Tag Archives: guys

#51 The Guy-Liner

One small step for Makeup.  One giant leap backwards for Mankind.

One small step for Makeup. One giant leap backwards for Mankind.

The guy in eyeliner has become a sudden hit among heterosexual men mainly because of the social acceptance of other feminine styles, specifically faux-hawks and painted fingernails (thank Carson Daly for that one, folks). Guy-Liner, as he’s commonly labeled, is usually a very typical modern man, equipped with a good education, a full-time job, and some social skills. Unfortunately such qualities are quickly discarded once eyeliner’s applied and the once normal person is a verified piece of shit.

The basic appearance of Guy-Liner is the heavy eye shadow usually correlated solely to prostitutes and battered wives. The eyeliner is then combined with a strange choice of wardrobe, with a heavy focus on the choice of fingerless gloves and a scarf to match (both worn only in summer). Guy-Liner also finds solace in other rebellious, edgy activities, including vampire role-playing and seeing Twilight in theatres despite being old enough to drive and not having any younger siblings.

guyliner-43751The reasons for this choice of make-up have not been fully explained, but one can associate Guy-Liner’s eccentric eye shadow with the popularity of Pete Wentz, Hot Topic, and the 21st century ideal that “it’s OK to be a pussy” (again, see Pete Wentz). Guy-Liner’s real purpose in using this make-up is to tell his female constituents he’s sensitive and artistic while also letting his male counterparts know it’s ok to knock his jaw loose. Guy-Liner differs from the Goth craze of the early 80s and the industrial scene in today’s music, favoring the sounds of Darude’s “Sandstorm” over The Cure.

Guy-Liner can be found in any major city where the social circuits revolve around the underbelly of clubbing, mainly Miami and New York. Guy-Liner loves to stay in the dark, part of his mysterious appearance, but also because he understands how unattractive and pathetic he looks with such make-up on. Please note — users, abusers, and narcs — there’s a high chance of Guy-Liner’s pockets being stuffed with Special K, Ecstasy, and tissues (the latter being a necessity to stop his eye shadow from running every time he cries due to rejection and/or a deserved beat down), so please rush the fool when you see him.

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: Eye-Van The Terrible, The Shadow, Ghoulie Groupie, Black Eye Wack Guy, My Chemical Blow-mance, Jared Leto, The Man Makeup

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Filed under annoying people, clothes, douche, emo, face, idiot accessories, los angeles, new york city

#43 The Fantasy Football Fanatic

It's like I'm actually part of the team!

It's almost as real as beating off to porn!

Since when was it socially acceptable for a grown-man to watch football on Sunday with a laptop propped on his thighs? This question is one of the many asked while observing the internet’s latest product, the Fantasy Football Fanatic AKA F3s.

Other questions include, “why would a grown man live out his life vicariously through an offensive line?” Or even worse, “why would an adult let his life be consumed by the stats of a newly acquired placeholder?” These questions are just part of the enigma that are Fantasy Football Fans, a group immensely growing in numbers while ironically, their cocks shrink.

“Irony” is the proper term for this pathetic culture of loserdom. The F3 is a big proponent of all things masculine: reading FHM, doping drinks with GHP, and shopping at GNC. All in all, F3 lives in a fantasy world (obvious by his name). But on Sunday, all that masculinity culminates to a couch cushion in order to perform the least manly thing possible: watch television and let a computer tally up statistics. F3 plops himself on the couch for an arduous day of nothing but potential bragging rights at the water cooler tomorrow. In doing so, he has become the perfect example of the pussification of the American male.

Whereas only 10 years ago, adult males would enter the workplace on Monday morning to trade stories about who’s penis went where over the weekend or about how much property damage they caused — today’s men meet at the water cooler to boast about who traded up for Ricky Waters prior to Sunday afternoon*.

Even more stupendous than their pussification is the event they hold just before their 5-month internet hard-on. I’m referring to the Fantasy Football Draft, which, if some of you aren’t familiar, is the equivalent of the motivational huddle fluffers create the first day of shooting on a gay-porn set.

Spotting an F3 is one of the easiest tasks to master. For one, F3 outfits are as uniform as the referees they’ve come to detest. By sporting their favorite football team’s home jersey or t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants, the F3 announces to the general public that A) I’m a huge fan of Eli Manning and B) I’ve abandoned self-confidence and have given up caring about my place in society.

Secondly, all F3s congregate in the same place: their homes. There once was a time where F3s wandered planet Earth like the husky dog in heat. But much like the husky breed, they’ve been neutered, trading in their natural ways for a fat, domesticated life on the couch. Nonetheless, an enticing menu of chicken wings and boobs can get F3s out of the house, but the lack of internet access hinders their social behavior. And while you’re trying to kick it to a pair of slutty Chargers fans, your F3 “Wingman” will be too busy texting his buddy Karl to hit the refresh button, and update him on their fantasy league.

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: Tim Couch, Peyton Not-a-Manning, Warren Goon, Warren Sappy, Mean Joe Recliner, Robert DeNiro in The Fan, Season Ticket/Dick Holder

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Filed under entertainment, friends, internet, sports