Category Archives: food

#62 The Flatso

I think she knows the Muffin Man.

I think she knows the Muffin Man.

The Flatso is a rarity in the female gender — a concave specimen swimming in a gelatinous pool of convexity. Truly, Flatsos are a unique bunch, combining the 2 core qualities deemed most unattractive by superficial males: little-to-zero breast surface and a rotund body. Where as most chubby chicks are granted their one golden asset (bulbous titty balls), the Flatso is unfortunately denied such an amenity.

It is worth pausing to clarify: this is not a reference simply to small breasts; these are awesome. It is instead a specific niche who’ve chosen to let themselves grow wild. Still confused? Follow this simple “Rule of Plumb”: If the gut protrudes farther out than the breasts, then those ain’t breasts. That’s Flatso territory. And a man could accomplish the same feat (and many, many men have).

In turn, this lack of boobage forces the Flatso to evolve a very sour, unfriendly attitude towards everyone. How bad an attitude you ask? Ironically, their attitude is equivalent to that of the snobby modeling hoes that most men admire and get chubbies for. Nature is one ironically cruel motherfucker, ain’t it?

Pregnant Man or Flatso?  The world may never know.

Pregnant Man or Flatso? The world may never know.

Similar to the moon, the Fatso can be seen from far away, usually gravitating towards the nearest corndog stand or Carls Jr. They may also be seen standing in line for a nightclub, or later, sitting outside of said nightclub with their shoes off.

Their most visible characteristics would be their infamous belly and A-cups, with the former sticking out much farther than the latter. Typically, an underlining quality of alcoholism may also be present. Her constant consumption of beer coincides with her Yodels appetite, but more importantly, serves as a primitive tool — a modern-day arrowhead — used to spear down potential male mates. If there’s alcohol present, odds are an inebriated soul might get stuck in her gravitational pull, and indulge. The booze also serves as an invisible lube, making it easier for her to straddle herself on top of victim # 5’s penis.

Flatsos are located all over the USA, with a heavy populace (pun intended) in the Midwest, especially Wal-Mart parking lots and Ponderosa buffet lines. If one is to meet a Flatso, try to remain sober throughout your experience with them. If one chooses to drink, it’s recommended that you aim for heenan. You wouldn’t want to leave a night with a Flatso empty handed. Well, on second thought, that’s probably impossible.

By Scott Glockholder
Also Known As: Lady Lumps, Flattop, The Grand Manyon, DJ Belly Bell, The Gutman, Hefty Flat Bag, Flatbed Dump Truck, Jezabelly, Dick Van Flatton, Flat-Broke-n-Busted, The Drew Carey Chestbump



Filed under body, boobs, chicks, food, slow

#46 The Empty Brita Jerk

If the nachos are stuck together, that's one nacho.

I thought you liked it empty.

One step below “The Guy That Steps In Dog Shit And Drags It Into Your Apartment” sits The Empty Brita Jerk. And they’re silently waiting to steal that last precious sip of decency.

Perhaps one of the most universally despised members of the Idiot Pants Party, the Brita Jerk follows one self-functioning rule: put the Brita jug back in the fridge immediately after use, without exception. Even if the only thing left in it is those little black pebbles floating on the bottom, they will put it back on that shelf as quickly as a fat person restocking their Twinkie supply.

Sure it’s “rude”, but that’s not really an accurate description of the Brita Jerk (or simply, the BJ). I would call it more of a “dick move”. But don’t fear, the BJ is no stranger to pulling a quick dick move. They run in the same school of thought as people that double dip chips, put expired milk back in the fridge, and bum your last cigarette. It’s not that they don’t get the rules, they just don’t give a shit.

empty britaPerhaps the most notable characteristic of the BJ is their illusiveness. You may leave your living room for only a few minutes and return to find an empty canteen and no leads. And that’s because the BJ could be anyone. A friend, family member, roommate, guest — hell, anyone too lazy to walk two feet to the sink and wait 30 seconds to fill it up could be the culprit. (The Stoner is a notorious BJ).

Frequently, the BJ will be a male in their late teens to early 30s, and unmarried. This is not to say that married people are BJ-free, but lets just say, it’s much less frequent. Just like their sex lives. A new study conducted by The Anti-Brita Jerk Association found that people from New Jersey are ten times less likely to fill up the Brita — a fact credited to their lethargic reliance on having their gas pumped for them.

If you do indeed catch a BJ in the act, your best bet would be to enact a “Fridge Ban”, whereas they are officially uninvited to partake in any and everything that comes or goes into said fridge (including beer). After enacting such a ban, you will find that your cupeth doth overflow.
Also Known As: The Brita Bandit, Empty Stockings, The No Refill Friend, JD McNugent, I Don’t Fill, “If The Nachos Are Stuck Together, That’s One Nacho”, The Canteen Culprit


Filed under annoying people, food, friends, new jersey

#19 The Shisitor

There\'s a party in his pants
There’s nothing like a good friend.  Especially one that comes over and treats your apartment like a truck stop on the Interstate.  With a harmless “Where’s your bathroom?”, the Shisitor transforms from house guest to porcelain-pounding dump-fest. 

Sure, they brought over a six-pack of Bud Diesel, but their real gift to you is that unmistakable mix of Citrus Air Freshener and baby shit hovering in the air.  Who are they kidding with that?  We all can still smell the shit.  

But that is exactly what they want — to mark their territory. They’ve heard the expression “dump out before you go out”, and frankly, they don’t like it. They wipe their ass with that expression. Some are even so bold as to brag after they desecrate your personal space:

“You may want to give that a minute”,  “Ho Hoo!  That was a loose one!”, or “Do you have a plunger?”

Excuse Me, Where\'s your bathroom?Thus is the creedo of the Shititor.  Treat every place you visit like you were a vagrant at McDonalds.  Hold nothing back.  After all, you are a guest and you should make yourself at home.  Hell, clog a couple toilets while your at it.

You may find it hard to approach the Shisitor, as there’s nothing more awkward than initiating the “I’d appreciate it if you could unload that somewhere else” conversation. It’s just like having the “wrap your pecker in a rubber” talk with your kids — only more upsetting because, unlike your kids, you don’t care about this dude.

The Shisitor will almost always be a guy, typically with an alpha-male complex.  Less frequently, they suffer from IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome).  They will often come to your parties or BBQs under the guise of freindship, hanging out for hours before treating your toilet bowl like Hiroshima.

If this person is truly a good friend, you can seek revenge by going to their apartment and raising the stakes — by Upper Deckering their toilet.  

Who’s the Shistor now?
Also Known As: The “Shit In Your House” Guy, The Port-O-Pal, That Guy, The Smellers‘ Cousin, The Girl Disperser, The Air Toxicator, The BYOStench Dude


Filed under awful, douche, food, friends, IdiotPantsParty, stink

#13 The Sushi Snob

You can eat it, but never enjoy it
There’s nothing like dropping $140 on dinner, only to be told “there’s a better place by my house”.  Much like the raw fish they so fervently protect, the Sushi Snob is a smelly, arrogant vagina that may make you sick to your stomach.

They are an unwanted conosuerre of the dining world, a pompous and brutally-picky purveyor of all things sushi.  You may have thought you were just going out to dinner, but no — you are actually being judged. Every bite of spicy tuna brings with it the guilt and judgement of a Jewish mother.  Sure it tastes good, but it could be so much better.

I\'m a douchebag!The Sushi Snob feeds off of their own self-importance. They need to be the only person in the know. And they won’t be outdone.

First, they’ll ask if you’ve heard of “their” sushi restaurant. Then, they’ll roll their eyes and say “oh, of course you haven’t”. This is key. They will always try to make you feel ignorant and useless. Forget the fact that “their place” is an out-of-the way, hole-in-the-wall spot that no one has ever been to. You’re an uncultured dick for not knowing about it.

Eating with the Sushi Snob is one of the most unpleasant experiences known to man. If they’re not smugly pushing around their sushi with chopsticks, they’re talking about how there’s “too many white people at this place”. It’s very important to them to not eat sushi around Caucasians. It cheapens the experience.

If you are unlucky enough to go with the Sushi Snob to “their” spot, be prepared to answer all of these questions:

“Isn’t this just amazing?!”
“Oh, mmmm! Isn’t this like god wrapped in rice?”
“Wow. How much better is this than that place you took me to?”

You can find the Sushi Snob concentrated in New York City and Los Angeles — the more disposable income, the bigger their snobbery. The Sushi Snob will more than likely be the whitest person you know. If you suspect you friend or coworker is a sushi snob, and they want to go out to eat, suggest another food. Eating sushi with them is like shitting in your laundry basket. You know it’s stupid, so why would you do it?
Also Known As: Whitey McSnobshi, The Riceroll Nazi, The “You Are What You Eat” Shiteater, The Chopstick C*nt, The Fish Fuhrer, Dining With Satan


Filed under awful, food, IdiotPantsParty, parents, rich people, work