Tag Archives: idiot accessories

#63 The Shitter Graffiti Artist

Picasso would be proud

Picasso would be proud

Most people think of public restrooms as a “last resort shit depository” — the filthy, regrettable step between pooping one’s pants and playing the “How Long Can I Hold It” Game. It’s a place where homeless people go to have sex and where the walls inexplicably are covered in a doody sprinkles. Simply put, it’s the worst.

But to the Shitter Graffitti Artist, this is art school. That toilet seat is a beautiful blank canvas — a brownish-yellow stained platform through which they can truly express themselves. That’s not just a plastic ass-holder, it’s a circular shrine to artistic integrity.

Sure, it’s regularly urinated on. But that doesn’t matter. Urine and feces don’t phase the SGA — the feed off of it. In fact, that toilet is surrounded on four sides by walls which could have just as easily been graffitied. But no! They chose the toilet seat itself — the throne, the porcelain palace. This is where the SGA shines.

After all, what speaks louder than carving your name into where people put their colon? If you answered “nothing”, then you’re starting to understand. It’s about respect, recognition. That carving technique they learned in Shawshank State Penitentiary can finally reach the wide audience they dreamed about while sharpening shivs on Cell Block E. It’s finally happening for them.

idiotsNow, I should pause to clarify. The Shitter Graffitti Artist is not to be confused with the equally mindless Toilet Seat Decorator (seen on the right). The main difference between these two fecalfeliacs is that the Toilet Seat Decorator spends hours upon hours gluing seashells or other “quaint” objects to toilet seats, while the Shitter Graffiti Artist spends a few panicked seconds carving “RALFIE” onto a piss-stained restroom. Other than that, the two are quite similar — both share what scientists have identified as the I.D.I.O.T. Gene (or in medical terminology, the “I Decorate Insanity On Toilets” Gene).

The SAG is largely of the male persuasion, as women have an intense fear of toilet seats (hence, the development of “the squat”). It is also more prevalent among males who are not incredibly sexually active, as if they were, they’d spend their time talking to women instead of touching public toilets. The SAG can be found in most truck stops and bars around the country, generally concentrated in areas where the aforementioned “vagina” is lacking.
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Also Known As: The Mona Loser, The Restroom Renaissance Man, Doodyfingers, What Germs?, The Toilet Seat Smithsonian, Port-O-Painter, You Should Really Get A Hobby, Picasso’s Plumber

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Filed under annoying people, awful, douche, stink, wtf?

#60 The Sparkle Tits Debutante

Hey Becky, before we hit the club, I just need to stop at Michaels real quick

Hey Becky, before we hit the club, I just need to stop at Michaels real quick

As if jiggling boobs popping out of a shirt wasn’t enough, the Sparkle Tits Debutante (or STD for short) is the chick that goes the extra distance to ensure her funbags get noticed by absolutely everyone in the room. To guarantee this, she’s plastered her melons with a fresh layer of sparkles so thick it would make a stripper have seizures.

Most Sparkle Tit Debutantes are attention-seekers and HAMS. They thrive in bars, clubs, and places where disco balls spin and cocaine is blown. In these locales, STDs will commonly employ “the booby trap” — a deadly trick used to ensnare potential mates on par with that of the Praying Mantis. The trap is initiated by said STD speaking in low volumes, so that when you lean in for a closer listen, her boob-sparkle gets all on your shirt. If this happens, you’ve been “marked”. At this point, you’re best bet is to just give in and start motorboating.

glitter2While some Sparkle Tits may be using the glitter to compensate for their ugly face or larger midsection, it’s important to note that this is only a small percentage of the STD market. Most STDs apply a heavy layers of glitter simply because they crave the attention — many are quite attractive, with supple breasts. But normal attention won’t cut it — for these women are the “Anti-Femme“. They toss aside the normal notion of “eyes up here, Mister”, and replace it with an open invite. Whether your a latino gangbanger with a fresh Chico Stash or just an Average Joe guzzling down a Bud Diesel — feel free to feast your eyes on those shimmering milk balloons. No boob-attention is too much for the STD, and any attention going to other girls in the room brings out what Doctors call “the crazy eyes”.

These traits are obvious warning signs for “nuts” and sluttiness, of course. Actresses, bartenders, and strippers are the most obvious carriers of the STD gene (and also of STDs in general), so know what you are getting yourself into. Sparkle Tit Debutantes can be found in large concentrations in the Los Angeles, Miami, and New York bar scenes, especially during the summer months as this is when they truely shine. Also, an abnormal amount of STDs may be found in Las Vegas, and it’s underachieving counterpart Reno.

It’s also important to note that this Sparkle Tit trait does not exclusively belong to the female gender — males may also possess this STD gene, but in place of Sparkles, use large SUVs and expensive materialist goods. ie – You may see a small bald man driving a huge, shiny Hummer — this is his “sparkle tits”, and it’s most likely compensating for his small genitals.
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Also Known As: Glitter Goblins, The Titty Show, Circus Peanuts, “New York” from Flava of Love, Shinatown, The Booby Trap, Glitter Tats, Community Chest
Related: The Fake Boob, The Drunk Girl Horror Show

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Filed under boobs, chicks, college, idiot accessories

#57 The Non-Tribal Tribesmen

African Tribal Lady, meet White Male From Milwaukee

Keta from the Anlo-Ewe Tribe, meet Mike From Milwaukee


There was once a time where you had to take a safari to a remote village in Africa to view what is known by anthropologists as “distending discs”, or in simple Americana: “that shit that you put in your skin to make it stretched out”.

But thanks to the popularity of anti-depressants, skateboarding culture, and Chris Angel, we now have the pleasure of seeing these Non-Tribal Tribesman right on our city block. That dude with an ear gauge the size of a fist in both of his ear lobes sure is cool! And check out the chick with metal staples in her cheeks!! Bring that sexy back, sista!

Extra napkin ring

Extra napkin ring

These “Inverse Earings” have become quite the rage, despite the fact that they make the hole in your ear bigger and bigger, as opposed to say, staying the same and hanging pretty things off of it. Forget the fact that in 10 years, your earlobes might look like a sleeve of a wizard. Much like the Fake Boob, it’s all about the now. And how!

And I’m all for it. Many people have made jokes about having sex with a person’s ear. To the Tribesman, this is a plausible reality. That gauging hole in their ear is yet another orifice to call your own. Make it yours. Need an extra napkin ring? Done. Just borrow their ear-ring, and return it after your done.

It is important to point out that despite their name, the Tribesmen can be both male and female. And also even those hermy-looking peeps that fit somewhere between. Regardless of gender, many of them have noted that the children’s song “Do Your Ears Hang Low” was a super-cool song when they were kids.

The Non-Tribal Tribesman can be found in anywhere, although large populations have sprung up in the Los Angeles, San Diego, and New York City areas. Contrary to their African precursors, the Tribesman is more likely to be found in a densely populated area. As this allows them to find more Tribesman, with whom they play “Who can make their hole the biggest?” The person that looses has to eat the ookie cookie.
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Also Known As: Poppa Piercing, Ear Vagina, Dumbo, The Ear Plug Fug, Earrings 2.0, The Foot Fist Way, Windsock Willy

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#55 The Shell Necklace Sally

Who knew sea shells could be so darn cool!!!

Who knew sea shells could be so darn cool!!!

The Shell Necklace is the male equivalent to the “pearl necklace”. And I don’t mean the shiny kind that comes from an oyster. I mean the kind that comes from a man’s weiner. And if you’re a male wearing a puka shell necklace, then you might as well go cover yourself in splooge, because that’s the message you’re giving off.

First originating in Polynesian islands as a traditional cultural garb, the shell necklace has since been adopted by yuppie white males as a tight-fitting fashion accessory. Said Polynesian tribesman are currently rolling over in their graves.

The Shell Necklace Sally is a douchebag in the most literal sense. They embody all typical douchebag traits, but then magnify this by, as Emril says, “kicking it up a notch“. Frosted tips, tight-fitting t-shirts flared with writing and graphics, thumb rings, ankle braclets, a fake surfer intonation — you name it. If it’s douchey and faggy, the Shell Necklace Sally will soak it up like a coral sponge.

Shell Necklace SallypantsThe next obvious question is “why?“. To answer this fully takes research and lab tests well beyond the reach of Idiot Pants Party. But I will offer this simple answer: the soft white tones of the shell and the firm fit around his slender neck reminds the Shell Necklace Sally of his very own deep, rich, whiteness. It is a metaphor for being a Caucasian — of taking someone’s heritage and making it worse, making it crackified.

You can find the Shell Necklace Sally at any and every tourist gift shop near major beach areas, as well as at yuppie megastores like Abercrombie and Fitch or American Eagle. Teens and youths are more susceptible to shell necklaces, as their life experiences have not yet told them how fucking lame these necklaces are.

There may be a disproportionate ratio of Shell Necklace Sallys (and/or Puka Shell Nancys) near Spring Break destinations, as this tight white choker is a clear message that there are some fratty d-bags ready to do a case race. They will be shirtless, rowdy, and most likely in packs of 5 (as this is the maximum capacity you can jam into a Jeep Wrangler). If you see a SNS drinking on the beach, you should enhance their Spring Break experience by reporting them to your nearest Police authority. They will be undoubtably underage and will enjoy the fresh pearl necklace that Prisoner Pedro gives them in their holding cell.
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Also Known As: Puka Paul, The Luau Loser, The Shell Necklace Nancy, Gay For Pay, I Like White, The Caucasian Choker

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#52 The Chico Stash

This mustache ruined my career!

This mustache ruined my career!

If you’ve ever noticed a man with a mustache so thin — so utterly disgusting and ratty — that you gagged and/or vomited on the spot, this is most likely the stylish workings of the Chico Stash.

The notoriously grotesque Chico Stash was originally made popular by Ralph Macchio in “My Cousin Vinny” (see above), but since has spread like herpes across a wide demographic of socially inept males. The most prevalent of these facets is within the Latino and Mexican tribes, as this smattering of loose facial hair is seen as a point of pride. You may also notice African American youths have incorporated the Chico Stash (or simply “the C-mo“) into their bag of tricks, with the neccessary accessory being a straight-brimmed hat with the sticker still on it.

Chico StashNow, it is vital to point out that the Chico Stash is also hugely popular with prebuescent boys, as these scattered brown-and-curlys on their upper lip projects a clear message to all the ladies in the room: “yeah bitches, my balls are mid-drop”. And to these sprouting youths, I wish an honest congratulations. (now seriously, shave that goddamn thing off your face).

The Chico Stash can be found almost anywhere in the country, although border towns with Mexico will find a disproportionate C-mo population. The CS will most likely be combined with: [if Mexican] a button-down shirt, with only the top button fastened; [if Latino] Chico Sideburns (aka the Toothpick Burns) that thinly wander down the side of the face; or [if a prepubescent boy] semen stains on their pants.

In rare instances, the Chico Stash may be found on a woman (this is known as “the Chica Stash”). Such women are typically homely and unkempt. Many Chicas also enjoy the habit of wearing bathing suits with a solid portion of pubic hair sneaking out from under the cloth. This is known as “disgusting”.

For those that are confused, there IS a difference between the notorious “Dirty Sanchez” mustache and that of the Chico Stash — namely the presence, or lack of, feces. Typically, men who like Chico Stashes are also huge fans of sodomy, so it may actually be a combination of both.

If you see Chico Stash, try not to vomit. Remain calm and keep eye contact on the ground. If you, or one of your loved ones, start to grow their own Chico Stash, do not panic. There is help. Have them call “the No-Mo Chico Hotline” at 1-800-822-6235. And may god have mercy on their upper lip.
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Also Known As: The Statutory Stash, Dirty Upper Lip, The C-mo, Public Pubes, The Rat Tail, Baby’s First Mustache, The Macchio Mistake
Related: The Pencil Chinstap

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Filed under douche, face, haircuts, idiot accessories, los angeles, mustache, trashy

#51 The Guy-Liner

One small step for Makeup.  One giant leap backwards for Mankind.

One small step for Makeup. One giant leap backwards for Mankind.

The guy in eyeliner has become a sudden hit among heterosexual men mainly because of the social acceptance of other feminine styles, specifically faux-hawks and painted fingernails (thank Carson Daly for that one, folks). Guy-Liner, as he’s commonly labeled, is usually a very typical modern man, equipped with a good education, a full-time job, and some social skills. Unfortunately such qualities are quickly discarded once eyeliner’s applied and the once normal person is a verified piece of shit.

The basic appearance of Guy-Liner is the heavy eye shadow usually correlated solely to prostitutes and battered wives. The eyeliner is then combined with a strange choice of wardrobe, with a heavy focus on the choice of fingerless gloves and a scarf to match (both worn only in summer). Guy-Liner also finds solace in other rebellious, edgy activities, including vampire role-playing and seeing Twilight in theatres despite being old enough to drive and not having any younger siblings.

guyliner-43751The reasons for this choice of make-up have not been fully explained, but one can associate Guy-Liner’s eccentric eye shadow with the popularity of Pete Wentz, Hot Topic, and the 21st century ideal that “it’s OK to be a pussy” (again, see Pete Wentz). Guy-Liner’s real purpose in using this make-up is to tell his female constituents he’s sensitive and artistic while also letting his male counterparts know it’s ok to knock his jaw loose. Guy-Liner differs from the Goth craze of the early 80s and the industrial scene in today’s music, favoring the sounds of Darude’s “Sandstorm” over The Cure.

Guy-Liner can be found in any major city where the social circuits revolve around the underbelly of clubbing, mainly Miami and New York. Guy-Liner loves to stay in the dark, part of his mysterious appearance, but also because he understands how unattractive and pathetic he looks with such make-up on. Please note — users, abusers, and narcs — there’s a high chance of Guy-Liner’s pockets being stuffed with Special K, Ecstasy, and tissues (the latter being a necessity to stop his eye shadow from running every time he cries due to rejection and/or a deserved beat down), so please rush the fool when you see him.

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: Eye-Van The Terrible, The Shadow, Ghoulie Groupie, Black Eye Wack Guy, My Chemical Blow-mance, Jared Leto, The Man Makeup

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Filed under annoying people, clothes, douche, emo, face, idiot accessories, los angeles, new york city

#48 The Chubby Guy w/ Shorts in the Winter

Shorts in snow!  What a rebel!!

Shorts in Snow! What a rebel!!

The Fat Guy Who Wears Shorts in the Winter, he’s been seen by almost everyone and almost everyone’s glad they aren’t him when they see him. Of course, I refer to the portly gentleman who thinks he’s braving a whole new world by wearing shorts (mesh, cargo, or tropical) in January. The air remains frigid and the grass remains rock hard, but the cankles get displayed for the next 2 months.

Rationality, logic, common sense—a chubby man in shorts in the dead of winter retains none of these things. Instead, chubby dude in shorts ironically pursues a more image-driven lifestyle, hoping that he’ll turn some female heads in his direction for his daring use of choice bottoms, rather than his typical trademark: barbecue sauce on his cheeks despite it being 9am.

Chubby Dude in Shorts wants to get noticed for his courageous choice of clothing rather than getting noticed for sweating while reading. But by no means should one direct any sympathy his way. Chubby guy has friends and he’s popular in certain social circles, but his over-zealous attitude requires him to make his mark in the winter. He needs to be seen and needs to brag to everyone that despite his backwards hat, he’s an original breed of man, hence, the shorts.

chubbyshortsinwinter2Unfortunately Chubby Dude in Shorts in the Dead of Winter needs to realize that once he wears these shorts, he’s forced to wear them any time the temperature is exactly the same or warmer than that particular day when he first wore them. Failure to do so results in finger pointing followed by the word “fag” repeated by all passer-bys.

Chubby Guy can be found on all US college campuses, or wherever there are cold days and high unemployment rates for soft Caucasians; and by that I mean Cincinnati. The Chubby Dude in Shorts in the Dead of Winter is only recognized in this one season. But even if you do not see him in the distance, chubby dude can be heard within earshot due to his infatuation with public acoustic guitar playing. On campuses, the chubby gip will play a guitar in the quad but will pertain his musical playlist to Dave Matthews Band and acoustic covers of popular hip-hop anthems (Gin and Juice and Boyz In Da Hood come to mind). Other specific attributes of this chubby guy in shorts include tardiness and scholastic failure.

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: Martin Shorts, Cold Yet Bold, Cool as Ice…Cream, Winter Weezer, Cold Blooded with Cankles, The Sweaty Guy From Microbiology 112.

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Filed under clothes, college, douche, fat, idiot accessories