Tag Archives: annoying people

#56 The Drunk Girl Horror Show

She just needs someone to talk to.

She just needs someone to talk to.

Wow, this chick’s kinda hot. She says she’s Jill’s best friend from college…huh, I wonder why I’ve never met her before? Damn, she’s chugging that vodka like a champ!! Wait, she keeps giving me that firey-eyed look…What the hell is that? Maybe she likes me?? Maybe I’m gonna score!!!

And thats when you realize that you’ve unwittingly just been invited to the Drunk Girl Horror Show. Cancel any plans you had, and tuck those horny dreams away for the night, because all you’re getting is an earful of shitty stories, and a face-full of tears.

Have a few drinks with her, and you’ll soon find out everything. Everything. Stuff you didn’t want to know, and stuff you shouldn’t know. Keep an ear out for her endless stories about her ex-boyfriend, her terrible fight with anorexia, and if you’re lucky, you might even get the “I was raped” roller-coaster ride. Oh, you just wanted to have a chill night? Well, fuck that — you’re getting a rape story, and you better fucking be there to support her.

Drunk Girl Horror 2Forget the fact that you don’t even know her. She’s all yours tonight. In fact, be ready to be her shoulder to cry on, as well as the shoulder to put her miserable weight on all night. Be warned, after midnight, she surrenders the use of her legs, and will need to be carried around. And if you’re lucky, she’ll cap the night off with a fresh vomit on your couch. It’s a lot of fun, especially since you just met her four hours ago.

You can find the Drunk Girl Horror Show at any bar, club, or place where alcohol is served without a psychiatric test. However, you should be particularly wary of the “friend of a friend”. If you’ve never met her before, there’s probably a good reason why. Other girls can’t stand DGHS either, and will typically only hang out with them when the Horror Show is particularly needy and “just wants a girls night”. This is a horrible situation to be involved in.

But there are warning signs. Typically, the DGHS will begins with stories of her Ex-Boyfriend or will chug massive quantities of alcohol in disproportionate time. If you say, “Wow, how did she drink all that??”, get out as quickly as you can. The show has already begun…
____________
Also Known As: Beer Tears, The Drunk Succubus, I Thought You Said “Ape”, Close Talker, Buzz Killington, I’ll Never Drink Again

Advertisements

6 Comments

Filed under annoying people, awful, booze, college, friends

#53 The Rick Roller

Look, it was funny at one point.  But this is re-goddamn-diculous.

Look, it was funny at one point. But this is re-goddamn-diculous.

Nothing is less cool than an internet fad. Especially when it’s an internet fad that my Grandma thinks is lame. Yet, for the Rick Roller, this little web “trick” is fresh comic gold. I mean, can you believe it?!! When they click on the link it goes to a silly song!!

It’s not that the Rick Roller means to be annoying. It’s more that they have no idea; this whole “rick roll” thing is a hilarious joke they just heard about yesterday in an AOL chatroom. They’re blatantly unaware that the rest of the world has moved on, and that even Rick Astley himself put out a statement, “anyone that rick rolls after January 1, 2009 is officially a f**king dipshit. Get over it already.

But unfortunately for Rick, these dipshits won’t be slowing their roll. According to a new study put out by the Zizmor Institute, RR’s suffer from what scientists call “trend retardation”, in that they are severely handicapped in their ability to comprehend and utilize current fads. This is perfectly exemplified by their continued use of Kazaa for music downloads and their persistent care for their Tomagotchi virtual pet. They also enjoy paying for internet pornography.

Rick RollerThis is typically why the Rick Roller is not invited to partys, as they have a habit of bringing a compact disc with “Never Gonna Give You Up” on all 14 tracks. That, and the fact they love Ashton Kutcher. This is largely because they believe trucker hats to be currently very “trendy” [they’re not], and equate a successful rick roll to being Punk’d.

You will find the Rick Roller operating on either an Acer or Gateway computer running Windows 95 or possibly Linux. If you have the unfortunate luck of living near a Rick Roller, you may frequently hear a weird, high-pitched noise every few hours. Don’t be scared — this is the sound of their modem dialing into their AOL account, or possibly the sound of them crasturbating (crying and masturbating simultaneously) to a full size Rick Astley cardboard cutout.
____________
Also Known As: Slow, The Trend Killer, Rickets, The Astley Asshole, Never Gonna Give It Up, The Linking Loser, Dick Roll

2 Comments

Filed under annoying people, friends, internet, slow, stink, technology, trendy

#50 The Conspiracy Theorist

ConspiracyTheoristFresh off a bong rip and the latest installment of “Zeitgeist”, the Conspiracy Theorist is there to let you know that this society we live in is not quite a “society” at all. It’s all a huge lie propagated by corporations and evil governments worldwide.

Did you know that Big Business controls our government? And that our government LIES to us? Do you know how happy our society would be if we bandished the monetary system, and in it’s place, set up a system of equality and shared goods?

Yeah, no shit. I’d also be a lot happier if the ATM tickled my balls when I withdrew money, but it doesn’t. And I’d like a happy ending every time I buy a loaf of bread, but that doesn’t happen either. (Believe me, I keep my hopes high.)

But all this “reality”, “real world” nonsense is not important. To the Conspiracy Theorist, it’s all about just that — theory. Hypothetical fantasy lands where money is abolished and people live in harmony. There’s no fighting and no 9/11, because everyone shares and does their part. And the best part is, it rains gumdrops here!

ConspiracyTheoryKey traits of the Conspiracy Theorist are: medium-to-long hair, usually unkempt; a beard or mustache of some variety — again, unkempt; bags under their eyes due to hours spent scouring the internet for “clues”; ugly sweaters and/or turtlenecks; and a weakness for the sticky icky. They like organic food, as it lacks “government poison”, and enjoy anywhere between 2-4 cups of coffee a day. Black. Just like the heart of George Bush.

Yet, the one thing the CT loves more than anything else is talking. Much like the “Let Me Tell You About My Day Guy”, you could be in the middle of a normal conversation and let’s say you mention “movies” or “money” — BLAM! — say goodbye to your next two hours. Your in for a world of CT BS.

You can find the Conspiracy Theorist concentrated in deep, woodsy areas, or on the “outskirts” of major cities. They’ll most likely be high and watching “Loose Change”, “Zeitgiest”, “Zietgiest II”, or the Mel Gibson/Julia Roberts starrer “Conspiracy Theory”. If you find yourself stuck in a conversation with a CT, tell them you’re in law school, training to become a Politician. They’ll assume you’re part of “the program”, and shut up faster than a whore at a cock party.
__________
Also Known As: The Useless Debater, Lie-Loving Larry, The 9/11 Fanster, They’re After Me, Theo Theory, Ballsack Face, Gullible’s Travels

6 Comments

Filed under annoying people, conspiracy, friends, internet

#42 The Storytime Haircutter

I'm not just a hair stylist...I'm also annoying!

I'm not just a hair stylist...I'm also annoying!

Look, no one likes getting their hair cut at Supercuts. The quality sucks, the mood is shitty, and usually Lupe doesn’t speak English, so you’re not even sure if she understands how you want it cut. But a majority of us still do it because it’s cheap, quick, and quiet.

But The Storytime Haircutter aims to rob you of that precious silence. Sure, she’ll throw in the cheap and shitty part of the haircut, but fuck you — she’s got some stories to tell.

Have you heard about her kids and Myspace? They’re always on it and she doesn’t approve. Oh, and this one time, she caught her niece’s Myspace profile, and-and she was wearing these like super short skirts. And so she’s like “MMmm, girl…I’m telling your momma!” Please! Tell me more!!

Like a Homeless Person asking for change, the SH will never stop; even if you’re unresponsive or don’t make eye contact. They’re relentless, and as long as you’re trapped in that little seat, they plan on raping you eardrums.

You see, the Storytime Haircutter doesn’t play by the rules. They don’t ask you about YOUR day, they TELL you about theirs. It’s forced role reversal — like paying a Plumber to shit on your floor. And that’s just rude.

You're stories make me want to cut myself

You're stories make me want to cut myself

Instead, I’m treated with the pleasure of a story about how you were stalked by a customer at Koo Koo Roo. Delightful. Oh. No…I actually haven’t had the salad bar at Sizzler. It’s good? OK, well if you say so.

Much like their close counterparts, The Airplane Talker and The Douchebag Dentist (how am I supposed to answer your question when your fingers are in my mouth?!) — the Storytime Haircutter lacks total self-awareness. Despite the fact that you’re PAYING them to cut your hair, they don’t focus on haircutting, they focus on talking. Shitty stories and awful analogies. You know what, forget me. Let’s put those scissors on auto-pilot and hear more about how your father worked in a Pillow Factory.

You should be warned, though — much like Melanoma, the Storytime Haircutter is not someone you should take lightly. You feed too much into their story, and your head will come out looking like a cross-breed between Alfalfa and a newly turned lesbian.

If you have the unfortunate luck of falling victim to a Storytime Haircutter, don’t panic! At the beginning of the cut, tell them the the IPP tried-and-true story: “Yeah, it’s weird. My Dad’s in jail for a pretty brutal haircutting accident. But oh well, he’ll be out in a couple months, so that’s good. …I’m sorry, you were saying something?”
________
Also Known As: Gabby, The Haircut From Hell, Chatty Kathy, Henifer Lopez, The Supercut Sham, Nights in Rodanthe, The Neverending Story IV, Getting Scissored
Related: The Airplane Talker, The “Let Me Tell You About My Day Guy”

3 Comments

Filed under annoying people, awful, haircuts, idiot accessories, work