Category Archives: long island

#41 The Metrosexual

We're 51% straight!

We're 51% straight!

If it’s cool to be gay, than this guy is balls-deep in an ass. And if being gay is uncool, than this guy is still balls deep, but he’ll be blasting the latest Akon mashup and feigning heterosexuality. This is the confused dichotomy of the Metrosexual — dress like a gay person to score chicks.

The Metrosexual is the Clark Kent of the gay world, able to walk on the straight side then run into a telephone booth and come out with a feather boa. They want to be gay so badly that they’re willing to put on the full costume and shake their tailfeather. But if you’re a gay guy, don’t you even LOOK at them. Because they’ll make you a knuckle sandwich with extra man-meat.

It’s ironic, however, that while the Metrosexual embraces gay fashion and stylings, they are perhaps the most “homophobic” people on earth. Notice the quotation marks I put around that word. It’s common knowledge that many such metrosexuals will outwardly hate, but on the inside, be as gay as Clay Aiken. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

If there’s a 2-for-1 deal on waxing, they’ll get their chest and their taint waxed. If there’s a sale at Barney’s, they’ll be waiting outside the door with a $5000 credit limit. And if there’s a new trendy club, they’ll be there with greased hair and a collared shirt.

The Metrosexual lives a fabulous life, with a peppering of douchiness mixed in. So how do you tell a metro from a gay person? It’s a tough distinction, and one I don’t really care about making.

What’s particularly interesting is that while the Metrosexual philosophy is aimed at pleasing women, they are often the butt of the joke on both sides of the fence. Straight men dislike Metros, Gay men dislike Metros, and most women scoff at Metros. So that pretty much means that only Metrosexuals like other Metrosexuals. Again, man on man.

You can largely find Metrosexuals concentrated in New York City and areas of Long Island/New Jersey. They love clubbing, rap music where the vocals are robotized, and being inside another man (not in a gay way). Hobbies include: Frosting their tips, buying stripped shirts, Madonna (especially her new stuff), scarves, and reading GQ, both online and in print.
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Also Known As: Metro, Gay For Play, The Bare-Chested Stripped-Shirt Guy, The Confused Clubber, Ball Street, The Fabulous Homophobe

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#40 The Sticker-on-Hat Guy


Nothing says “fresh” like a circular hologram sticker. And for the Sticker-on-Hat Guy, this is life. It’s his “Born On” date. And even the thought of removing that sticker causes a salty discharge from his tear duct.

The most important thing to know about the Hat Sticker Guy is this: the thing on his head is not just a hat, it’s a shrine. Like comic book nerds collecting first prints, or a cokehead trying to spread out his last 8-ball, the keyword is preservation. They need to keep that hat as new and untouched as the day they bought [or stole] it. So help them god.

That means the brim needs to be perfectly straight. The sticker needs to remain as it was on display — shiny, unblemished, and visible. And they when they wear the hat, it must barely even touch their head. Preferably, it will be hovering, cocked off to the side, and backwards.

Obviously, the next normal question is “why?” I mean, would you keep an XL sticker on your new pair of jeans or the wrapper on your condom? The answer, I imagine, is no. And why buy a hat if you’re going to be concerned about it’s safety and wellbeing? Why not just have a child instead?

But for the Sticker-On-Hat Guy, reason is not important. They don’t do it because they like it, they do it because they think other people will think it’s cool. They are your run-of-the-mill posers and copycats — the same people that bought Parachute Pants when MC Hammer hit it big.

Boyz 2 HatWhile the SOH is gaining large ground in the white, wigger community, it’s important to note that this style was introduced a long time ago by African Americans. Perhaps it’s first visible variance can be seen on the hat of Mike Bivins in Boyz II Men’s cross-platform hit “Motown Philly“.

It’s no sticker, but his signature “clothespin and price tag” look trail-blazed the way for all kinds of on-hat accessories.

Like baggy pants and rap music, this is one of the latest trends that white people have stolen from the black community and made douchey. Those largely responsible are the uber-white, New Jersey-style posers that rock a flat-brimmed Yankees or Mets hat.

If you know a Sticker-on-Hat Guy, there’s two ways to handle the situation: 1) Silently remove the sticker when they go to gel their hair into a blowout, or preferably, 2) Take his pristine hat and return it to the store for a full refund. Then use the money to buy yourself a 12 pack of Bud Diesel and #1 combo at Chick-Fil-A.
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Also Known As: The Hat Sticker Whore, On-Display Douchery, Dr. Seuss, It’s Cool To Keep The Tags On, Sticker Stanley, The White Bread Hat, Poppa Cap

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#36 The Sweater Over Shoulders Herb

I'm sitting on a rubber fist!

I'm sitting on a rubber fist!

In the world of rich yacht-dwelling dipshits, their is one pastel pole-jockey that reigns supreme. This is the Sweater Over Shoulders Herb (or SOSH, for those that’d like to call them it to their face). It takes a bold man to drape a pink sweater over his shoulder like a 1970s country club grandmother. But the SOSH is a bold bunch. So bold, in fact, they often play all-male Twister nude with a bag of Chex Mix Bold Party Blend.

You may be confused at first. Is there a draft in the room? Maybe he’s got a birthmark on his neck he’s ashamed of? Maybe his shoulders are prone to frostbite?

But I assure you, there’s no birthmark, and there’s no draft (well, except for the one that keeps blowing douchebags onto Long Island). There’s just a goober with no fashion sense and a penchant for soft tones.

The sweater is a decoration. Like stripes on an General’s uniform, the SOSH displays his arrogance and wealth by shoulder-sweaters. Just as a rich housewife wears a pearl necklace, the SOSH will adorn themselves with a knitted honor. Polos, business suits, pajamas — as long as there’s a shoulder, the SOSH will hang a sweater on it. In rare instances, you may see three or four sweaters stacked on top of a SOSH’s shoulders. This is known as Accelerated Sweater Syndrome, or abbreviated, being an ASS.

You can find the SOSH in and around the Hamptons, Greenwich, and other areas with old money and no minorities. The will most likely be drinking a Wine Spritzer, feigning heterosexuality, and talking about their new BMW 3 Series convertible: “So I told the Dealership: ‘You want my business, you get me a light pink coupe.'”

When you see a Sweater Over Shoulders Herb, you’re first reaction should be to fake a smile and give the SOSH a huge “nice sweater” thumbs up. In a few minutes, bring your conversation closer to the SOSH, take a lighter out, and subtly light his sweater on fire. This is called “Hot Sweater”. Stand back a few paces, give him that huge thumbs up, and say “Hot Sweater, man!”
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Also Known As: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Shoulder Sweaters 3, Country Club Cowboys, The Long Island Birthmark, Herbalicious, Pish Posh SOSH, The Red Badge of Gayness

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#21 The Double-Popped D-Bag

Nice look guys.  And nice armband
As if one popped collar wasn’t enough.

The Double-Popped D-Bag is a unique brand of uber-collegiate prepster, tredding that vague line between Frat Guy and Gay Guy. Sure, call them gay and they’ll beat you up with their gang of Pastel Poloites — but go to the Mall later and you’ll see them giggling and tickling each other, arms full, at Lacoste’s Semi-Annual Sale.

To simply call the Double-Popped D-Bag a “douchebag” would be shortchanging them. They are douchebags with arrogance, affluence, and an unjustified sense of confidence. You can equate the DPDB to their vegetable counterpart: the onion. Peel away all those layers of Polos, and you’re left with is a stinky herb that girls don’t like.

Theres a popped collar for every finger up his ass.They are followers by nature, as clearly, any normal person wouldn’t wake up and put two polos over one another. But their friend does it, so they do it. Yeah, it’s dumb. But give the D-Bag a choice between decision-making and a rock of cocaine, and they’ll choose the Booger Sugar every time.

The Double-Popped D-Bag’s mentality and lifestyle depends solely on three things: Cape Codders, polos, and their Father’s money. Without the latter, they couldn’t have the first two. It’s a delicate cycle — Much like “the Circle of Life” in the Lion King, except instead of Simba, it’s Steve. And he’s a prick.

You can find the Double-Popped D-Bag shopping at your local White Person Mall, bar hopping in packs of four, or fisting eachother in the basement of their Frat House. They are concentrated in and around the Long Island/New Jersey area, with certain followings scattered throughout Southern Greek Life. On special occasions, such as the Annual D-Bag Ball, they will intermingle with The Blowout, The Pencil Chinstrap, and if they’re smooth, The Fake Boob.

If you see a DPDB at a party, tell them their polo’s unbuttoned. While they’re searching for which Polo, duff them out, pop your collar, and mack it to their girlfriend. Now that, my friend, is called justice.
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Also Known As: Two Polos Don’t Make a Right, The Layered Lacoste Guy, The Stay-Popped Marshmallow Man, Twice the Douche, The Polo Express, The American Nesting Doll

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