Tag Archives: clothing

#22 The Sandal Sock Guy

Look at those tighty whiteys
In a world where socks are for shoes and sandals are for bare-feet, one socially inept man struggles to bridge the gap. This is the Sandal Sock Guy. And god damnit, he’s going to fit that flipflop over his knee-highs if it’s the last thing he does.

The Sandal Sock Guy is the “never nude” of footware. And in the realm of foot fashion, he is the retard king. He makes the conscious choice to take a comfortable sandal and turn it into a battle of cotton vs. leather. In fact, he’s more than willing to endure some hardcore toe-chaffing to maintain that style.

Sure, they look like idiots. But the Sandal Sock lacks total self-awareness. It’s not that they don’t care, they’re too old to care. And if you’ve learned anything from The Bucket List, there’s nothing worse than an old man set in his ways. That’s the way he put on that sandal, and that’s the way it’s going to stay.

Where am I?The Scale of Sandal Sock Superiority was created by the German’s in 1966, and it’s based on a weighted scale ranging from -73 to 0. A man’s rank depends solely on the footwear they sock-rock. The Teva velcro fashion will put you at the low end (-70), Birkenstock leather style will keep you in the midrange (-35), and the standard flip flop, or the “Plastic V”, will get you the highest rank (-1). A full vacation sock-rocking the V can get you some serious street cred, and in certain German villages, can make you royalty.

You can expect to see the Sandal Sock Guy near or at the beach. He will undeniably be an elderly man on vacation, or “on holiday” as he might call it. The older the man, the higher his tube socks will be jacked up. And he will more than likely have all of these: a map, a fanny pack, clip-on sunglasses, and a look of bewilderment.

If you see a Sandal Sock, and he stops to ask you directions, do one of two things: a) If he’s 40-63 years old, regardless of where he’s trying to go, give him directions to the nearest shoe store, or b) If he’s over 63, just point him towards the beach. He’s made it this far, and you might kill the old bastard if you confuse him any more.
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Also Known As: The Old Man Camel Toe, The Sandal Battle, The Cotton Sleigh Ride, Teva Toes, That Idiot Wearing Socks and Sandals

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Filed under clothes, idiot accessories, IdiotPantsParty, old people

#21 The Double-Popped D-Bag

Nice look guys.  And nice armband
As if one popped collar wasn’t enough.

The Double-Popped D-Bag is a unique brand of uber-collegiate prepster, tredding that vague line between Frat Guy and Gay Guy. Sure, call them gay and they’ll beat you up with their gang of Pastel Poloites — but go to the Mall later and you’ll see them giggling and tickling each other, arms full, at Lacoste’s Semi-Annual Sale.

To simply call the Double-Popped D-Bag a “douchebag” would be shortchanging them. They are douchebags with arrogance, affluence, and an unjustified sense of confidence. You can equate the DPDB to their vegetable counterpart: the onion. Peel away all those layers of Polos, and you’re left with is a stinky herb that girls don’t like.

Theres a popped collar for every finger up his ass.They are followers by nature, as clearly, any normal person wouldn’t wake up and put two polos over one another. But their friend does it, so they do it. Yeah, it’s dumb. But give the D-Bag a choice between decision-making and a rock of cocaine, and they’ll choose the Booger Sugar every time.

The Double-Popped D-Bag’s mentality and lifestyle depends solely on three things: Cape Codders, polos, and their Father’s money. Without the latter, they couldn’t have the first two. It’s a delicate cycle — Much like “the Circle of Life” in the Lion King, except instead of Simba, it’s Steve. And he’s a prick.

You can find the Double-Popped D-Bag shopping at your local White Person Mall, bar hopping in packs of four, or fisting eachother in the basement of their Frat House. They are concentrated in and around the Long Island/New Jersey area, with certain followings scattered throughout Southern Greek Life. On special occasions, such as the Annual D-Bag Ball, they will intermingle with The Blowout, The Pencil Chinstrap, and if they’re smooth, The Fake Boob.

If you see a DPDB at a party, tell them their polo’s unbuttoned. While they’re searching for which Polo, duff them out, pop your collar, and mack it to their girlfriend. Now that, my friend, is called justice.
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Also Known As: Two Polos Don’t Make a Right, The Layered Lacoste Guy, The Stay-Popped Marshmallow Man, Twice the Douche, The Polo Express, The American Nesting Doll

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Filed under booze, clothes, douche, guidos, long island, new jersey, rich people

#17 The Thumb Ring Guy

You think I\'m a dike but I\'m actually Thumb Ring Guy!
The Thumb-Ring Guy is the grown-up version of that white kid in middle school who put beads in his hair. And as an adult, his thumb ornaments show the world that he’s still the most “new age” herb in the spice rack.  

Obviously, Thumb-Ring Guy’s stand out attribute is the thumb ring he so proudly rocks on whichever hand he uses to write his shitty poetry.    In the pseudo-artistic trinket family, the thumb ring is the ignored middle-child — overshadowed by his popular older brother Brown Leather Wrist Band and drowned out by the overt machismo of his younger brother, Chain Wallet.  

Thumb-Ring Guy has a regimented wardrobe of hemp necklaces, beads, and winter skullies (which he only wears inside bars in mid-summer). Think hippie, but without the stench of incense. You should expect the thumb ring to be silver, typically with a floral pattern; though recent acceptance of said male jewelry has created a rise in gold ones. Either way, it’s softer than Michael Douglas dick.

look at all that hempIf it’s the winter and you’re unsure whether your friend or lover is Thumb-Ring Guy due to gloves or mittens, there are very key characteristics that go hand in hand with the jewelry. First, Thumb-Ring Guy is very sensitive and very progressive. He’s a herb, and an outspoken fan of Air America (the radio station, not the 1990 action-comedy starring Mel Gibson & Robert Downey, Jr.).

Thumb-Ring Guy also relates all life experiences to his free spirit, and somehow every conversation you have with him turns into a lecture about preserving Mother Nature. Ironically, he’s scared of Father Time — hence the vast collection of youth-procuring face and body lotions on his dresser. Thumb-Ring Guy will demand his opinions are fact, but at the same time, he’ll easily saunter off into a corner if you mack it to his girlfriend.  

Thumb-Ring Guy can generally be found in vapid social wastelands wisely disguised as intellectual epicenters, specifically the Jack Johnson CD section at Border’s Books & Music. If one is to make contact with Thumb-Ring Guy, the best maneuver is to find a book by the trendiest author at the time and beat him unmercifully with it. I did so just a few months back with Junot Diaz’s The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, and I’ve yet to be apprehended.  

Odds are the fuzz will see the thumb ring, and accuse Guy of fraud; believing the physical assault was a hoax pulled to gain monetary compensation for the purchasing of more thumb rings.

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: The Thumb Ornament, Lord of the Herbs, The Ring Bearer, The New Age of Hand, The “Where Has That Thumb Been?” Guy, The Colon Ring

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Filed under body, clothes, idiot accessories, work

#12 The Blatant Joke T-Shirt Guy

I got a small weiner
The most recent trend in the slipping of white guys comes in the form of their wardrobe — more specifically, the t-shirt. Like a billboard selling books to the illiterate, the Blatant Joke T-shirt Guy will print his stupidity front and center, for all to see.

The Blatant T-shirt Guy is the ultimate cheat in the game of hitting on women. Much like a cokehead, they use outside resources in order to socially function. They disregard all wit or thought, putting their faith solely in the hands of a cotton XL. Such insecurity and heavy reliance on fashion should correlate solely to women, not to men. We’ll stick to buying drinks and quoting Anchorman.

Likethe Emo Kid, the Blatant T-shirt Guy gets no respect. I mean, has anyone respected comedians Gallagher or Carrot Top? Absolutely not. They’re the butt of many jokes, not because of their freakish mutant appearance but because they’re prop comedians. Plain and simple. They rely on a treasure chest of stuffed animals and toys rather than their own creativity.

Jesus doesn\'t like that shirtAnd this is no different from the Blatant Joke T-Shirt Guy. He too garners attention through obvious jokes and a lack of originality. Except instead of tie with a bow on it (get it? Tae-Bo!), he has a t-shirt that says “Chick Magnet“. In romantic terms, the T-shirt Guy is a less-shady date rapist — only the GHB is substituted for Urban Outfitters.

Any smart female should see through this facade and understand that “The Man/The Legend” (above) is wearing his personality on his sleeve, or in this case, his chest. If he’s going to wear that shirt, he should be holding a sign that says, “I’m a Bitchass,” as this would be more fitting, and frankly, would make everyone happier.

You can find the Blatant Joke T-Shirt Guy all over the nation, gaining acceptance in Middle America before introducing his horrid existence to the rest of the country (not unlike Jason Mraz). In recent years, this sub-sect of suburbia has received an excessive amount of press due to their mascot, goofy bastard extraordinaire, Ashton Kutcher. Suffice to say, white people were much better off when Footloose was released in movie theatres.

By Scott Glock-Holder
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Also Known As: The Tarded T, The Clothing Comic, Guy Wonderbread, The “Please Lay Me” Virgin, The “I Bought My Individuality On Clearance” Guy

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Filed under advertising, awful, clothes, comedian, douche

#11 The Fake Boob

Suck on that
There’s nothing like two silicon implants of self-confidence. For the Fake Boob, that’s what it’s all about: implanting attention.

Much like Hoodini, the Fake Boob will disappear for a brief moment, then miraculously reappear with a set of rockin’ tits. Bigger ones.

Flaunting is critical to the Fake Boob. In order to feel that they’ve “gotten their money’s worth”, they will show, flash, and lotion those mammary mountains like it was going out of style. Their wardrobe must be as chest-heavy as possible. Those now-huge knockers must be shoved and squeezed into the smallest clothing possible. If it can be arranged, doll clothes are a plus.

The Fake Boob is driven by the concept of “bigger is better”. The mere thought of bigger boobs gets their nipples hard. By increasing the bust size, they increase their life. Happiness, wealth — all their problems will be transplanted away. This is known as the “old titty fix”.

All NaturalOccasionally, the Fake Boob may loose their mind, and inflate their breast size to abnormal proportions. Like these martian balloons to the left. It’s a mental lapse known by Doctors as “biggitittyitus”.

And while men may oggle over the Fake Boob’s iconic spheres, they are still fake. You’re not really fooling anyone. When said funbags start to sag, the Fake Boob is then faced with a whole new set of Old Fake Boob problems.

You can find the Fake Boob concentrated in Los Angeles, on porn stars, and scattered throughout other major cities. The Fake Boob will more than likely be attracted to other fake things, such as the Fake Tan, the Fake Friend, and in horrific circumstances, The Blowout.

So if your friend goes to the supermarket and comes back with a fresh batch of confidence and two cantaloupes under her shirt, be wary. She may have just become a Fake Boob. (And you may have just scored front row seats to a titty show. No dollar bills required.)
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Also Known As: The Funbag Fix, Silicon Confidence, Major Boobage, The “Eyes Down Here” Girl, The Titty Transformer, The “Notice Something Different?” Dame, Boobing For Compliments, Metamorphatits

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Filed under body, clothes, entertainment, idiot accessories, los angeles, new york city, rich people, sex

#10 The Pet Dresser

Killing them with kindness
The Pet Dresser is like Joan River’s face. Wrong, hideous, and unnatural — but you’re not going to say anything because you know it won’t matter. They are an ugly breed, and unfortunatly, their pets pay the price.

They will go to great lengths and huge budgets to prove to the world that their pet is much more than a pet.  It’s a human. A human with four legs, a red rocket, and a massive wardrobe.

Sure, the “pet” will piss on the carpet and shed all over your clothes, but you’re not using your imagination!  You need to pretend that Muffy doesn’t smell like dog shit. Just look at that sweater. It costs more than a real person’s sweater.  

He is so unhappyThe Pet Dresser has a paradoxical relationship with their animal.  They care so much, but are oblivious to it’s misery.  If there was such a thing as animal suicide, these pets would certainly commit it. This “Football dog” would eat five pounds of chocolate if he knew it meant never wearing this freaking outfit again.

Unlike most assholes, the Pet Dresser is a niche idiot. They are almost exclusively rich females without children. Whorish starlets such as Paris Hilton have unfortunately made pet dressing more mainstream, but it is still a “luxury” habit. You can find the Pet Dresser in the suburbs, among the wealthy, and licking peanut butter off of housewives.

They prey on small dogs and cats — the smaller the animal, the better. Any good Pet Dresser knows that a tiny, fragile animal cannot protect itself, and will therefore will not bite your face when your forcing it into a mini turtle neck.

These people live in a world disconnected from reality. Dogs have sweaters and Cats wear hats. The “doghouse” is inside the owner’s purse. Needless to say, Pet Dressers tend to be an emotionally unstable bunch. If you are a single male and meet a girl with dressed-up Chihuahua, run for the hills. She’s got a problem for every wardrobe change.
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Also Known As: The Dog Torturer, Paws Are People Too, The “My Pet Is A Real Boy” Woman, Gepetto’s Pet, The PETA Sandwich

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Filed under animals, clothes, parents