Rationality, logic, common sense—a chubby man in shorts in the dead of winter retains none of these things. Instead, chubby dude in shorts ironically pursues a more image-driven lifestyle, hoping that he’ll turn some female heads in his direction for his daring use of choice bottoms, rather than his typical trademark: barbecue sauce on his cheeks despite it being 9am.
Chubby Dude in Shorts wants to get noticed for his courageous choice of clothing rather than getting noticed for sweating while reading. But by no means should one direct any sympathy his way. Chubby guy has friends and he’s popular in certain social circles, but his over-zealous attitude requires him to make his mark in the winter. He needs to be seen and needs to brag to everyone that despite his backwards hat, he’s an original breed of man, hence, the shorts.
Unfortunately Chubby Dude in Shorts in the Dead of Winter needs to realize that once he wears these shorts, he’s forced to wear them any time the temperature is exactly the same or warmer than that particular day when he first wore them. Failure to do so results in finger pointing followed by the word “fag” repeated by all passer-bys.
Chubby Guy can be found on all US college campuses, or wherever there are cold days and high unemployment rates for soft Caucasians; and by that I mean Cincinnati. The Chubby Dude in Shorts in the Dead of Winter is only recognized in this one season. But even if you do not see him in the distance, chubby dude can be heard within earshot due to his infatuation with public acoustic guitar playing. On campuses, the chubby gip will play a guitar in the quad but will pertain his musical playlist to Dave Matthews Band and acoustic covers of popular hip-hop anthems (Gin and Juice and Boyz In Da Hood come to mind). Other specific attributes of this chubby guy in shorts include tardiness and scholastic failure.
By Scott Glockholder
Also Known As: Martin Shorts, Cold Yet Bold, Cool as Ice…Cream, Winter Weezer, Cold Blooded with Cankles, The Sweaty Guy From Microbiology 112.