Tag Archives: face

#52 The Chico Stash

This mustache ruined my career!

This mustache ruined my career!

If you’ve ever noticed a man with a mustache so thin — so utterly disgusting and ratty — that you gagged and/or vomited on the spot, this is most likely the stylish workings of the Chico Stash.

The notoriously grotesque Chico Stash was originally made popular by Ralph Macchio in “My Cousin Vinny” (see above), but since has spread like herpes across a wide demographic of socially inept males. The most prevalent of these facets is within the Latino and Mexican tribes, as this smattering of loose facial hair is seen as a point of pride. You may also notice African American youths have incorporated the Chico Stash (or simply “the C-mo“) into their bag of tricks, with the neccessary accessory being a straight-brimmed hat with the sticker still on it.

Chico StashNow, it is vital to point out that the Chico Stash is also hugely popular with prebuescent boys, as these scattered brown-and-curlys on their upper lip projects a clear message to all the ladies in the room: “yeah bitches, my balls are mid-drop”. And to these sprouting youths, I wish an honest congratulations. (now seriously, shave that goddamn thing off your face).

The Chico Stash can be found almost anywhere in the country, although border towns with Mexico will find a disproportionate C-mo population. The CS will most likely be combined with: [if Mexican] a button-down shirt, with only the top button fastened; [if Latino] Chico Sideburns (aka the Toothpick Burns) that thinly wander down the side of the face; or [if a prepubescent boy] semen stains on their pants.

In rare instances, the Chico Stash may be found on a woman (this is known as “the Chica Stash”). Such women are typically homely and unkempt. Many Chicas also enjoy the habit of wearing bathing suits with a solid portion of pubic hair sneaking out from under the cloth. This is known as “disgusting”.

For those that are confused, there IS a difference between the notorious “Dirty Sanchez” mustache and that of the Chico Stash — namely the presence, or lack of, feces. Typically, men who like Chico Stashes are also huge fans of sodomy, so it may actually be a combination of both.

If you see Chico Stash, try not to vomit. Remain calm and keep eye contact on the ground. If you, or one of your loved ones, start to grow their own Chico Stash, do not panic. There is help. Have them call “the No-Mo Chico Hotline” at 1-800-822-6235. And may god have mercy on their upper lip.
Also Known As: The Statutory Stash, Dirty Upper Lip, The C-mo, Public Pubes, The Rat Tail, Baby’s First Mustache, The Macchio Mistake
Related: The Pencil Chinstap



Filed under douche, face, haircuts, idiot accessories, los angeles, mustache, trashy

#31 The Back-of-Head Sunglasses Guy

It\'s like the back of my head is the front of my head
There is something absurdly obnoxious about a guy that chooses to rock his sunglasses flipped upside-down and behind his head. Even if the sun is blaring in this guy’s eyes, it makes no difference. His shades are sitting pretty, totally useless, on the back of his head.

Much like an out-of-control teen on Rikki Lake, the Back-Of-Head Sunglasses Guy just doesn’t give a shit. While everyone else puts their sunglasses on the top of their head, on the V of their shirt, or god forbid, over their eyes — the BOHS Guy wants you to know he’s got his own special real estate. Right on the back of that nutsack he calls a skull.

For those of you wondering “But why?!”, there are two distinct motivations:

1) The “eyes in the back of my head” method. This is used frequently to try and trick passerbys into believing that: yes, this man does in fact have eyes in the back of his head. And he’s using them to stare at chicks, man.

2) The “Trailblazer” method. This is used to try and be the first of his friends to do something never before done. Namely, using his sunglasses improperly. Much like The Upside-Down Visor Guy and The T-Shirt in the Water Guy, the BOHSG aims to blaze new trends with how things shouldn’t be used.

T.G.I. DouchebagTypically the BOHSG will either have a bald/shaved head or some sort of frosted tips. This is perfectly demonstrated by douchebag extraordinaire Guy Fieri, of TGI Fridays fame. Notice how the sunglasses are buried near the nape of his neck — a sneak peak you only get when he turns to oggle at a girl that says “She’ll be right back” but is really running for the exit.

The BOHSG is a cross-cultural breed, ranging from retired Army Officers to Gang Members to Softies like Feieri. There’s a particularly large population Backwards Sunglassers in the Latino community, where they are taught at a young age: “See esse, yoous put da gafas on da espalda de cabeza”. Many such BOHSG devotees consider this a Father-Son bonding activity.

You can find the Back-Of-Head Sunglasses Guy near (but not on) the beach, at a Raiders game, or outdoor sporting events such as NASCAR. They will likely be drinking a room-temperature PBR, and over-exaggerating a story about hooking up with a chick.
Also Known As: Dark Side of The Poon, The Backwards Shade Dude, Two Face, I Wear My Sunglasses At Neck, Backdoor Pete, The UV Necktie


Filed under awful, douche, face, friends, haircuts, idiot accessories, IdiotPantsParty