Tag Archives: freaks

#4 The Tattoo Freak

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Nothing’s as permanent as a tattoo. And the Tattoo Freak aims to make you uncomfortably aware of that fact. From eyelid to asshole, they aim to turn their body into a nauseating canvas. Don’t like it? Good. Because they would be sick to their stomach if you did. You disgust them.

Every square inch of the Tattoo Freak’s body is valuable real estate, and like all morons, they will squander it — with butterflies, cartoon characters, and stupid sayings. Instead of treating their skin with care and nurture (like the Fake Tan), they treat it like a commercial billboard, squeezing in as much content and gimmicks as is humanly possible. Frequently, the Tattoo Freak will even re-tattoo over old, fading ones to make room for a new, stupider ones.

Cat ButtMuch like “hipsters” and “emo kids”, the Tattoo Freak fancies themselves part of the anti-culture. They are so uniquely individual — so against-the-grain — that no one could possibly “get” them. Well, except for the millions of other Tattoo Freaks, metalheads, and goth kids. Oh, and Dr. Phil. Sometimes he just makes sense.

In the rare instance that you encounter a Tattoo Freak with a tattoo you like, do not tell them. If you initiate, you will be opening a black hole of neverending “life stories”. Every single tattoo on the Tattoo Freak has a “connection” with every other tattoo — so asking about one means you’re asking about all of them:

“Oh that hamburger tattoo? That’s a funny story…I got really drunk with my friend Boner, and we starting eatin’ hamburgers. Then we decided, ‘Hell, lets get a tattoo of it’. Which reminds me of this tattoo over here of Chewbacca. Remember him?! Yeah, well, me an’ Boner were out drinkin’ again…” Pretty soon you’ll be fumbling at your shirt to find a loose thread so you can hang yourself.

You will rarely see Tattoo Freaks out during the day, as they thrive on darkness. You can also expect to see them at heavy metal concerts, at Dr. Phil tapings, and in your local grocery store, buying tater tots.
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Also Known As: Inked Up, The Tat Rascal, The Tribal Tattoo Guy, Regular Skin’s For Chumps, Tatatouille

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