Tag Archives: advertising

#12 The Blatant Joke T-Shirt Guy

I got a small weiner
The most recent trend in the slipping of white guys comes in the form of their wardrobe — more specifically, the t-shirt. Like a billboard selling books to the illiterate, the Blatant Joke T-shirt Guy will print his stupidity front and center, for all to see.

The Blatant T-shirt Guy is the ultimate cheat in the game of hitting on women. Much like a cokehead, they use outside resources in order to socially function. They disregard all wit or thought, putting their faith solely in the hands of a cotton XL. Such insecurity and heavy reliance on fashion should correlate solely to women, not to men. We’ll stick to buying drinks and quoting Anchorman.

Likethe Emo Kid, the Blatant T-shirt Guy gets no respect. I mean, has anyone respected comedians Gallagher or Carrot Top? Absolutely not. They’re the butt of many jokes, not because of their freakish mutant appearance but because they’re prop comedians. Plain and simple. They rely on a treasure chest of stuffed animals and toys rather than their own creativity.

Jesus doesn\'t like that shirtAnd this is no different from the Blatant Joke T-Shirt Guy. He too garners attention through obvious jokes and a lack of originality. Except instead of tie with a bow on it (get it? Tae-Bo!), he has a t-shirt that says “Chick Magnet“. In romantic terms, the T-shirt Guy is a less-shady date rapist — only the GHB is substituted for Urban Outfitters.

Any smart female should see through this facade and understand that “The Man/The Legend” (above) is wearing his personality on his sleeve, or in this case, his chest. If he’s going to wear that shirt, he should be holding a sign that says, “I’m a Bitchass,” as this would be more fitting, and frankly, would make everyone happier.

You can find the Blatant Joke T-Shirt Guy all over the nation, gaining acceptance in Middle America before introducing his horrid existence to the rest of the country (not unlike Jason Mraz). In recent years, this sub-sect of suburbia has received an excessive amount of press due to their mascot, goofy bastard extraordinaire, Ashton Kutcher. Suffice to say, white people were much better off when Footloose was released in movie theatres.

By Scott Glock-Holder
__________
Also Known As: The Tarded T, The Clothing Comic, Guy Wonderbread, The “Please Lay Me” Virgin, The “I Bought My Individuality On Clearance” Guy

Advertisements

6 Comments

Filed under advertising, awful, clothes, comedian, douche

#9 The Sign Holder

Yeah, you hold that sign
Ever drive by someone on the street and say, “Man, at least my job doesn’t suck that much”.  Most likely, you are talking about the Sign Holder.  They are the obtrusive cross-breed between worker and loiterer — the street-dwelling prostitutes of the advertising world. All they need is a busy corner, a large pointed sign, and a menial paycheck — and they’re set.

The Sign Holder specializes in the pandering of useless products to unsuspecting passerbys. Window tinting, cell phone sales, Quizno’s subs…if it’s a product that won’t sell itself, it’s sign worthy.

Perhaps the most notable characteristic of the Sign Holder is their willingness to be publicly shamed. You will often see them dressed up in ridiculous costumes such as Superman or the Statue of Liberty. It’s a bold move meant to attract attention, but in reality, it’s just a degrading monkeysuit.

Nice outfit buddyAnd talk about job security. Nothing says “irreplaceable” like the ability to have your job made obsolete by a hammer and a nail.

Contrary to what you may expect, however, the Sign Holder is often not an illegal immigrant.  They are generally just people that are too lazy to find a real job (with the occasional crackhead sprinkled in).

Yet, this lack of ambition disappears once the Sign Holder has their sign in hand. This is where they shine. They’ll twirl, spin, flip, and toss that sign in the air.  They’ll do a dance, they’ll point at you, and, if they have to, they’ll doody in their pants. Whatever it takes to make you notice.

You can find the Sign Holder on street corners, outside of tax offices, and occasionally, giving hand jobs for crack.   Sure, they’re getting paid. But who cares? Anyone that hangs out on a street corner for more than 6 hours with a sign is a bum.
__________
Also Known As: The New Sandwichboard, Hobo Got Job, The Sign Twirler, All Signs Point To Douche, A Telephone Pole With A Pulse

2 Comments

Filed under advertising, awful, prostitute, work