#32 The Stoner

While the rest of the world struggles with Global Warming, economic downturn, and the threat of nuclear war, one man sits isolated, on a couch, with a bag of Funions and a glass bong named the Green Lantern. This man is the Stoner. And he’s got no idea what’s goin on.

One of the most beloved and least-douchey members of the Pants Party, Stoners are a docile, shy bunch with a hankerin’ for Taco Bell and the salty-sweet foods. They have a seemingly one-tracked mind: procure, and then smoke, said weed. They hate shwag, fear the government, and believe that pretty much everything is a conspiracy. Except for Obama, he’s cool.

You’ll know the Stoner by that glazed look in their eyes, their laid back attitude, and their penchant for hemp. They have a thing for flavored sodas, particularly “grape” and “orange”, and believe that they’re the only people that know about Malomars. Confused? Listen for their signature catchphrase:

“Wait…what we’re we talking about?”

Their simple lifestyle is based off of their two pop icons: Bob Marley and Towelie. Marley taught them to fight for what you believe in, don’t give in to the Man, and keep rockin’ rebel music. While Towelie taught them that getting high is a solution, and that Funkytown can be played on a phone keypad.

Much like The Club for your car, it’s recommended that every person have at least one Stoner friend to protect them from the outside world. While your stressing about your f**king boss, that girl that won’t call you back, or paying your bills on time, a simple call to the Stoner will make you realize: you’re waaay too stressed out. Take a rip of Sour Diesel and chill the crunk out, man.

You can find the Stoner all over the world, with large facets in California, Amsterdam, Jamaica, and Canadia. And with the global de-criminalization of weed, their pleasant movement is gaining momentum. More than likely, they’ll be rolling a fat doobie, visiting their local weed pharmacy (in California), or talking about how 9/11 is a conspiracy.

When you come across a Stoner, ask him if he knows “William Holdin”. When he pulls out a bag of weed, get high with him. You’re stressed out and he likes to talk. Win, win.
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Also Known As: The Pothead, Ganga Queen, Blunt Face, They Got Weed In ‘Em?, Dreadlocked Rasta, The Peace Pipe Guy, Smokin’ Aces
Related: The Brohan

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#2 The Over-Encouraging Parent

If you’ve ever smoked weed with your friend’s parents, than you know the Over Encouraging Parent.

They are eager to push their child to experience it all, no matter what the age or maturity level. They want their kids to be the first and the best — the trailblazer among their peers. The Prom Queen and Party King.

This type of Parent is ready, at any moment, to scream “Don’t tell my child what they can’t do!”. And don’t you dare. Because they will throw up fisticuffs and fight you on the spot. In front of their kids. They’ll break your nose and chalk it up as “positive reinforcement”.

At the core of every Over-Encouraging Parent is the internal struggle with their own deteriorating age, and the burning desire to “stay cool”. You will find them buying beer for their teenage kids and their friends, often allowing them unrestricted use of the house to throw parties and “score chicks”. The only catch: Dad might come downstairs and have a few beers. Well, he actually might get drunk. But again, positive reinforcement.

Unfortunately, said Parents tend to be generally laughed at by their Child’s peers, and are used solely to procure alcohol and for an extra hand during kegstands. They are similarly scoffed at by fellow Parents — regarded as “those folks” or “shitheads“.

And often, the Child that has been so dearly encouraged — so fervently pushed towards maturity — turns out to be an drunk, age-fearing moron. Just like their Parents.
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Also Known As: The “I’m Still Hip” Parent, The Drinking Dad, Bad Parents, The Old Age Sage, The Buy Me Beer Parenteer