Tag Archives: freak

#30 The “I Bet She’s Crazy In The Sack”

There’s a saying in the male community: “If she scares your head, she’s good in bed”. In other words, if she’s crazy enough to scare the shit out of you, she can probably rip your Johnson off when you unleash her sexuality.

The “I Bet She’s Good In Bed” is most known for that signature crazed look in her eye. You’ve seen her dancing on bars, violently screaming out the lyrics to “Living on a Prayer”, and/or punching her boyfriend in the face. She’s not afraid to be the center of attention, and she’s certainly not afraid of you.

Her key personality traits: aggression and bitchiness. She’d rather tell you to “f**k off” than answer that stupid question you asked. And she’d also like you to buy her a drink. Like now.

If your relationship with the IBSCITS (pronounced “I-Biscuits” for short) does progress into the bedroom, there are several things you should be prepared for:

1. Talking dirty. She’ll demand that you talk nasty to her, and believe me, she’ll say some shit that will make you uncomfortable. But make sure you steer away from calling her a “whore” or any variances of this. This term will turn wild sex into a violent scene from Clockwork Orange.

2. Aggressive and constant sex. She’ll let you know early on that she wears the pants. And you wear the skirt. The sex may be great, but once it’s over, she’ll want it again. Only harder this time. What are you, a pussy? And after that, again. While the IBSCITS does possess nympho traits, it will loose it’s luster after the first chafe sets in.

3. Peripheral Scariness. This could be anything the IBSGITS has in her crazy bag — from mentioning her father during sex to the ever-terrifying “Eyes Open Coitus”, where she’ll stare at you the whole time, wide-eyed and unblinking.

I like to watch you sleep.

I like to watch you sleep.

Now, I must warn you upfront: Just because she’s crazy, doesn’t mean she’s good in the sack. In fact, if your first instinct is “bitch is crazy”, then follow that instinct. Try not to think with your little head.

Most relationships with the IBSCITS typically end in two fashions: Abruptly. Or, more commonly, by the IBSCITS becoming attached, and progressively clingy, until said male breaks it off and fears for his life. After all, bitch is crazy.

If you see an “I Bet She’s Crazy In The Sack”, your best move is to point your friend in her direction. Let him take the bullet, and enjoy the phone call the next morning — The one where he calls in tears, saying she gave him a hickey the size of a walnut on his forehead; and he has no idea how to cover it up for his job interview that afternoon. This is where you say, “Ahh, they won’t notice.”
Also Known As: What Lies Beneath, Crazy Train, The Firey-Eyed Seductress, That Crazy Bitch, Was It Worth It?, Sleeping Beauty, Your Future Ex-Wife


1 Comment

Filed under body, freak, friends, sex

#3 The Fake Tan

Fake Tan
There is something to be said for that bright thing in the sky that we call the Sun. It gives us life, food, and more importantly, tans. But there is a particular brand of idiot that chooses to ignore that glowing ball of energy, and in it’s place, put a florescent bulb and some spray-on bronzer.

These people are the Fake Tanners. They feel the obsessive need to pay to recreate the effects of the sun in a small, dark room. Their orangish body desperately craves the frequent, multi-weekly appointments at the local “salon”. Only through this constant, oily attention is the Fake Tan able to darken and mature into full-on douchebaggery.

Although they are not entirely nocturnal, you’ll notice the Fake Tan predominantly at Parties and night clubs, as this is their specialty. They have been tanning all day so that they can glow at night, and that’s exactly what they intend to do. Shine. And quite literally too, as their skin will sparkle with the residue of a fresh application of aloe and Neutrogena.

At the heart of the Fake Tan is a burning competitive flame — a toasty driving force that fuels their frequent lotioning and laying. They need to be the tannest person in the room, no matter what the cost. If that means taking a pillow and some s’mores into their tanning bed, they will do it. They’ll camp there. And they won’t come out until their caucasian skin is charred to the core.

Fake TannerOften, the Fake Tan can lead to obsessive over-tanning, or a term that doctors refer to as “Carrotface“. This overdose of tan can lead to mocking and descrimintation from the Fake Tan community. And if coupled with The Blowout, can be deadly. (see picture to the right)

Thus, lies the crux of the Fake Tan — the dangerous balance between “tannest” and “over-tan“. Who can make it seem like they’ve been in the sun the longest without looking like a malnourished rabbit turd? Who can tight rope the line between golden god and orange asshole?

It’s an unfortunate battle, as with the Fake Tan, there is never any winners. They are all losers.
Also Known As: That Orangish Guy, Danny Tanner, UV4Me, The Human Glowstick, The Fake Black, Spray-On Douche
Related: The Blowout, The Fake Boob, The Fake Friend, The Double-Popped D-Bag


Filed under douche, freak, guidos, haircuts, new jersey, rich people, tans