Tag Archives: kids

#38 The CGI Fanatical Animation Grown-up

I <em>totally</em> connect with this movie!

Holy Kenobi! I totally connect with this movie!

You’d think that with the overwhelming popularity of the UFC, and the continuing casting callbacks Nicolas Cage receives, American males would be bursting with masculinity. Sadly, that’s not the case, and we’re stuck with a specific sub-culture of American male 20-somethings: The Computer Generated Image Fanatical Animation Grown-up, or simply, the CGI FAG. This group consists of young adults with a penchant for slip-on shoes, shorts in the winter, and using the phrase “draining the lizard” in regards to urination.

CGI FAGs are a pathetic group: grown men whose nostalgia for childhood ekes out through viewing Disney Pixar flicks in the theatre (and also wearing Nintendo-themed t-shirts). The key characteristic behind CGI FAGs isn’t that they frequent the theatre but that they do so without a date. It’s understandable that men would watch a cartoon movie just for a chance at sex. After all, it’s a known fact that men will lower themselves to standards not too far from panhandling, just for a chance to have a protuberance touch something warm and moist.

But with CGI FAGs there’s only one goal: to enjoy the bright colors and wacky sounds a bunch of Asian computer technicians smoothly fused together for 90 minutes. And by no means is that worth 12 dollars on a sunny Saturday afternoon.

I destroy movies, but empower F.A.G.s!

George Lucas: I destroy movies, but inspire F.A.G.s!

A key element to this pathetic group is the self-awareness they possess. CGI FAGs are just like the guy who owns the album Justified; he relishes in his folly but doesn’t do a thing to correct the error. They realize what they’re doing is a major let down to their gender, a gender so noble and admirable that it’s synonymous with Genghis Khan, Ernest Hemingway, and the lead singer of late-90s alt-rock band Semisonic (rumor has it he hosts lavish coke parties somewhere in Minneapolis, hence it’s never “Closing Time”).

When viewing a line of CGI FAGs at the nearest movie theatre, one will see a line of white faces. Not since Duran Duran’s 1984 Seven and The Ragged Tiger Tour has there been as long a line consisting of nothing but soft, effeminate white guys. It’s imperative that one realizes CGI FAGs are almost always white, with the occasional Philippino peppered in the crowd. But since American white guys invaded the Philippines at the end of the 19th century, it’s safe to place blame at Honkey’s doorstep.

CGI FAGs can be found in any popular American city with multiplexes, but have a heavy foundation in the Southern California area, due to Los Angeles being the epicenter of filmmaking and the state of California’s legalization of medicinal marijuana. If coming across a CGI FAG, feel free to run their pockets, as they will probably have a decent amount of raspberry Kush and will clearly be too thundabaked to fight back. Plus, they’ll be focused on seeing Wall-E for the fifth time, and will not have sufficient energy to do anything but buy a jumbo tub of buttered popcorn, and of course, tickle their balls.

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: The Animated Movie Adult (AMA), Toys R’ Us Kid, Finding Emo, Virgin and a Movie, The Rated G Grown-Up

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Filed under entertainment, friends, kids, los angeles, movies, parents, technology

#2 The Over-Encouraging Parent

It\'s so good when it hits your lips
If you’ve ever smoked weed with your friend’s parents, than you know the Over Encouraging Parent.

They are eager to push their child to experience it all, no matter what the age or maturity level. They want their kids to be the first and the best — the trailblazer among their peers. The Prom Queen and Party King.

This type of Parent is ready, at any moment, to scream “Don’t tell my child what they can’t do!”. And don’t you dare. Because they will throw up fisticuffs and fight you on the spot. In front of their kids. They’ll break your nose and chalk it up as “positive reinforcement”.

Smoking BabyAt the core of every Over-Encouraging Parent is the internal struggle with their own deteriorating age, and the burning desire to “stay cool”. You will find them buying beer for their teenage kids and their friends, often allowing them unrestricted use of the house to throw parties and “score chicks”. The only catch: Dad might come downstairs and have a few beers. Well, he actually might get drunk. But again, positive reinforcement.

Unfortunately, said Parents tend to be generally laughed at by their Child’s peers, and are used solely to procure alcohol and for an extra hand during kegstands. They are similarly scoffed at by fellow Parents — regarded as “those folks” or “shitheads“.

And often, the Child that has been so dearly encouraged — so fervently pushed towards maturity — turns out to be an drunk, age-fearing moron. Just like their Parents.
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Also Known As: The “I’m Still Hip” Parent, The Drinking Dad, Bad Parents, The Old Age Sage, The Buy Me Beer Parenteer

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