“.

It’s no sticker, but his signature “clothespin and price tag” look trail-blazed the way for all kinds of on-hat accessories.

Like baggy pants and rap music, this is one of the latest trends that white people have stolen from the black community and made douchey. Those largely responsible are the uber-white, New Jersey-style posers that rock a flat-brimmed Yankees or Mets hat.

If you know a Sticker-on-Hat Guy, there’s two ways to handle the situation: 1) Silently remove the sticker when they go to gel their hair into a blowout, or preferably, 2) Take his pristine hat and return it to the store for a full refund. Then use the money to buy yourself a 12 pack of Bud Diesel and #1 combo at Chick-Fil-A.
________
Also Known As: The Hat Sticker Whore, On-Display Douchery, Dr. Seuss, It’s Cool To Keep The Tags On, Sticker Stanley, The White Bread Hat, Poppa Cap

2 Comments

Filed under clothes, douche, friends, guidos, idiot accessories, IdiotPantsParty, long island, los angeles, new jersey, sports

#36 The Sweater Over Shoulders Herb

I'm sitting on a rubber fist!

I'm sitting on a rubber fist!

In the world of rich yacht-dwelling dipshits, their is one pastel pole-jockey that reigns supreme. This is the Sweater Over Shoulders Herb (or SOSH, for those that’d like to call them it to their face). It takes a bold man to drape a pink sweater over his shoulder like a 1970s country club grandmother. But the SOSH is a bold bunch. So bold, in fact, they often play all-male Twister nude with a bag of Chex Mix Bold Party Blend.

You may be confused at first. Is there a draft in the room? Maybe he’s got a birthmark on his neck he’s ashamed of? Maybe his shoulders are prone to frostbite?

But I assure you, there’s no birthmark, and there’s no draft (well, except for the one that keeps blowing douchebags onto Long Island). There’s just a goober with no fashion sense and a penchant for soft tones.

The sweater is a decoration. Like stripes on an General’s uniform, the SOSH displays his arrogance and wealth by shoulder-sweaters. Just as a rich housewife wears a pearl necklace, the SOSH will adorn themselves with a knitted honor. Polos, business suits, pajamas — as long as there’s a shoulder, the SOSH will hang a sweater on it. In rare instances, you may see three or four sweaters stacked on top of a SOSH’s shoulders. This is known as Accelerated Sweater Syndrome, or abbreviated, being an ASS.

You can find the SOSH in and around the Hamptons, Greenwich, and other areas with old money and no minorities. The will most likely be drinking a Wine Spritzer, feigning heterosexuality, and talking about their new BMW 3 Series convertible: “So I told the Dealership: ‘You want my business, you get me a light pink coupe.'”

When you see a Sweater Over Shoulders Herb, you’re first reaction should be to fake a smile and give the SOSH a huge “nice sweater” thumbs up. In a few minutes, bring your conversation closer to the SOSH, take a lighter out, and subtly light his sweater on fire. This is called “Hot Sweater”. Stand back a few paces, give him that huge thumbs up, and say “Hot Sweater, man!”
__________
Also Known As: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Shoulder Sweaters 3, Country Club Cowboys, The Long Island Birthmark, Herbalicious, Pish Posh SOSH, The Red Badge of Gayness

5 Comments

Filed under awful, beach, clothes, douche, idiot accessories, long island, parents, rich people