Category Archives: college

#60 The Sparkle Tits Debutante

Hey Becky, before we hit the club, I just need to stop at Michaels real quick

Hey Becky, before we hit the club, I just need to stop at Michaels real quick

As if jiggling boobs popping out of a shirt wasn’t enough, the Sparkle Tits Debutante (or STD for short) is the chick that goes the extra distance to ensure her funbags get noticed by absolutely everyone in the room. To guarantee this, she’s plastered her melons with a fresh layer of sparkles so thick it would make a stripper have seizures.

Most Sparkle Tit Debutantes are attention-seekers and HAMS. They thrive in bars, clubs, and places where disco balls spin and cocaine is blown. In these locales, STDs will commonly employ “the booby trap” — a deadly trick used to ensnare potential mates on par with that of the Praying Mantis. The trap is initiated by said STD speaking in low volumes, so that when you lean in for a closer listen, her boob-sparkle gets all on your shirt. If this happens, you’ve been “marked”. At this point, you’re best bet is to just give in and start motorboating.

glitter2While some Sparkle Tits may be using the glitter to compensate for their ugly face or larger midsection, it’s important to note that this is only a small percentage of the STD market. Most STDs apply a heavy layers of glitter simply because they crave the attention — many are quite attractive, with supple breasts. But normal attention won’t cut it — for these women are the “Anti-Femme“. They toss aside the normal notion of “eyes up here, Mister”, and replace it with an open invite. Whether your a latino gangbanger with a fresh Chico Stash or just an Average Joe guzzling down a Bud Diesel — feel free to feast your eyes on those shimmering milk balloons. No boob-attention is too much for the STD, and any attention going to other girls in the room brings out what Doctors call “the crazy eyes”.

These traits are obvious warning signs for “nuts” and sluttiness, of course. Actresses, bartenders, and strippers are the most obvious carriers of the STD gene (and also of STDs in general), so know what you are getting yourself into. Sparkle Tit Debutantes can be found in large concentrations in the Los Angeles, Miami, and New York bar scenes, especially during the summer months as this is when they truely shine. Also, an abnormal amount of STDs may be found in Las Vegas, and it’s underachieving counterpart Reno.

It’s also important to note that this Sparkle Tit trait does not exclusively belong to the female gender — males may also possess this STD gene, but in place of Sparkles, use large SUVs and expensive materialist goods. ie – You may see a small bald man driving a huge, shiny Hummer — this is his “sparkle tits”, and it’s most likely compensating for his small genitals.
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Also Known As: Glitter Goblins, The Titty Show, Circus Peanuts, “New York” from Flava of Love, Shinatown, The Booby Trap, Glitter Tats, Community Chest
Related: The Fake Boob, The Drunk Girl Horror Show

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Filed under boobs, chicks, college, idiot accessories

#59 The Laptop Pooper

The Laptop Pooper:  Taking Multitasking Too Far

The Laptop Pooper: Taking Multitasking Too Far

It’s a sad day for technology when that 30 Megahurtz processor is working double duty to rapidly refresh “WWTDD“, while simultaneously attempting to stream the latest “Akon” song, all while you’re taking a sizable BM. But to the Laptop Pooper, this is a twice daily routine. Sometimes three, if today was Bran Flake Tuesday.

A more modern, recent addition to the Idiot Pants Party, the Laptop Pooper has streaked their way onto the scene within the last four years, breaking new ground with the invention of WiFi. These wireless technologies have given the LP virtual free reign, and upon their porcelain throne, they intend to be entertained.

For the Laptop Pooper, there is no line to cross — no line between what’s acceptable computer behavior and what’s just weird. Taking a shit with their computer propped precariously on top of their thighs — mere inches away from defecation — does not raise any red flags. They like that heat on their thighs, they need it.

Laptop LoggerLaptop Poopers tend to be younger males with excessive free time at work — worker bees who thusly experience a numbing exposure to the internet and various FAIL blogs. They tend to rely on these virtual sources to pass all waking moments of free time. And that 10-15 minutes in the Power Dome is no different.

Don’t even try to give them something “printed” to read, that shit is for old people. The laptop is king. “The Laptop Pooper Creed”, translated from Latin, states it quite plainly: It’s thine laptop, and they shalt poop if they want to. Sure, their motto is a rip off of Lesley Gore’s iconic song, but who the fuck is that?

Yet, perhaps the most disturbing aspect of LP’s habits is what’s know by scientists as “Fecal Fallout”, or unseen residue from said bathroom experiences that are unbeknownst to fellow computer users. This is quite similar to a nuclear reaction. That laptop you borrow to look up Google Maps may have been in the shitter only moments ago, and now your fingers will smell like chocolate.

If you’re confused, that’s a good thing. I personally follow the philosophy that if you’re not bringing it in there to whack off, then give it a rest. But be warned, it’s difficult to spot a Laptop Pooper unless you are close friends and/or roommates with them, as this tends to be a very personal pasttime.
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Also Known As: Partners in Porcelain, Poo Crew, The Computer Crapper, Dr. Doody, Crapping With My CPU, The Laptop Logger

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Filed under college, entertainment, friends, idiot accessories, internet, stink, wtf?

#58 The Middle-Finger Photo F***

Facebook!

Facebook!


The Middle-Finger Photo Fuck (guy or girl) is a recent phenomenon in the age of the worldwide web. In essence, MFPF revolves around a simple gesture from a simple person. Their purpose? To show off their eminence, mainly as a mindless human void, through a photograph pose consisting of a middle finger directed toward the lens. They are an entity of American culture hell bent on displaying their 10th grade angst and rebellious attitude. But it’s understandable; it’s tough out there when you’re only given 43-minutes for lunch.

“Yo, Joey!  Fuck you, Joey!”

“Yo, Joey! Fuck you, Joey!”

Even if it’s just a friendly pic, the MFPF feels the need to claim their territory, and they do so via “menacing” finger-threat. The perfect part of this non-verbal assualt is it’s relative easiness to impose on strangers, no matter how fast or slow their bandwidth is. All it requires is a simple camera, a middle finger from either hand, and if they’re experienced, an arching of the neck backward so as to puff out the chest. That’s it. Follow those steps, and you’ve got what physiologists call the body language of a “major league prick”. The mentality behind this pose lies in a massive insecurity on par with the likes of carrying a concealed weapon while visiting an amusement park or having tribal band tattoos.

You might at first feel inclined to give Middle Finger Guy the benefit of the doubt. Hey, maybe he’s having a bad day or something, right? Sure, maybe. But know this: you give them a finger, and they’ll take 10. And all your hair gel.

MFPFs come in all ages, races, genders, and religions, but nonetheless they should be treated like second-class citizens. They are always behind in the times, hence why they emulate the actions of a white rapper with bleached blonde hair from 6 years ago. Despite their tardiness with trends, middle-finger folk are found in both ass-backwards states and pretentious, smarmy states, not because they live there but because their profiles float all over cyberspace.

MFPFs love to display their gruff attitude to all those living in virtual reality. This way, they get to tell everyone, from your nosey next-door neighbor to the clueless Indonesian field peasant with 25 minutes of community internet time, “Hey, you can’t fuck with me. I don’t even know you, but now you know ME, motherf***er.”

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: Slim Shitty, The Middle Finger Child Syndrome, Fuck You Jobu, Handyman, Tough and Gruff at 15, Bird Flipper Whipper Snapper, Study Hall Brawler

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Filed under annoying people, college, douche, friends, internet, technology

#56 The Drunk Girl Horror Show

She just needs someone to talk to.

She just needs someone to talk to.

Wow, this chick’s kinda hot. She says she’s Jill’s best friend from college…huh, I wonder why I’ve never met her before? Damn, she’s chugging that vodka like a champ!! Wait, she keeps giving me that firey-eyed look…What the hell is that? Maybe she likes me?? Maybe I’m gonna score!!!

And thats when you realize that you’ve unwittingly just been invited to the Drunk Girl Horror Show. Cancel any plans you had, and tuck those horny dreams away for the night, because all you’re getting is an earful of shitty stories, and a face-full of tears.

Have a few drinks with her, and you’ll soon find out everything. Everything. Stuff you didn’t want to know, and stuff you shouldn’t know. Keep an ear out for her endless stories about her ex-boyfriend, her terrible fight with anorexia, and if you’re lucky, you might even get the “I was raped” roller-coaster ride. Oh, you just wanted to have a chill night? Well, fuck that — you’re getting a rape story, and you better fucking be there to support her.

Drunk Girl Horror 2Forget the fact that you don’t even know her. She’s all yours tonight. In fact, be ready to be her shoulder to cry on, as well as the shoulder to put her miserable weight on all night. Be warned, after midnight, she surrenders the use of her legs, and will need to be carried around. And if you’re lucky, she’ll cap the night off with a fresh vomit on your couch. It’s a lot of fun, especially since you just met her four hours ago.

You can find the Drunk Girl Horror Show at any bar, club, or place where alcohol is served without a psychiatric test. However, you should be particularly wary of the “friend of a friend”. If you’ve never met her before, there’s probably a good reason why. Other girls can’t stand DGHS either, and will typically only hang out with them when the Horror Show is particularly needy and “just wants a girls night”. This is a horrible situation to be involved in.

But there are warning signs. Typically, the DGHS will begins with stories of her Ex-Boyfriend or will chug massive quantities of alcohol in disproportionate time. If you say, “Wow, how did she drink all that??”, get out as quickly as you can. The show has already begun…
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Also Known As: Beer Tears, The Drunk Succubus, I Thought You Said “Ape”, Close Talker, Buzz Killington, I’ll Never Drink Again

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Filed under annoying people, awful, booze, college, friends

#48 The Chubby Guy w/ Shorts in the Winter

Shorts in snow!  What a rebel!!

Shorts in Snow! What a rebel!!

The Fat Guy Who Wears Shorts in the Winter, he’s been seen by almost everyone and almost everyone’s glad they aren’t him when they see him. Of course, I refer to the portly gentleman who thinks he’s braving a whole new world by wearing shorts (mesh, cargo, or tropical) in January. The air remains frigid and the grass remains rock hard, but the cankles get displayed for the next 2 months.

Rationality, logic, common sense—a chubby man in shorts in the dead of winter retains none of these things. Instead, chubby dude in shorts ironically pursues a more image-driven lifestyle, hoping that he’ll turn some female heads in his direction for his daring use of choice bottoms, rather than his typical trademark: barbecue sauce on his cheeks despite it being 9am.

Chubby Dude in Shorts wants to get noticed for his courageous choice of clothing rather than getting noticed for sweating while reading. But by no means should one direct any sympathy his way. Chubby guy has friends and he’s popular in certain social circles, but his over-zealous attitude requires him to make his mark in the winter. He needs to be seen and needs to brag to everyone that despite his backwards hat, he’s an original breed of man, hence, the shorts.

chubbyshortsinwinter2Unfortunately Chubby Dude in Shorts in the Dead of Winter needs to realize that once he wears these shorts, he’s forced to wear them any time the temperature is exactly the same or warmer than that particular day when he first wore them. Failure to do so results in finger pointing followed by the word “fag” repeated by all passer-bys.

Chubby Guy can be found on all US college campuses, or wherever there are cold days and high unemployment rates for soft Caucasians; and by that I mean Cincinnati. The Chubby Dude in Shorts in the Dead of Winter is only recognized in this one season. But even if you do not see him in the distance, chubby dude can be heard within earshot due to his infatuation with public acoustic guitar playing. On campuses, the chubby gip will play a guitar in the quad but will pertain his musical playlist to Dave Matthews Band and acoustic covers of popular hip-hop anthems (Gin and Juice and Boyz In Da Hood come to mind). Other specific attributes of this chubby guy in shorts include tardiness and scholastic failure.

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: Martin Shorts, Cold Yet Bold, Cool as Ice…Cream, Winter Weezer, Cold Blooded with Cankles, The Sweaty Guy From Microbiology 112.

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Filed under clothes, college, douche, fat, idiot accessories