Category Archives: stink

#63 The Shitter Graffiti Artist

Picasso would be proud

Picasso would be proud

Most people think of public restrooms as a “last resort shit depository” — the filthy, regrettable step between pooping one’s pants and playing the “How Long Can I Hold It” Game. It’s a place where homeless people go to have sex and where the walls inexplicably are covered in a doody sprinkles. Simply put, it’s the worst.

But to the Shitter Graffitti Artist, this is art school. That toilet seat is a beautiful blank canvas — a brownish-yellow stained platform through which they can truly express themselves. That’s not just a plastic ass-holder, it’s a circular shrine to artistic integrity.

Sure, it’s regularly urinated on. But that doesn’t matter. Urine and feces don’t phase the SGA — the feed off of it. In fact, that toilet is surrounded on four sides by walls which could have just as easily been graffitied. But no! They chose the toilet seat itself — the throne, the porcelain palace. This is where the SGA shines.

After all, what speaks louder than carving your name into where people put their colon? If you answered “nothing”, then you’re starting to understand. It’s about respect, recognition. That carving technique they learned in Shawshank State Penitentiary can finally reach the wide audience they dreamed about while sharpening shivs on Cell Block E. It’s finally happening for them.

idiotsNow, I should pause to clarify. The Shitter Graffitti Artist is not to be confused with the equally mindless Toilet Seat Decorator (seen on the right). The main difference between these two fecalfeliacs is that the Toilet Seat Decorator spends hours upon hours gluing seashells or other “quaint” objects to toilet seats, while the Shitter Graffiti Artist spends a few panicked seconds carving “RALFIE” onto a piss-stained restroom. Other than that, the two are quite similar — both share what scientists have identified as the I.D.I.O.T. Gene (or in medical terminology, the “I Decorate Insanity On Toilets” Gene).

The SAG is largely of the male persuasion, as women have an intense fear of toilet seats (hence, the development of “the squat”). It is also more prevalent among males who are not incredibly sexually active, as if they were, they’d spend their time talking to women instead of touching public toilets. The SAG can be found in most truck stops and bars around the country, generally concentrated in areas where the aforementioned “vagina” is lacking.
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Also Known As: The Mona Loser, The Restroom Renaissance Man, Doodyfingers, What Germs?, The Toilet Seat Smithsonian, Port-O-Painter, You Should Really Get A Hobby, Picasso’s Plumber

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#59 The Laptop Pooper

The Laptop Pooper:  Taking Multitasking Too Far

The Laptop Pooper: Taking Multitasking Too Far

It’s a sad day for technology when that 30 Megahurtz processor is working double duty to rapidly refresh “WWTDD“, while simultaneously attempting to stream the latest “Akon” song, all while you’re taking a sizable BM. But to the Laptop Pooper, this is a twice daily routine. Sometimes three, if today was Bran Flake Tuesday.

A more modern, recent addition to the Idiot Pants Party, the Laptop Pooper has streaked their way onto the scene within the last four years, breaking new ground with the invention of WiFi. These wireless technologies have given the LP virtual free reign, and upon their porcelain throne, they intend to be entertained.

For the Laptop Pooper, there is no line to cross — no line between what’s acceptable computer behavior and what’s just weird. Taking a shit with their computer propped precariously on top of their thighs — mere inches away from defecation — does not raise any red flags. They like that heat on their thighs, they need it.

Laptop LoggerLaptop Poopers tend to be younger males with excessive free time at work — worker bees who thusly experience a numbing exposure to the internet and various FAIL blogs. They tend to rely on these virtual sources to pass all waking moments of free time. And that 10-15 minutes in the Power Dome is no different.

Don’t even try to give them something “printed” to read, that shit is for old people. The laptop is king. “The Laptop Pooper Creed”, translated from Latin, states it quite plainly: It’s thine laptop, and they shalt poop if they want to. Sure, their motto is a rip off of Lesley Gore’s iconic song, but who the fuck is that?

Yet, perhaps the most disturbing aspect of LP’s habits is what’s know by scientists as “Fecal Fallout”, or unseen residue from said bathroom experiences that are unbeknownst to fellow computer users. This is quite similar to a nuclear reaction. That laptop you borrow to look up Google Maps may have been in the shitter only moments ago, and now your fingers will smell like chocolate.

If you’re confused, that’s a good thing. I personally follow the philosophy that if you’re not bringing it in there to whack off, then give it a rest. But be warned, it’s difficult to spot a Laptop Pooper unless you are close friends and/or roommates with them, as this tends to be a very personal pasttime.
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Also Known As: Partners in Porcelain, Poo Crew, The Computer Crapper, Dr. Doody, Crapping With My CPU, The Laptop Logger

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#53 The Rick Roller

Look, it was funny at one point.  But this is re-goddamn-diculous.

Look, it was funny at one point. But this is re-goddamn-diculous.

Nothing is less cool than an internet fad. Especially when it’s an internet fad that my Grandma thinks is lame. Yet, for the Rick Roller, this little web “trick” is fresh comic gold. I mean, can you believe it?!! When they click on the link it goes to a silly song!!

It’s not that the Rick Roller means to be annoying. It’s more that they have no idea; this whole “rick roll” thing is a hilarious joke they just heard about yesterday in an AOL chatroom. They’re blatantly unaware that the rest of the world has moved on, and that even Rick Astley himself put out a statement, “anyone that rick rolls after January 1, 2009 is officially a f**king dipshit. Get over it already.

But unfortunately for Rick, these dipshits won’t be slowing their roll. According to a new study put out by the Zizmor Institute, RR’s suffer from what scientists call “trend retardation”, in that they are severely handicapped in their ability to comprehend and utilize current fads. This is perfectly exemplified by their continued use of Kazaa for music downloads and their persistent care for their Tomagotchi virtual pet. They also enjoy paying for internet pornography.

Rick RollerThis is typically why the Rick Roller is not invited to partys, as they have a habit of bringing a compact disc with “Never Gonna Give You Up” on all 14 tracks. That, and the fact they love Ashton Kutcher. This is largely because they believe trucker hats to be currently very “trendy” [they’re not], and equate a successful rick roll to being Punk’d.

You will find the Rick Roller operating on either an Acer or Gateway computer running Windows 95 or possibly Linux. If you have the unfortunate luck of living near a Rick Roller, you may frequently hear a weird, high-pitched noise every few hours. Don’t be scared — this is the sound of their modem dialing into their AOL account, or possibly the sound of them crasturbating (crying and masturbating simultaneously) to a full size Rick Astley cardboard cutout.
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Also Known As: Slow, The Trend Killer, Rickets, The Astley Asshole, Never Gonna Give It Up, The Linking Loser, Dick Roll

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#19 The Shisitor

There\'s a party in his pants
There’s nothing like a good friend.  Especially one that comes over and treats your apartment like a truck stop on the Interstate.  With a harmless “Where’s your bathroom?”, the Shisitor transforms from house guest to porcelain-pounding dump-fest. 

Sure, they brought over a six-pack of Bud Diesel, but their real gift to you is that unmistakable mix of Citrus Air Freshener and baby shit hovering in the air.  Who are they kidding with that?  We all can still smell the shit.  

But that is exactly what they want — to mark their territory. They’ve heard the expression “dump out before you go out”, and frankly, they don’t like it. They wipe their ass with that expression. Some are even so bold as to brag after they desecrate your personal space:

“You may want to give that a minute”,  “Ho Hoo!  That was a loose one!”, or “Do you have a plunger?”

Excuse Me, Where\'s your bathroom?Thus is the creedo of the Shititor.  Treat every place you visit like you were a vagrant at McDonalds.  Hold nothing back.  After all, you are a guest and you should make yourself at home.  Hell, clog a couple toilets while your at it.

You may find it hard to approach the Shisitor, as there’s nothing more awkward than initiating the “I’d appreciate it if you could unload that somewhere else” conversation. It’s just like having the “wrap your pecker in a rubber” talk with your kids — only more upsetting because, unlike your kids, you don’t care about this dude.

The Shisitor will almost always be a guy, typically with an alpha-male complex.  Less frequently, they suffer from IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome).  They will often come to your parties or BBQs under the guise of freindship, hanging out for hours before treating your toilet bowl like Hiroshima.

If this person is truly a good friend, you can seek revenge by going to their apartment and raising the stakes — by Upper Deckering their toilet.  

Who’s the Shistor now?
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Also Known As: The “Shit In Your House” Guy, The Port-O-Pal, That Guy, The Smellers‘ Cousin, The Girl Disperser, The Air Toxicator, The BYOStench Dude

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#15 The Smeller

Is that perfume?  Or dog shit?
Did someone just open a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos or — Oohh, man!  Who invited the Smeller?!

The Smeller is a notorious, shit-stinking beast.  Like a the body of a prostitute, they carry with them an assortment of smells unknown to the clean human palate.  Moth balls, woodchips, taco meat, grandma…you name it.  If it’s a foul stench, the Smeller will absorb it like a sponge and bring it to your nostrils.

A key trait of the Smeller is their ability to not smell themself.  They go about their daily lives in a blind stupor, oblivious — carrying around stink like a monkey.  

bitch, I live in a trash can!Yet, the Smeller is unique in their stankdom.  They won’t look dirty.  And they’re not homeless.  So is it that they just naturally smell like a jock strap?  Or do they simply not wash their clothes?  Did they just roll around in a pile of cow shit?  Or did they actually steal their wardrobe from their grandfather’s attic?

There are a million questions, and unfortunately, no answers. The only real question you can answer is “Who brought the Smeller?”

One things for sure, it wasn’t you. And such is the curse of the Smeller. They will show up unexpectedly, attacking your senses like a rapist. The Smeller is typically a co-worker or, more often, a peripheral acquaintance — a friend of a friend that somehow loves hanging out with you.

If you find yourself in close quarters with the Smeller, don’t panic. Simply look them in the eyes and say “You smell like taint.”   That should be sufficient to scare them away.  If it doesn’t, just start smelling your fingers and pray for the apocalypse.
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Also Known As: Grandma’s Closet, The Living Trashcan, The Stank, Shit’s Creek, Pigpen, Who Invited Stinky?, Ethan’s Surprise, The Shit Whisperer

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