Tag Archives: friends

#56 The Drunk Girl Horror Show

She just needs someone to talk to.

She just needs someone to talk to.

Wow, this chick’s kinda hot. She says she’s Jill’s best friend from college…huh, I wonder why I’ve never met her before? Damn, she’s chugging that vodka like a champ!! Wait, she keeps giving me that firey-eyed look…What the hell is that? Maybe she likes me?? Maybe I’m gonna score!!!

And thats when you realize that you’ve unwittingly just been invited to the Drunk Girl Horror Show. Cancel any plans you had, and tuck those horny dreams away for the night, because all you’re getting is an earful of shitty stories, and a face-full of tears.

Have a few drinks with her, and you’ll soon find out everything. Everything. Stuff you didn’t want to know, and stuff you shouldn’t know. Keep an ear out for her endless stories about her ex-boyfriend, her terrible fight with anorexia, and if you’re lucky, you might even get the “I was raped” roller-coaster ride. Oh, you just wanted to have a chill night? Well, fuck that — you’re getting a rape story, and you better fucking be there to support her.

Drunk Girl Horror 2Forget the fact that you don’t even know her. She’s all yours tonight. In fact, be ready to be her shoulder to cry on, as well as the shoulder to put her miserable weight on all night. Be warned, after midnight, she surrenders the use of her legs, and will need to be carried around. And if you’re lucky, she’ll cap the night off with a fresh vomit on your couch. It’s a lot of fun, especially since you just met her four hours ago.

You can find the Drunk Girl Horror Show at any bar, club, or place where alcohol is served without a psychiatric test. However, you should be particularly wary of the “friend of a friend”. If you’ve never met her before, there’s probably a good reason why. Other girls can’t stand DGHS either, and will typically only hang out with them when the Horror Show is particularly needy and “just wants a girls night”. This is a horrible situation to be involved in.

But there are warning signs. Typically, the DGHS will begins with stories of her Ex-Boyfriend or will chug massive quantities of alcohol in disproportionate time. If you say, “Wow, how did she drink all that??”, get out as quickly as you can. The show has already begun…
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Also Known As: Beer Tears, The Drunk Succubus, I Thought You Said “Ape”, Close Talker, Buzz Killington, I’ll Never Drink Again

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Filed under annoying people, awful, booze, college, friends

#50 The Conspiracy Theorist

ConspiracyTheoristFresh off a bong rip and the latest installment of “Zeitgeist”, the Conspiracy Theorist is there to let you know that this society we live in is not quite a “society” at all. It’s all a huge lie propagated by corporations and evil governments worldwide.

Did you know that Big Business controls our government? And that our government LIES to us? Do you know how happy our society would be if we bandished the monetary system, and in it’s place, set up a system of equality and shared goods?

Yeah, no shit. I’d also be a lot happier if the ATM tickled my balls when I withdrew money, but it doesn’t. And I’d like a happy ending every time I buy a loaf of bread, but that doesn’t happen either. (Believe me, I keep my hopes high.)

But all this “reality”, “real world” nonsense is not important. To the Conspiracy Theorist, it’s all about just that — theory. Hypothetical fantasy lands where money is abolished and people live in harmony. There’s no fighting and no 9/11, because everyone shares and does their part. And the best part is, it rains gumdrops here!

ConspiracyTheoryKey traits of the Conspiracy Theorist are: medium-to-long hair, usually unkempt; a beard or mustache of some variety — again, unkempt; bags under their eyes due to hours spent scouring the internet for “clues”; ugly sweaters and/or turtlenecks; and a weakness for the sticky icky. They like organic food, as it lacks “government poison”, and enjoy anywhere between 2-4 cups of coffee a day. Black. Just like the heart of George Bush.

Yet, the one thing the CT loves more than anything else is talking. Much like the “Let Me Tell You About My Day Guy”, you could be in the middle of a normal conversation and let’s say you mention “movies” or “money” — BLAM! — say goodbye to your next two hours. Your in for a world of CT BS.

You can find the Conspiracy Theorist concentrated in deep, woodsy areas, or on the “outskirts” of major cities. They’ll most likely be high and watching “Loose Change”, “Zeitgiest”, “Zietgiest II”, or the Mel Gibson/Julia Roberts starrer “Conspiracy Theory”. If you find yourself stuck in a conversation with a CT, tell them you’re in law school, training to become a Politician. They’ll assume you’re part of “the program”, and shut up faster than a whore at a cock party.
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Also Known As: The Useless Debater, Lie-Loving Larry, The 9/11 Fanster, They’re After Me, Theo Theory, Ballsack Face, Gullible’s Travels

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Filed under annoying people, conspiracy, friends, internet

#49 The Facebook Parent

Mom.  Not Cool.

Mom. Not Cool.

There’s only one thing worse than social networking, and that’s social networking when you’re old. It’s enough that every person I’ve ever been aquatinted with can now view pictures of me and write on my “wall” — but the day that Mom and Dad enter this equation….I’m about ready to give up on the internet.

There was once a time when moving out of the house meant you were a grown adult, capable of leading your own independent life. But thanks to the Facebook Parent, your life has become their wallpaper.

parents-on-facebook3

And why not. They only have three friends total. You, your sister, and that dude Steve that lives down the block. And Steve’s a dick.

The Facebook Parent is the over-intrusive, “Jewish Mother” of the internet. They are invasive and overbearing, but through the help of countless Friendster sites, are able to view your private details with very little snooping around. They used to have to ransack your room for no-nos when you went off to summer camp, but thanks to your stoner buddy, she can now see you holding a joint in your recently tagged pictures.

The Facebook Parent can be found in increasing numbers across the internet — their uncomfortable presence gaining momentum due to Facebook’s exponential “laming” process. You’ll find the FP concentrated largely in suburbia, and generally of the Mom (female) variety. Dad’s will more frequently use their previledge as FP to scour their son/daughter’s Friends for “hot chicks” and reminisce about the days when he used to get pussy.

But all is not lost, young Facebook apprentice. Thankfully, there is still a large facet of Parents that don’t know how to turn on the computer. Pray that your Parent is one of them. And if worst comes to worst, you can do what I did: Declining your Mom’s friend invite. Look Mom, I didn’t want it to have to come down to this, but you forced my hand. We are family, not friends. And I don’t want you writing on any of my walls.
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Also Known As: Myspace Mom, Jewish Mother 2.0, We’re Friends AND Family, Inspector Parent, The Worst Thing Ever, The Facebook Flaw

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Filed under annoying people, family, friends, internet, old people, parents

#46 The Empty Brita Jerk

If the nachos are stuck together, that's one nacho.

I thought you liked it empty.

One step below “The Guy That Steps In Dog Shit And Drags It Into Your Apartment” sits The Empty Brita Jerk. And they’re silently waiting to steal that last precious sip of decency.

Perhaps one of the most universally despised members of the Idiot Pants Party, the Brita Jerk follows one self-functioning rule: put the Brita jug back in the fridge immediately after use, without exception. Even if the only thing left in it is those little black pebbles floating on the bottom, they will put it back on that shelf as quickly as a fat person restocking their Twinkie supply.

Sure it’s “rude”, but that’s not really an accurate description of the Brita Jerk (or simply, the BJ). I would call it more of a “dick move”. But don’t fear, the BJ is no stranger to pulling a quick dick move. They run in the same school of thought as people that double dip chips, put expired milk back in the fridge, and bum your last cigarette. It’s not that they don’t get the rules, they just don’t give a shit.

empty britaPerhaps the most notable characteristic of the BJ is their illusiveness. You may leave your living room for only a few minutes and return to find an empty canteen and no leads. And that’s because the BJ could be anyone. A friend, family member, roommate, guest — hell, anyone too lazy to walk two feet to the sink and wait 30 seconds to fill it up could be the culprit. (The Stoner is a notorious BJ).

Frequently, the BJ will be a male in their late teens to early 30s, and unmarried. This is not to say that married people are BJ-free, but lets just say, it’s much less frequent. Just like their sex lives. A new study conducted by The Anti-Brita Jerk Association found that people from New Jersey are ten times less likely to fill up the Brita — a fact credited to their lethargic reliance on having their gas pumped for them.

If you do indeed catch a BJ in the act, your best bet would be to enact a “Fridge Ban”, whereas they are officially uninvited to partake in any and everything that comes or goes into said fridge (including beer). After enacting such a ban, you will find that your cupeth doth overflow.
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Also Known As: The Brita Bandit, Empty Stockings, The No Refill Friend, JD McNugent, I Don’t Fill, “If The Nachos Are Stuck Together, That’s One Nacho”, The Canteen Culprit

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Filed under annoying people, food, friends, new jersey

#44 The Chinese Symbol Tattoo

Round Eye

What They Think It Means: True Love. What It Actually Means: Stupid Round Eye

The Chinese Symbol Tattoo is the quintessential go-to tattoo of the 21st century. It’s immediately deep, incredibly profound. Not because you read somewhere that it means “honor”, but because everyone of your friends doesn’t understand what it means.

For the Chinese Symbol Tattoo (CST), that little doodle on their arm is proof that they are, in fact, better and smarter than you. They’re intellectual, world-class people. And just because they don’t understand something, doesn’t mean that they won’t get a tattoo of it. Because they will. They’ll get a whole freakin’ row of tattoos.

And really…what’s cooler than branding yourself with something that — five beers ago — meant absolutely nothing to you. Don’t you see how insightful it is? It’s like embracing other cultures, without the hassle of actually learning or doing anything.

Now, it’s important to note that this article is specifically talking about Caucasians, not Asians — the hamburger-eating Round Eyes that entrust Cleedus down at Lucky Tattoo to ink them up in Mandarin. These are the same people that think Outback Steakhouse is a good place to experience Australia, and order Dominos when they feel like eating Italian.

While they are in the same family as the Barbed-Wire Arm Tattoo and the Tattoo Freak, the CST is by far the most powerful of the needle-based junkies. They’ve tapped into that rare fringe market — male and female twenty-somethings that want a cool tattoo, but don’t have anything in mind. So they settle for one that means something to someone else.

So then, why do it? The answer is simple. The CST loves the fact that you have to ask them what it means. It practically pays for itself in ego stroking!

And really, what’s cooler than a permanent reminder that you don’t speak Chinese? If you happen to come across a Chinese Symbol tattoo (which you undoubtably will), give them a little scare. Tell them you speak Mandarin, and that their tattoo actually means “a whale’s vagina”.
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Also Known As: Lost in Translation, The Chinese Star, It Means “Douche”, The Cultural Tat, Bing Bing Herro Prease, The Poo Poo Platter

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Filed under body, friends, idiot accessories, IdiotPantsParty, tattoo, trendy

#37 The Political Buzzkill

Having a good time?  Let's talk Politics!

Having a good time? Let's talk Politics!

While everyone at the party is getting drunk and having a good time, the Political Buzzkill has only one objective in mind: find that buzz and kill it.

There are two unspoken rules in the world of drinking: Don’t pass out with your shoes on, and Don’t talk about politics. The rules are simple. They’re here to keep order. The shoe rule establishes “writing on” criteria and the politics rule is there to keep out belligerent arguing in a jovial atmosphere.

But that’s what the Political Buzzkill feeds off of. Arguing their views at the expense of others. “Who are you voting for?”, “Gosh. Hilary was SO much more qualified.” “I don’t know about you, but I can’t take four more years!”

They are the quintessential annoying drunk. They don’t understand that drinking is about fun and escapism, or that people don’t like them. Like an Abortion Doctor speaking at a Pro-Life convention, they seek out arguements and insist on fighting them. They’re divisive. They don’t bring up politics to discuss it, they bring it up to tell you what’s “right”.

A minute ago, we were all having a good time together. But with the help of the PB, the room is now miraculously divided into Red, Blue, and Mexicans. It’s like Moses parting the Red Wine Sea, only no one’s having any fun.

“Did you hear what Palin said? Oh my god, she is so unqualified!” No, I didn’t. I was macking it to this hot chick until you rolled over here. And now my game is dead because she thinks I’m friends with your ultra-liberal ass.

You can find the Political Buzzkill at any party, bar, or social gathering. Much like their cousin the Carlos Mencia, they are part of the Succubus Family, and feed off of harshing people’s mellow. They may appear to be normal and even-keeled — they may even party like it’s Spring Break. But when they open their mouth, make sure you have an extra sock to stuff into it.

As we get closer and closer to the November election, the prevalence of the PB will increase to epic-ly shitty proportions. You may want to just lock yourself in your home with a bottle of Jack. If you are so bold to venture out, carry an extra pair of cotton socks. Just in case they bring their Fiancee.
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Also Known As: Assholes, Drunky McRepublican, The Political Talker, Palin’s Proverbs, Buzz Killington, Jehova’s Witnesses Meets Whiskey, The Political Party Party, Annoying Drunks

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#34 The High-Angle MySpace Slut

Tittays
High Angle MySpace Sluts (or HAMS, as they’re referred to by worried mothers, pornographic casting agencies, and anyone else scouring the internet for teenage ingenues) are a slew of females who find the best way to show off their beauty is through a square-inch photo placed in some sort of networking website. I use the term slew in describing this sub-species because, ironically, these girls have been ridden more times than Triple Crown winner Seattle Slew.

This particular photo, no matter how small, possesses one key trait: a self-shot photograph from a high angle, preferably close-up. Research has shown the popularity of this particular angle is due to the false belief that it makes the subject much thinner. But if one was to consult their medical physician or common sense, they’ll quickly learn that fat is fat. You can’t take the bone out of the chicken.

HAMS use the high-angle pose in accordance with two key physical traits, sucking in the cheeks and cocking the head downward (note how it’s only natural for the words “sucking” and “cocking” to exist when describing HAMS). HAMS feel these traits let their audience, mainly 10th grade chemistry teachers, know they are (A) easy and (B) attractive. But mainly easy.

Moons Over My Hammy

Moons Over My Hammy

HAMS have become highly controversial in recent years, with the increases in both teenage pregnancy and the sale of glittery lip gloss being direct results. HAMS have always been hip to inner circles of popular social groups because of their affinity for swallowing anything, be it e-pills or another man’s babies. Such popularity has forced the entertainment business to embrace this sub-sect, with several spokespeople displaying this way of life, mainly Tila Tequila or any contestant associated with all things broadcasted on VH-1.

HAMS can be found at any social function where mind-altering drugs are being handed out, especially low-lit places where their looks are manipulated for the better. These social functions include but aren’t limited to public school janitor closets, BEBE back-to-school sales, and bukkake parties.

If ever approached by HAMS, please understand that the low-lighting has created the illusion of natural beauty. Also, don’t act surprised to see their hair gel has morphed a once cute hairdo into a plastic dreadlock-dental floss texture. Finally, be sure to keep a pack of profolactics on your person and a bottle of Listerine in your car, as it is almost guaranteed that HAMS have the gum disease gingivitis.

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: Ballrats, Teenage Wasteland, The Big Easies, Our next guest on today’s show, Millenial Hoes, Who Are You Kidding, Digital Cam Tramp, The Jilted Quicker Picker Upper Mounty, Kid Sister
Related: The Reality Show Contestant, The Fake Friend

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