Category Archives: IdiotPantsParty

#44 The Chinese Symbol Tattoo

Round Eye

What They Think It Means: True Love. What It Actually Means: Stupid Round Eye

The Chinese Symbol Tattoo is the quintessential go-to tattoo of the 21st century. It’s immediately deep, incredibly profound. Not because you read somewhere that it means “honor”, but because everyone of your friends doesn’t understand what it means.

For the Chinese Symbol Tattoo (CST), that little doodle on their arm is proof that they are, in fact, better and smarter than you. They’re intellectual, world-class people. And just because they don’t understand something, doesn’t mean that they won’t get a tattoo of it. Because they will. They’ll get a whole freakin’ row of tattoos.

And really…what’s cooler than branding yourself with something that — five beers ago — meant absolutely nothing to you. Don’t you see how insightful it is? It’s like embracing other cultures, without the hassle of actually learning or doing anything.

Now, it’s important to note that this article is specifically talking about Caucasians, not Asians — the hamburger-eating Round Eyes that entrust Cleedus down at Lucky Tattoo to ink them up in Mandarin. These are the same people that think Outback Steakhouse is a good place to experience Australia, and order Dominos when they feel like eating Italian.

While they are in the same family as the Barbed-Wire Arm Tattoo and the Tattoo Freak, the CST is by far the most powerful of the needle-based junkies. They’ve tapped into that rare fringe market — male and female twenty-somethings that want a cool tattoo, but don’t have anything in mind. So they settle for one that means something to someone else.

So then, why do it? The answer is simple. The CST loves the fact that you have to ask them what it means. It practically pays for itself in ego stroking!

And really, what’s cooler than a permanent reminder that you don’t speak Chinese? If you happen to come across a Chinese Symbol tattoo (which you undoubtably will), give them a little scare. Tell them you speak Mandarin, and that their tattoo actually means “a whale’s vagina”.
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Also Known As: Lost in Translation, The Chinese Star, It Means “Douche”, The Cultural Tat, Bing Bing Herro Prease, The Poo Poo Platter

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#40 The Sticker-on-Hat Guy


Nothing says “fresh” like a circular hologram sticker. And for the Sticker-on-Hat Guy, this is life. It’s his “Born On” date. And even the thought of removing that sticker causes a salty discharge from his tear duct.

The most important thing to know about the Hat Sticker Guy is this: the thing on his head is not just a hat, it’s a shrine. Like comic book nerds collecting first prints, or a cokehead trying to spread out his last 8-ball, the keyword is preservation. They need to keep that hat as new and untouched as the day they bought [or stole] it. So help them god.

That means the brim needs to be perfectly straight. The sticker needs to remain as it was on display — shiny, unblemished, and visible. And they when they wear the hat, it must barely even touch their head. Preferably, it will be hovering, cocked off to the side, and backwards.

Obviously, the next normal question is “why?” I mean, would you keep an XL sticker on your new pair of jeans or the wrapper on your condom? The answer, I imagine, is no. And why buy a hat if you’re going to be concerned about it’s safety and wellbeing? Why not just have a child instead?

But for the Sticker-On-Hat Guy, reason is not important. They don’t do it because they like it, they do it because they think other people will think it’s cool. They are your run-of-the-mill posers and copycats — the same people that bought Parachute Pants when MC Hammer hit it big.

Boyz 2 HatWhile the SOH is gaining large ground in the white, wigger community, it’s important to note that this style was introduced a long time ago by African Americans. Perhaps it’s first visible variance can be seen on the hat of Mike Bivins in Boyz II Men’s cross-platform hit “Motown Philly“.

It’s no sticker, but his signature “clothespin and price tag” look trail-blazed the way for all kinds of on-hat accessories.

Like baggy pants and rap music, this is one of the latest trends that white people have stolen from the black community and made douchey. Those largely responsible are the uber-white, New Jersey-style posers that rock a flat-brimmed Yankees or Mets hat.

If you know a Sticker-on-Hat Guy, there’s two ways to handle the situation: 1) Silently remove the sticker when they go to gel their hair into a blowout, or preferably, 2) Take his pristine hat and return it to the store for a full refund. Then use the money to buy yourself a 12 pack of Bud Diesel and #1 combo at Chick-Fil-A.
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Also Known As: The Hat Sticker Whore, On-Display Douchery, Dr. Seuss, It’s Cool To Keep The Tags On, Sticker Stanley, The White Bread Hat, Poppa Cap

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#39 The Airplane Talker

You remind me of my grandson.

You remind me of my grandson, Rusty!

Your flight was supposed to leave at 1pm. Delay, beer, delay, kiosk sandwich, diahhreah. It’s now 10:30 at night, and you finally sit down in your crammed, cubicle of a seat. You look to your left and see a bright-eyed, white-haired lady. She’s got a smile that’s says “I’ve been waiting for you”, and as you try to close your eyes, she breaks the silence with:

“Oh dear, I can never sleep on planes!”

And that’s when you clench your fist, and wish for the first time that you were addicted to pain killers. Because you’ve just been seated next to the hell-on-earth of air transportation, the demon of travel: The Airplane Talker.

For the next five hours, she will blab on about her dog, her son, her medication. “Oh thank God my dog Muffy is not a shedder. The Doctor said that’s important, you know.” She’ll let you know how she doesn’t understand all this skateboarding and MTV nonesense. She’ll talk about her family, her friends, and how she remembers the days when airplane food was as good as Mom’s lasagna.

At about three hours in, she’ll really start to open up. “…And that’s when I learned I had diabetes. If it wasn’t for Frank giving me those daily suppositories, I wouldn’t be sitting next to you today.” Damn you, Frank! How could you stand her stories?

Shut the fuck up!This is the point where you start zoning out, eyes focusing on the Emergency Exit. “If I just pull it open and push her out, no one will realize…” If it were only that simple. Such is the crux of the Airplane Talker. There is no escape, no where to run. You can try to shut your eyes, try to sleep, but as soon as you flutter those eyes, there’s a story about World War II waiting for you.

You’ll probably be tempted to drop a bunch of Nyquil into her ginger ale when she goes to the bathroom for the eighth time. Do it. This is your only chance for peace.

Mostly due to over-congestion and less frequent flights, the prevalence of the Airplane Talker has increased to epic proportions in recent years. Every random seating assignment runs the serious risk of being placed next to one of these ear-bleeding assholes. It’s important to note, that while I’ve specifically described a female, the Airplane Talker knows no race or sex. Just like their cousin, the Public Transportation Amigo, it could be anyone.

Your best bet to combat Airplane Talkers is to come prepared. On every flight, bring a bottle of Ambien, a horse tranquilizer, and a ball gag. This should give you ample choices as to shutting them the fuck up. Worst case, you’ll at least have a fun flight.
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Also Known As: Chatty Kathy, The Perpetual Plane Ride, Shut the Fuck Up McGruff, The Living Seinide, The Neverending Story II, Air Bud

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#31 The Back-of-Head Sunglasses Guy

It\'s like the back of my head is the front of my head
There is something absurdly obnoxious about a guy that chooses to rock his sunglasses flipped upside-down and behind his head. Even if the sun is blaring in this guy’s eyes, it makes no difference. His shades are sitting pretty, totally useless, on the back of his head.

Much like an out-of-control teen on Rikki Lake, the Back-Of-Head Sunglasses Guy just doesn’t give a shit. While everyone else puts their sunglasses on the top of their head, on the V of their shirt, or god forbid, over their eyes — the BOHS Guy wants you to know he’s got his own special real estate. Right on the back of that nutsack he calls a skull.

For those of you wondering “But why?!”, there are two distinct motivations:

1) The “eyes in the back of my head” method. This is used frequently to try and trick passerbys into believing that: yes, this man does in fact have eyes in the back of his head. And he’s using them to stare at chicks, man.

2) The “Trailblazer” method. This is used to try and be the first of his friends to do something never before done. Namely, using his sunglasses improperly. Much like The Upside-Down Visor Guy and The T-Shirt in the Water Guy, the BOHSG aims to blaze new trends with how things shouldn’t be used.

T.G.I. DouchebagTypically the BOHSG will either have a bald/shaved head or some sort of frosted tips. This is perfectly demonstrated by douchebag extraordinaire Guy Fieri, of TGI Fridays fame. Notice how the sunglasses are buried near the nape of his neck — a sneak peak you only get when he turns to oggle at a girl that says “She’ll be right back” but is really running for the exit.

The BOHSG is a cross-cultural breed, ranging from retired Army Officers to Gang Members to Softies like Feieri. There’s a particularly large population Backwards Sunglassers in the Latino community, where they are taught at a young age: “See esse, yoous put da gafas on da espalda de cabeza”. Many such BOHSG devotees consider this a Father-Son bonding activity.

You can find the Back-Of-Head Sunglasses Guy near (but not on) the beach, at a Raiders game, or outdoor sporting events such as NASCAR. They will likely be drinking a room-temperature PBR, and over-exaggerating a story about hooking up with a chick.
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Also Known As: Dark Side of The Poon, The Backwards Shade Dude, Two Face, I Wear My Sunglasses At Neck, Backdoor Pete, The UV Necktie

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#22 The Sandal Sock Guy

Look at those tighty whiteys
In a world where socks are for shoes and sandals are for bare-feet, one socially inept man struggles to bridge the gap. This is the Sandal Sock Guy. And god damnit, he’s going to fit that flipflop over his knee-highs if it’s the last thing he does.

The Sandal Sock Guy is the “never nude” of footware. And in the realm of foot fashion, he is the retard king. He makes the conscious choice to take a comfortable sandal and turn it into a battle of cotton vs. leather. In fact, he’s more than willing to endure some hardcore toe-chaffing to maintain that style.

Sure, they look like idiots. But the Sandal Sock lacks total self-awareness. It’s not that they don’t care, they’re too old to care. And if you’ve learned anything from The Bucket List, there’s nothing worse than an old man set in his ways. That’s the way he put on that sandal, and that’s the way it’s going to stay.

Where am I?The Scale of Sandal Sock Superiority was created by the German’s in 1966, and it’s based on a weighted scale ranging from -73 to 0. A man’s rank depends solely on the footwear they sock-rock. The Teva velcro fashion will put you at the low end (-70), Birkenstock leather style will keep you in the midrange (-35), and the standard flip flop, or the “Plastic V”, will get you the highest rank (-1). A full vacation sock-rocking the V can get you some serious street cred, and in certain German villages, can make you royalty.

You can expect to see the Sandal Sock Guy near or at the beach. He will undeniably be an elderly man on vacation, or “on holiday” as he might call it. The older the man, the higher his tube socks will be jacked up. And he will more than likely have all of these: a map, a fanny pack, clip-on sunglasses, and a look of bewilderment.

If you see a Sandal Sock, and he stops to ask you directions, do one of two things: a) If he’s 40-63 years old, regardless of where he’s trying to go, give him directions to the nearest shoe store, or b) If he’s over 63, just point him towards the beach. He’s made it this far, and you might kill the old bastard if you confuse him any more.
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Also Known As: The Old Man Camel Toe, The Sandal Battle, The Cotton Sleigh Ride, Teva Toes, That Idiot Wearing Socks and Sandals

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#19 The Shisitor

There\'s a party in his pants
There’s nothing like a good friend.  Especially one that comes over and treats your apartment like a truck stop on the Interstate.  With a harmless “Where’s your bathroom?”, the Shisitor transforms from house guest to porcelain-pounding dump-fest. 

Sure, they brought over a six-pack of Bud Diesel, but their real gift to you is that unmistakable mix of Citrus Air Freshener and baby shit hovering in the air.  Who are they kidding with that?  We all can still smell the shit.  

But that is exactly what they want — to mark their territory. They’ve heard the expression “dump out before you go out”, and frankly, they don’t like it. They wipe their ass with that expression. Some are even so bold as to brag after they desecrate your personal space:

“You may want to give that a minute”,  “Ho Hoo!  That was a loose one!”, or “Do you have a plunger?”

Excuse Me, Where\'s your bathroom?Thus is the creedo of the Shititor.  Treat every place you visit like you were a vagrant at McDonalds.  Hold nothing back.  After all, you are a guest and you should make yourself at home.  Hell, clog a couple toilets while your at it.

You may find it hard to approach the Shisitor, as there’s nothing more awkward than initiating the “I’d appreciate it if you could unload that somewhere else” conversation. It’s just like having the “wrap your pecker in a rubber” talk with your kids — only more upsetting because, unlike your kids, you don’t care about this dude.

The Shisitor will almost always be a guy, typically with an alpha-male complex.  Less frequently, they suffer from IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome).  They will often come to your parties or BBQs under the guise of freindship, hanging out for hours before treating your toilet bowl like Hiroshima.

If this person is truly a good friend, you can seek revenge by going to their apartment and raising the stakes — by Upper Deckering their toilet.  

Who’s the Shistor now?
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Also Known As: The “Shit In Your House” Guy, The Port-O-Pal, That Guy, The Smellers‘ Cousin, The Girl Disperser, The Air Toxicator, The BYOStench Dude

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#18 The Stoplight NoseMiner

Diggin for gold never felt so right
Everyone knows there’s three things you can do at a red light: change the radio, send a text, or curse that slow asshole in front of you for stopping at the yellow. But the Stoplight NoseMiner has a different agenda: find that precious ore of booger, and excavate that sucker out.

When their car comes to a stop, it’s go time.  Like a dog in heat, their fingers will be pumping that nose cavity for all it’s worth.  There’s a snot-child missing somewhere in there. And they won’t stop searching until the rescue mission is over.

Often, the Stoplight NoseMiner will be a male, although females quite frequently can be seen panning for gold.  Almost always, they will be preoccupied, or “have something on their mind”.  This is typically the thought of past mining glories, such as that quarterpound of snotgold they harvested last week at the corner of La Brea and Melrose.

There\'s gold in them hills!Unlike many members of the Idiot Pants Party, the Stoplight NoseMiner is often an unconscious participant.  Many men and women fall victim to their fingers’ curiousity, only realizing their mistake when they have a sticky blob glued to their pointer finger.

But despite it’s publicity, this is a secretive pasttime.  NoseMiners are a shy, wary bunch.  And any Stoplight NoseMiner will tell you, there’s only one thing worse than unconsciously mining, and that’s being caught.  Especially by an attractive member of the opposite sex.  

If you catch a NoseMiner at work, be fully prepared for them to pretend as if they were itching or blowing their nose.  This is “Escape Plan I” and “Escape Plan II”, respectively, in the NoseMiner Handbook.  Under rare circumstances, said Miner will be so overcome with shame that they will punch the gas and run the red light, aka “Escape Plan III”.

You can find the Stoplight NoseMiner in gridlocked traffic, waiting for a friend in their car, or at any intersection in the world.  If you ever see a Stoplight NoseMiner with a nosebleed, it probably means they’ve just had a bad run of red lights.  If you could be so kind, offer them a tissue.
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Also Known As: The RedLight NoseJob, The Booger Baron, City Pickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold, The Intersection Inspection, The Snot Searcher

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