#57 The Non-Tribal Tribesmen

Keta from the Anlo-Ewe Tribe, meet Mike From Milwaukee

There was once a time where you had to take a safari to a remote village in Africa to view what is known by anthropologists as “distending discs”, or in simple Americana: “that shit that you put in your skin to make it stretched out”.

But thanks to the popularity of anti-depressants, skateboarding culture, and Chris Angel, we now have the pleasure of seeing these Non-Tribal Tribesman right on our city block. That dude with an ear gauge the size of a fist in both of his ear lobes sure is cool! And check out the chick with metal staples in her cheeks!! Bring that sexy back, sista!

Extra napkin ring

These “Inverse Earings” have become quite the rage, despite the fact that they make the hole in your ear bigger and bigger, as opposed to say, staying the same and hanging pretty things off of it. Forget the fact that in 10 years, your earlobes might look like a sleeve of a wizard. Much like the Fake Boob, it’s all about the now. And how!

And I’m all for it. Many people have made jokes about having sex with a person’s ear. To the Tribesman, this is a plausible reality. That gauging hole in their ear is yet another orifice to call your own. Make it yours. Need an extra napkin ring? Done. Just borrow their ear-ring, and return it after your done.

It is important to point out that despite their name, the Tribesmen can be both male and female. And also even those hermy-looking peeps that fit somewhere between. Regardless of gender, many of them have noted that the children’s song “Do Your Ears Hang Low” was a super-cool song when they were kids.

The Non-Tribal Tribesman can be found in anywhere, although large populations have sprung up in the Los Angeles, San Diego, and New York City areas. Contrary to their African precursors, the Tribesman is more likely to be found in a densely populated area. As this allows them to find more Tribesman, with whom they play “Who can make their hole the biggest?” The person that looses has to eat the ookie cookie.
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Also Known As: Poppa Piercing, Ear Vagina, Dumbo, The Ear Plug Fug, Earrings 2.0, The Foot Fist Way, Windsock Willy

#51 The Guy-Liner

One small step for Makeup. One giant leap backwards for Mankind.

The guy in eyeliner has become a sudden hit among heterosexual men mainly because of the social acceptance of other feminine styles, specifically faux-hawks and painted fingernails (thank Carson Daly for that one, folks). Guy-Liner, as he’s commonly labeled, is usually a very typical modern man, equipped with a good education, a full-time job, and some social skills. Unfortunately such qualities are quickly discarded once eyeliner’s applied and the once normal person is a verified piece of shit.

The basic appearance of Guy-Liner is the heavy eye shadow usually correlated solely to prostitutes and battered wives. The eyeliner is then combined with a strange choice of wardrobe, with a heavy focus on the choice of fingerless gloves and a scarf to match (both worn only in summer). Guy-Liner also finds solace in other rebellious, edgy activities, including vampire role-playing and seeing Twilight in theatres despite being old enough to drive and not having any younger siblings.

The reasons for this choice of make-up have not been fully explained, but one can associate Guy-Liner’s eccentric eye shadow with the popularity of Pete Wentz, Hot Topic, and the 21st century ideal that “it’s OK to be a pussy” (again, see Pete Wentz). Guy-Liner’s real purpose in using this make-up is to tell his female constituents he’s sensitive and artistic while also letting his male counterparts know it’s ok to knock his jaw loose. Guy-Liner differs from the Goth craze of the early 80s and the industrial scene in today’s music, favoring the sounds of Darude’s “Sandstorm” over The Cure.

Guy-Liner can be found in any major city where the social circuits revolve around the underbelly of clubbing, mainly Miami and New York. Guy-Liner loves to stay in the dark, part of his mysterious appearance, but also because he understands how unattractive and pathetic he looks with such make-up on. Please note — users, abusers, and narcs — there’s a high chance of Guy-Liner’s pockets being stuffed with Special K, Ecstasy, and tissues (the latter being a necessity to stop his eye shadow from running every time he cries due to rejection and/or a deserved beat down), so please rush the fool when you see him.

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: Eye-Van The Terrible, The Shadow, Ghoulie Groupie, Black Eye Wack Guy, My Chemical Blow-mance, Jared Leto, The Man Makeup

#5 The Emo Kid

The Emo Kid is perhaps the most obvious, most teased, and most vulnerable member of the Idiot Pants Party. It doesn’t matter if you’re obese, fugly, or suffer from a chronic Fake Tanning, you can always turn a pointed-finger at the Emo.

They are the shunned step-brothers of Goth Kids and the “two-drink minimum” of douchebaggery. They are a specific genre — almost exclusively teenagers in that awkward non-conformist, rebellion stage. And they will definitely be Caucasian or Oriental, as every other race knows better.

The Emo Kid’s comfort zone lies exclusively with the color black. This is important. Every aspect of their lives must be covered in black, or at least darkness. Black mascara, black clothing, black lopsided hair covering one eye. At any time, 1 to all 10 of their fingernails will be painted black.

A nose and/or lip ring is a rite of passage into the “emosh” world. Much like a General in the Army, the more metals you show, the higher you rank in Emo culture. The Emo Kid will almost always love vampires, and will be furious at their parents for not birthing them as one.

Their main characteristic is that of overt sensitivity and emotionality. This is truly their downfall. If they get angry or teased, they don’t fight, they write poems (ABAB). They strictly follow the Emo Creed: “No one understands me” — not fully realizing that the general populace does indeed understand. They just don’t care.

The Emo Kid came into prominence around the turn of the 21st century, growing in numbers with the success of such bands as Dashboard Confessional and My Chemical Romance. You can find the Emo Kid hanging out at the Tattoo Club, shopping for a new Anarchy shirt at Hot Topics, or if they don’t have milk money, on the receiving end of a punch.

If you can’t find one, that’s perfectly normal. Just get a flashlight and go into the darkest corner of the basement. They’ll be down there, listening to The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most. With a moist towelette.
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Also Known As: The Goth Kid, Black Is The New Black, Monochrome, The Awkward Phase, Alternative School, [Hot] Topic Thunder