Tag Archives: dog

#10 The Pet Dresser

Killing them with kindness
The Pet Dresser is like Joan River’s face. Wrong, hideous, and unnatural — but you’re not going to say anything because you know it won’t matter. They are an ugly breed, and unfortunatly, their pets pay the price.

They will go to great lengths and huge budgets to prove to the world that their pet is much more than a pet.  It’s a human. A human with four legs, a red rocket, and a massive wardrobe.

Sure, the “pet” will piss on the carpet and shed all over your clothes, but you’re not using your imagination!  You need to pretend that Muffy doesn’t smell like dog shit. Just look at that sweater. It costs more than a real person’s sweater.  

He is so unhappyThe Pet Dresser has a paradoxical relationship with their animal.  They care so much, but are oblivious to it’s misery.  If there was such a thing as animal suicide, these pets would certainly commit it. This “Football dog” would eat five pounds of chocolate if he knew it meant never wearing this freaking outfit again.

Unlike most assholes, the Pet Dresser is a niche idiot. They are almost exclusively rich females without children. Whorish starlets such as Paris Hilton have unfortunately made pet dressing more mainstream, but it is still a “luxury” habit. You can find the Pet Dresser in the suburbs, among the wealthy, and licking peanut butter off of housewives.

They prey on small dogs and cats — the smaller the animal, the better. Any good Pet Dresser knows that a tiny, fragile animal cannot protect itself, and will therefore will not bite your face when your forcing it into a mini turtle neck.

These people live in a world disconnected from reality. Dogs have sweaters and Cats wear hats. The “doghouse” is inside the owner’s purse. Needless to say, Pet Dressers tend to be an emotionally unstable bunch. If you are a single male and meet a girl with dressed-up Chihuahua, run for the hills. She’s got a problem for every wardrobe change.
_______
Also Known As: The Dog Torturer, Paws Are People Too, The “My Pet Is A Real Boy” Woman, Gepetto’s Pet, The PETA Sandwich

4 Comments

Filed under animals, clothes, parents