Tag Archives: body

#57 The Non-Tribal Tribesmen

African Tribal Lady, meet White Male From Milwaukee

Keta from the Anlo-Ewe Tribe, meet Mike From Milwaukee


There was once a time where you had to take a safari to a remote village in Africa to view what is known by anthropologists as “distending discs”, or in simple Americana: “that shit that you put in your skin to make it stretched out”.

But thanks to the popularity of anti-depressants, skateboarding culture, and Chris Angel, we now have the pleasure of seeing these Non-Tribal Tribesman right on our city block. That dude with an ear gauge the size of a fist in both of his ear lobes sure is cool! And check out the chick with metal staples in her cheeks!! Bring that sexy back, sista!

Extra napkin ring

Extra napkin ring

These “Inverse Earings” have become quite the rage, despite the fact that they make the hole in your ear bigger and bigger, as opposed to say, staying the same and hanging pretty things off of it. Forget the fact that in 10 years, your earlobes might look like a sleeve of a wizard. Much like the Fake Boob, it’s all about the now. And how!

And I’m all for it. Many people have made jokes about having sex with a person’s ear. To the Tribesman, this is a plausible reality. That gauging hole in their ear is yet another orifice to call your own. Make it yours. Need an extra napkin ring? Done. Just borrow their ear-ring, and return it after your done.

It is important to point out that despite their name, the Tribesmen can be both male and female. And also even those hermy-looking peeps that fit somewhere between. Regardless of gender, many of them have noted that the children’s song “Do Your Ears Hang Low” was a super-cool song when they were kids.

The Non-Tribal Tribesman can be found in anywhere, although large populations have sprung up in the Los Angeles, San Diego, and New York City areas. Contrary to their African precursors, the Tribesman is more likely to be found in a densely populated area. As this allows them to find more Tribesman, with whom they play “Who can make their hole the biggest?” The person that looses has to eat the ookie cookie.
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Also Known As: Poppa Piercing, Ear Vagina, Dumbo, The Ear Plug Fug, Earrings 2.0, The Foot Fist Way, Windsock Willy

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#45 The Weightroom Screamer

So you know it's good.

So you know it's good

What’s more eXtreme than lifting weights, sweating, and screaming at the same time?  If you said “nothing”, give yourself a pat on the pecks.

The Weightroom Screamer is the most intense, meaty, and vocal of all gym-going men.  Every set offers them not just the ability to push their muscles to the limit, but also a chance to show the world they have the vocal pipes of a castrati.  

And screaming bloody murder is not something they take lightly.  Most of the time, you’ll notice they utilize the “grunt-scream”, which is a hybrid noise ranging somewhere between an ejaculating bull and a dying dog.  This is chump change to them.  It’s filler. 

But the REAL scream — the one that makes everyone stare and uneasy — this is what the Weightroom Screamer lives for.  Max Weight. And they refuse to do alone.  They will undoubtably ask you for a spot, grab that weight in their greasy hands, and scream into your face like a drunk girl doing karaoke.  

Can I get a spot please?

Can I get a spot please?

Yet, it’s not all for nothing.  Their mindless screams function much like a bird’s mating call.   The shrill and uncomfortable vocals are merely a signal — letting all the ladies in the room know that he’s the strongest man in the room, and yes, he’s ovulating.

Fresh off of a gallon of Vanilla Whey Protein Shakes and a shot of “5 Hour Energy”, the WRS is ready — at any moment – to have a bench press competition, ask you “what the f**ck are YOU looking at?”, or to straight-up punch you in the face.   If you’re a female, spotting a WRS before they scream is not difficult — they’re the only one in the gym more interested in staring at their own ass over yours.

You can find the WRS at any location where free weights are found. If you live near a beach, you may find an increased ratio of WRS, as their screams hope to attract a hot bittie walking by the ocean. They feed off of lifting wrought iron, and if they even see a BoFlex or any of this other mechanical bullshit, they’re liable to scream in anger and throw a temper tantrum.
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Also Known As:  The Meathead Scream, The Weight Room Diva, Whey Warriors, That Dude At The Gym That Won’t Shut The Fuck Up, Braveheart

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#44 The Chinese Symbol Tattoo

Round Eye

What They Think It Means: True Love. What It Actually Means: Stupid Round Eye

The Chinese Symbol Tattoo is the quintessential go-to tattoo of the 21st century. It’s immediately deep, incredibly profound. Not because you read somewhere that it means “honor”, but because everyone of your friends doesn’t understand what it means.

For the Chinese Symbol Tattoo (CST), that little doodle on their arm is proof that they are, in fact, better and smarter than you. They’re intellectual, world-class people. And just because they don’t understand something, doesn’t mean that they won’t get a tattoo of it. Because they will. They’ll get a whole freakin’ row of tattoos.

And really…what’s cooler than branding yourself with something that — five beers ago — meant absolutely nothing to you. Don’t you see how insightful it is? It’s like embracing other cultures, without the hassle of actually learning or doing anything.

Now, it’s important to note that this article is specifically talking about Caucasians, not Asians — the hamburger-eating Round Eyes that entrust Cleedus down at Lucky Tattoo to ink them up in Mandarin. These are the same people that think Outback Steakhouse is a good place to experience Australia, and order Dominos when they feel like eating Italian.

While they are in the same family as the Barbed-Wire Arm Tattoo and the Tattoo Freak, the CST is by far the most powerful of the needle-based junkies. They’ve tapped into that rare fringe market — male and female twenty-somethings that want a cool tattoo, but don’t have anything in mind. So they settle for one that means something to someone else.

So then, why do it? The answer is simple. The CST loves the fact that you have to ask them what it means. It practically pays for itself in ego stroking!

And really, what’s cooler than a permanent reminder that you don’t speak Chinese? If you happen to come across a Chinese Symbol tattoo (which you undoubtably will), give them a little scare. Tell them you speak Mandarin, and that their tattoo actually means “a whale’s vagina”.
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Also Known As: Lost in Translation, The Chinese Star, It Means “Douche”, The Cultural Tat, Bing Bing Herro Prease, The Poo Poo Platter

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#41 The Metrosexual

We're 51% straight!

We're 51% straight!

If it’s cool to be gay, than this guy is balls-deep in an ass. And if being gay is uncool, than this guy is still balls deep, but he’ll be blasting the latest Akon mashup and feigning heterosexuality. This is the confused dichotomy of the Metrosexual — dress like a gay person to score chicks.

The Metrosexual is the Clark Kent of the gay world, able to walk on the straight side then run into a telephone booth and come out with a feather boa. They want to be gay so badly that they’re willing to put on the full costume and shake their tailfeather. But if you’re a gay guy, don’t you even LOOK at them. Because they’ll make you a knuckle sandwich with extra man-meat.

It’s ironic, however, that while the Metrosexual embraces gay fashion and stylings, they are perhaps the most “homophobic” people on earth. Notice the quotation marks I put around that word. It’s common knowledge that many such metrosexuals will outwardly hate, but on the inside, be as gay as Clay Aiken. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

If there’s a 2-for-1 deal on waxing, they’ll get their chest and their taint waxed. If there’s a sale at Barney’s, they’ll be waiting outside the door with a $5000 credit limit. And if there’s a new trendy club, they’ll be there with greased hair and a collared shirt.

The Metrosexual lives a fabulous life, with a peppering of douchiness mixed in. So how do you tell a metro from a gay person? It’s a tough distinction, and one I don’t really care about making.

What’s particularly interesting is that while the Metrosexual philosophy is aimed at pleasing women, they are often the butt of the joke on both sides of the fence. Straight men dislike Metros, Gay men dislike Metros, and most women scoff at Metros. So that pretty much means that only Metrosexuals like other Metrosexuals. Again, man on man.

You can largely find Metrosexuals concentrated in New York City and areas of Long Island/New Jersey. They love clubbing, rap music where the vocals are robotized, and being inside another man (not in a gay way). Hobbies include: Frosting their tips, buying stripped shirts, Madonna (especially her new stuff), scarves, and reading GQ, both online and in print.
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Also Known As: Metro, Gay For Play, The Bare-Chested Stripped-Shirt Guy, The Confused Clubber, Ball Street, The Fabulous Homophobe

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#33 The T-Shirt In The Water Guy


“Man, it’s hot today! So I decided to head to the beach for a refreshing dip in the water with all of my clothes on. I just love to soak my body in the cool waters of the Pacific. Let the ocean fill my Jenco jeans, and the the cold waters wash over my Mickey Mouse Shirt. This is heaven, and I’m glad I’m dressed to impress.”

The above passage was an excerpt from “Wet Cotton XXL: The Diary of a T-Shirt In the Water Guy“. The publication, which has sold hundreds of copies worldwide, is hailed as the unofficial bible for all things water-resistant.

But despite being waterlogged, the T-Shirt in the Water Guy is not a weak link. They are determined beasts, ready to break conformity, and forge their own rules. Because with the T-Shirt Guy, it’s not just a “dip”, it’s a day. For the next 5 hours, his shirt will be soaked to the core. Sand will stick to every orafice like stink on a monkey.

That brief swim will cause chaffed nipples and thighs, wet car seats, and draw stares of disapproval. But it’s worth it. Because they just did their laundry AND went swimming at the same time. What did you accomplish at the beach?

Just taking a dip before my 5PM Meeting

Just taking a dip before my 5PM Meeting

They are the daredevils and bad-asses of the swimming world. They pee in their clothes (in the water), and scoff at the rule about waiting an hour after you eat to swim. In fact, many eat while they swim.

It’s largely understood that the T-Shirt in the Water Guy’s desire to stay clothed comes from a deep-seeded place. Many tend to be larger individuals; some may be embarrassed by their moobs (man boobs). However, in many countries, the notion of swimming fully clothed is a normal one. Here, the T-Shirt in the Water Guy reigns supreme.

You can find the T-Shirt in the Water Guy at your local beach, floating around in the pool, or showering at home fully-clothed. Now while certain members may cross over, it’s important to note that for the most part, T-Shirt Water Guys are NOT part of the “never nude” camp. You may also notice that Hippies really enjoy swimming while dressed.

If you see a T-Shirt in the Water Guy, I recommend you give them a high five, or slap their ass good-sportsmanship-like. It’s important to encourage their behavior. Otherwise, they’ll just stay at home and spray the hose on themselves.

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#18 The Stoplight NoseMiner

Diggin for gold never felt so right
Everyone knows there’s three things you can do at a red light: change the radio, send a text, or curse that slow asshole in front of you for stopping at the yellow. But the Stoplight NoseMiner has a different agenda: find that precious ore of booger, and excavate that sucker out.

When their car comes to a stop, it’s go time.  Like a dog in heat, their fingers will be pumping that nose cavity for all it’s worth.  There’s a snot-child missing somewhere in there. And they won’t stop searching until the rescue mission is over.

Often, the Stoplight NoseMiner will be a male, although females quite frequently can be seen panning for gold.  Almost always, they will be preoccupied, or “have something on their mind”.  This is typically the thought of past mining glories, such as that quarterpound of snotgold they harvested last week at the corner of La Brea and Melrose.

There\'s gold in them hills!Unlike many members of the Idiot Pants Party, the Stoplight NoseMiner is often an unconscious participant.  Many men and women fall victim to their fingers’ curiousity, only realizing their mistake when they have a sticky blob glued to their pointer finger.

But despite it’s publicity, this is a secretive pasttime.  NoseMiners are a shy, wary bunch.  And any Stoplight NoseMiner will tell you, there’s only one thing worse than unconsciously mining, and that’s being caught.  Especially by an attractive member of the opposite sex.  

If you catch a NoseMiner at work, be fully prepared for them to pretend as if they were itching or blowing their nose.  This is “Escape Plan I” and “Escape Plan II”, respectively, in the NoseMiner Handbook.  Under rare circumstances, said Miner will be so overcome with shame that they will punch the gas and run the red light, aka “Escape Plan III”.

You can find the Stoplight NoseMiner in gridlocked traffic, waiting for a friend in their car, or at any intersection in the world.  If you ever see a Stoplight NoseMiner with a nosebleed, it probably means they’ve just had a bad run of red lights.  If you could be so kind, offer them a tissue.
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Also Known As: The RedLight NoseJob, The Booger Baron, City Pickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold, The Intersection Inspection, The Snot Searcher

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#16 The Felly Shirt

Damnit, will you tuck that shit in
You wouldn’t shove two pounds of jello into a one pound mold, would you? Of course not. It wouldn’t fit and shit would spill everywhere. But to the Felly Shirt, this magical act of force-fitting is an everyday accomplishment.

Like a pastry chef stuffing cream into doughnut, they squeeze their guts into the smallest shirts possible.  Sure, they could buy regular clothes that fit them.  But then they wouldn’t have the ability to force unsuspecting passerbys to see their eggplant-shaped midsection. This is crucial to the Felly Shirt; they take pride in giving fat people a bad name. 

You want some fries with that felly?The Felly Shirt follows the “Got it, flaunt it” doctrine, which through a wrongful interpretation by the Felly Shirt Society in 1996, has lead many a man to go blind.

But they don’t care. The Felly Shirt relishes in societies discomfort. They love it. They feed off it. It’s one of the many things they feed off of. In fact, they buy extra tight pants just to make that belly pop out of the bottom of the shirt.

And the Felly Shirt could not be complete without it’s white-trash accessory, The Felly Button Ring. Like a shiny diamond lost in a sea of cellulite, the Felly Button Ring is a bright beacon calling attention to the stomach. This piercing is a dinosauric remnant of a time when their stomach wasn’t so big, jammed in like a piece of shrapnel from an old war.   And there it will stay, right next to a some Goobers and a half-eaten Baby Ruth bar. 

You can find the Felly Shirt anywhere in the world, although it’s presence is highly concentrated in the USA. Most common sightings have been reported at McDonalds, waiting in line for thirds at the Chinese Buffet, and at Baby Gap. If you have the unfortunate luck of being in their path, pick a stationary object and keep your eyes focused on it. Do not stare at them, as the glare from the sweat and Felly Button Ring may leave you blinded.
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Also Known As: The Muffintop, Baby Got Front, Miss Midsection, The Spare Tire, The “What Goes Around, Goes Around” Girl, The Black Sheep Shirt, The Fat Frontiersman

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