Tag Archives: los angeles

#52 The Chico Stash

This mustache ruined my career!

This mustache ruined my career!

If you’ve ever noticed a man with a mustache so thin — so utterly disgusting and ratty — that you gagged and/or vomited on the spot, this is most likely the stylish workings of the Chico Stash.

The notoriously grotesque Chico Stash was originally made popular by Ralph Macchio in “My Cousin Vinny” (see above), but since has spread like herpes across a wide demographic of socially inept males. The most prevalent of these facets is within the Latino and Mexican tribes, as this smattering of loose facial hair is seen as a point of pride. You may also notice African American youths have incorporated the Chico Stash (or simply “the C-mo“) into their bag of tricks, with the neccessary accessory being a straight-brimmed hat with the sticker still on it.

Chico StashNow, it is vital to point out that the Chico Stash is also hugely popular with prebuescent boys, as these scattered brown-and-curlys on their upper lip projects a clear message to all the ladies in the room: “yeah bitches, my balls are mid-drop”. And to these sprouting youths, I wish an honest congratulations. (now seriously, shave that goddamn thing off your face).

The Chico Stash can be found almost anywhere in the country, although border towns with Mexico will find a disproportionate C-mo population. The CS will most likely be combined with: [if Mexican] a button-down shirt, with only the top button fastened; [if Latino] Chico Sideburns (aka the Toothpick Burns) that thinly wander down the side of the face; or [if a prepubescent boy] semen stains on their pants.

In rare instances, the Chico Stash may be found on a woman (this is known as “the Chica Stash”). Such women are typically homely and unkempt. Many Chicas also enjoy the habit of wearing bathing suits with a solid portion of pubic hair sneaking out from under the cloth. This is known as “disgusting”.

For those that are confused, there IS a difference between the notorious “Dirty Sanchez” mustache and that of the Chico Stash — namely the presence, or lack of, feces. Typically, men who like Chico Stashes are also huge fans of sodomy, so it may actually be a combination of both.

If you see Chico Stash, try not to vomit. Remain calm and keep eye contact on the ground. If you, or one of your loved ones, start to grow their own Chico Stash, do not panic. There is help. Have them call “the No-Mo Chico Hotline” at 1-800-822-6235. And may god have mercy on their upper lip.
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Also Known As: The Statutory Stash, Dirty Upper Lip, The C-mo, Public Pubes, The Rat Tail, Baby’s First Mustache, The Macchio Mistake
Related: The Pencil Chinstap

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#47 The Hipster

It's Hip to be Square

It's Hip to be Square

Lead by an army of tight jeans, thick-rimmed glasses, fedoras, and scarves, the Hipster has a seemingly singular goal: don’t conform to what pop culture tells you is “cool”. Wear whatever you want. As long as it conforms to what other Hipsters tell you is cool.

Such is the dichotomy of Hipster culture. They are the uber-cool rebellion, the retro-hip stylistas of Generation X…but that “I don’t care” look takes careful, deliberate planning. They have to find ripped jeans and a black top hat to match their vintage Clash t-shirt. And that hand-woven scarf from Chelsea needs to match those patched-up denim jeans they bought from a boutique last week.

But don’t let their frail body structure fool you, the Hipster Nation is a force to be reckoned with. Popularity among white, wealthy, suburban twenty-somethings has nearly tripled in the last five years, leading to an increase in book clubs, “ironic” mustaches, and mop-top haircuts. Sales of Parliament Cigarettes and old school Chuck Taylors have seen similar spikes, all thanks to being “Hipster essentials”.

Hipsters use the sarcasm they garnered during their early 90s youth, but combine that with an irony they feel is synonymous with their culture. In other words, they’re so ironically sarcastic that they’re actually making a completely normal statement, they just roll their eyes when doing it.

Blue collar is so hip!

Blue collar is so hip!

They are self loathers. Despite their detest for “frat guys”, Hipsters love cheap beers (prime choices being Schafer and Pabst Blue Ribbon). They also prefer to shop at thrift stores and find inexpensive clothing. They hate designer clothes, yet are perfectly content with having their parents pay for their brownstone.

Key Hipster traits:

– Hipsters are ultra-PC, to the point that it’s politically incorrect to use the term “PC.”
– Hipsters think it’s cool that strangers can’t pinpoint their sexual orientation.
– Hipsters sweat low-fidelity rock music and any bands that doesn’t have more than 40 people in the crowd. The minute the band sells out a show at “Spaceland” in LA or “The Warsaw” in brooklyn, hipsters find the band completely shitty.
– Hipsters love ten speed bikes.
– Hipsters love V-neck t-shirts and poorly designed tattoos.
– Hipsters can’t dance but hide this lack of talent through frowns & tilted heads.
– Hipsters are content with being mugged. it doesn’t bother them ’cause it’s not their money (it’s daddy’s loot).

You’ll find the Hipster predominantly “chilling” in metropolitan areas. Namely, New York City and Los Angeles, with large pockets concentrated in Brooklyn and Los Feliz (respectively). You may notice the Hipster bumming a smoke outside cofee shops, at Costco buying bulk packs of plain white t-shirts, or if you’re a girl, borrowing your jeans.
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Also Known As: It’s Hip To Be Square, Dora the Fedora, Hipster Nation, That Dude With A Scarf, Too Cool For School, The New Emo
Related: The Metrosexual, The Emo Kid

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#40 The Sticker-on-Hat Guy


Nothing says “fresh” like a circular hologram sticker. And for the Sticker-on-Hat Guy, this is life. It’s his “Born On” date. And even the thought of removing that sticker causes a salty discharge from his tear duct.

The most important thing to know about the Hat Sticker Guy is this: the thing on his head is not just a hat, it’s a shrine. Like comic book nerds collecting first prints, or a cokehead trying to spread out his last 8-ball, the keyword is preservation. They need to keep that hat as new and untouched as the day they bought [or stole] it. So help them god.

That means the brim needs to be perfectly straight. The sticker needs to remain as it was on display — shiny, unblemished, and visible. And they when they wear the hat, it must barely even touch their head. Preferably, it will be hovering, cocked off to the side, and backwards.

Obviously, the next normal question is “why?” I mean, would you keep an XL sticker on your new pair of jeans or the wrapper on your condom? The answer, I imagine, is no. And why buy a hat if you’re going to be concerned about it’s safety and wellbeing? Why not just have a child instead?

But for the Sticker-On-Hat Guy, reason is not important. They don’t do it because they like it, they do it because they think other people will think it’s cool. They are your run-of-the-mill posers and copycats — the same people that bought Parachute Pants when MC Hammer hit it big.

Boyz 2 HatWhile the SOH is gaining large ground in the white, wigger community, it’s important to note that this style was introduced a long time ago by African Americans. Perhaps it’s first visible variance can be seen on the hat of Mike Bivins in Boyz II Men’s cross-platform hit “Motown Philly“.

It’s no sticker, but his signature “clothespin and price tag” look trail-blazed the way for all kinds of on-hat accessories.

Like baggy pants and rap music, this is one of the latest trends that white people have stolen from the black community and made douchey. Those largely responsible are the uber-white, New Jersey-style posers that rock a flat-brimmed Yankees or Mets hat.

If you know a Sticker-on-Hat Guy, there’s two ways to handle the situation: 1) Silently remove the sticker when they go to gel their hair into a blowout, or preferably, 2) Take his pristine hat and return it to the store for a full refund. Then use the money to buy yourself a 12 pack of Bud Diesel and #1 combo at Chick-Fil-A.
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Also Known As: The Hat Sticker Whore, On-Display Douchery, Dr. Seuss, It’s Cool To Keep The Tags On, Sticker Stanley, The White Bread Hat, Poppa Cap

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#38 The CGI Fanatical Animation Grown-up

I <em>totally</em> connect with this movie!

Holy Kenobi! I totally connect with this movie!

You’d think that with the overwhelming popularity of the UFC, and the continuing casting callbacks Nicolas Cage receives, American males would be bursting with masculinity. Sadly, that’s not the case, and we’re stuck with a specific sub-culture of American male 20-somethings: The Computer Generated Image Fanatical Animation Grown-up, or simply, the CGI FAG. This group consists of young adults with a penchant for slip-on shoes, shorts in the winter, and using the phrase “draining the lizard” in regards to urination.

CGI FAGs are a pathetic group: grown men whose nostalgia for childhood ekes out through viewing Disney Pixar flicks in the theatre (and also wearing Nintendo-themed t-shirts). The key characteristic behind CGI FAGs isn’t that they frequent the theatre but that they do so without a date. It’s understandable that men would watch a cartoon movie just for a chance at sex. After all, it’s a known fact that men will lower themselves to standards not too far from panhandling, just for a chance to have a protuberance touch something warm and moist.

But with CGI FAGs there’s only one goal: to enjoy the bright colors and wacky sounds a bunch of Asian computer technicians smoothly fused together for 90 minutes. And by no means is that worth 12 dollars on a sunny Saturday afternoon.

I destroy movies, but empower F.A.G.s!

George Lucas: I destroy movies, but inspire F.A.G.s!

A key element to this pathetic group is the self-awareness they possess. CGI FAGs are just like the guy who owns the album Justified; he relishes in his folly but doesn’t do a thing to correct the error. They realize what they’re doing is a major let down to their gender, a gender so noble and admirable that it’s synonymous with Genghis Khan, Ernest Hemingway, and the lead singer of late-90s alt-rock band Semisonic (rumor has it he hosts lavish coke parties somewhere in Minneapolis, hence it’s never “Closing Time”).

When viewing a line of CGI FAGs at the nearest movie theatre, one will see a line of white faces. Not since Duran Duran’s 1984 Seven and The Ragged Tiger Tour has there been as long a line consisting of nothing but soft, effeminate white guys. It’s imperative that one realizes CGI FAGs are almost always white, with the occasional Philippino peppered in the crowd. But since American white guys invaded the Philippines at the end of the 19th century, it’s safe to place blame at Honkey’s doorstep.

CGI FAGs can be found in any popular American city with multiplexes, but have a heavy foundation in the Southern California area, due to Los Angeles being the epicenter of filmmaking and the state of California’s legalization of medicinal marijuana. If coming across a CGI FAG, feel free to run their pockets, as they will probably have a decent amount of raspberry Kush and will clearly be too thundabaked to fight back. Plus, they’ll be focused on seeing Wall-E for the fifth time, and will not have sufficient energy to do anything but buy a jumbo tub of buttered popcorn, and of course, tickle their balls.

By Scott Glockholder
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Also Known As: The Animated Movie Adult (AMA), Toys R’ Us Kid, Finding Emo, Virgin and a Movie, The Rated G Grown-Up

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#37 The Political Buzzkill

Having a good time?  Let's talk Politics!

Having a good time? Let's talk Politics!

While everyone at the party is getting drunk and having a good time, the Political Buzzkill has only one objective in mind: find that buzz and kill it.

There are two unspoken rules in the world of drinking: Don’t pass out with your shoes on, and Don’t talk about politics. The rules are simple. They’re here to keep order. The shoe rule establishes “writing on” criteria and the politics rule is there to keep out belligerent arguing in a jovial atmosphere.

But that’s what the Political Buzzkill feeds off of. Arguing their views at the expense of others. “Who are you voting for?”, “Gosh. Hilary was SO much more qualified.” “I don’t know about you, but I can’t take four more years!”

They are the quintessential annoying drunk. They don’t understand that drinking is about fun and escapism, or that people don’t like them. Like an Abortion Doctor speaking at a Pro-Life convention, they seek out arguements and insist on fighting them. They’re divisive. They don’t bring up politics to discuss it, they bring it up to tell you what’s “right”.

A minute ago, we were all having a good time together. But with the help of the PB, the room is now miraculously divided into Red, Blue, and Mexicans. It’s like Moses parting the Red Wine Sea, only no one’s having any fun.

“Did you hear what Palin said? Oh my god, she is so unqualified!” No, I didn’t. I was macking it to this hot chick until you rolled over here. And now my game is dead because she thinks I’m friends with your ultra-liberal ass.

You can find the Political Buzzkill at any party, bar, or social gathering. Much like their cousin the Carlos Mencia, they are part of the Succubus Family, and feed off of harshing people’s mellow. They may appear to be normal and even-keeled — they may even party like it’s Spring Break. But when they open their mouth, make sure you have an extra sock to stuff into it.

As we get closer and closer to the November election, the prevalence of the PB will increase to epic-ly shitty proportions. You may want to just lock yourself in your home with a bottle of Jack. If you are so bold to venture out, carry an extra pair of cotton socks. Just in case they bring their Fiancee.
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Also Known As: Assholes, Drunky McRepublican, The Political Talker, Palin’s Proverbs, Buzz Killington, Jehova’s Witnesses Meets Whiskey, The Political Party Party, Annoying Drunks

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#28 The Reality Show Contestant

I want to be on TV!There was a time when it horrified the public to hear that guitar-legend Robert Johnson had sold his soul at the crossroads for Rock God status. Yet today, no one bats an eye when the Reality Show Contestant whores their soul out for a pack of American Spirits, a fresh strain of Herpes, and a slot on the latest installment of Bret Michael’s “Suck My Rocks IV”.

To the Reality Show Contestant, eating raw cow testicles and blowing some quasi-celebrity on screen is proof that they too are “celebrities”. This is key. The Reality Show Contestant’s desire to be famous follows a “no holds barred” strategy — they will do anything, screw anyone, and even disgrace their own family, to stay on the show.

Their ultimate goal: To get their own reality show. One where they can make someone else eat moose dick for their “love”. They’ve seen how Flavor of Love’s “New York”s borderline psychotic behavior got her her very own show. And they’ve seen Tila Tequila’s bi-sexual gangbang turn from MySpace Tweak to Reality Freak. These are dreams coming true, people.

“But why?” you ask. “Why would someone make their own Grandmother take deep throating lessons from Tila Tequila just to win that weeks competition?” The answer is simple. They want to “find love”. You’ve seen how quickly they can turn on the waterworks, and start mindlessly blabbering about how much they love Bret Michaels or want to be with Flava Flav for the rest of his life. They love him. Of course, by “love”, they mean they love the attention, and more importantly, the cameras. They really love the cameras. Really.

You may want to use a Dental Dam

Uhh...You may want to use a Dental Dam

I’ve had the unfortunate opportunity to work on a few reality shows and see first hand the RSC’s uninhibited lust for attention. All they want is to be on TV, even if it makes them look bad. You want me to jerk off a homeless person? OK. Really, I need to sleep with all three of those guys? And the Producer? Alright, I’ll do it!

Yet, the Reality Show Contestant does possess one unique trait. They need to be unleashed — chosen. Without cameras, the RSC is just a lunatic with serious parental issues and a loose moral backbone. But after a few sessions with Mr. Producer, they turn into well oiled TV gold.

You can find the Reality Show Contestant on any broadcast or cable network around 8-9 PM, with high concentrations on MTV and VH1. After their 10 week stint on I Love Money VII, you’ll undoubtedly see them trying to leapfrog their “stardom” into a successful entertainment career. And failing miserably.

If you ever see a Reality Show Contestant in public, please, for the love of god, do not give them attention. It will only stroke their ego, and in turn, encourage them to audition for another Reality Show.
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Also Known As: Meat Puppets, The Reality TV Doody, The Callsheet Says Love, TV’s Least Talented, Flava Sava, Who Wants To Marry A Tramp?

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#23 The Fake Friend

Oh my god, you look soooo cute!
“Oh my God, Theenk you sooooooooo much!”

There is no one as transparent and flaky as the Fake Friend. Having a party? She’ll totally be there! But don’t hold your breath, because she won’t be.

The Fake Friend is the first to call you her BFF, and the last person to actually do anything BFF-related. It’s like a penis in a porn scene: all excited and spunky, but as soon as it’s business is done, it’s flaccid and out the door.

Because the Fake Friend serves only one purpose, to butter you up. They will tell you everything you want to hear, and then some. Much like their Hollywood idols, they function on a “what can you do for me” basis, whereas the point of their conversation is to either: (1) Get something out of you, or (2) If not #1, end the conversation as quickly as possible.

Like a chameleon of uselessness, the Fake Friend appears in two main forms: the “acquaintance“, and the “newly-met BFF“. You’ve known the acquaintance Fake Friend for years, and at this point, you’ve come to expect nothing but shit-eating smiles and sunshine out of her ass. But the Newly-met Fake Friend a sneaky pawn. It could be anyone. At a party, in the office, and more often, working the sales floor at your favorite shopping destination.

To catch a FF is not difficult. Here are a few key phrases:

OMG, look at all the money I spent!“Oh my God, I love you!”
“Oh my God, That handbag is soooo cute!”
“Oh my God, I can’t wait to see you this weekend!”

Pretty much anything snarky preempted with an “oh my God!” should give you an idea of who you’re dealing with.

Don’t get me wrong, everyone has their fake moments — pretending to not despise that annoying coworker, biting your tongue around an whorish ex-girlfriend, telling your fat friend she looks “stunning”. These are the everyday lies that hold together society. But to the Fake Friend, there is no “sometimes”. Every moment is part of a transparent, over-the-top show.

You can find the Fake Friend in large quanities in Los Angeles and New York City, although Fake Friends are scattered throughout the world and in every major Retail Outlet. The Fake Friend will more than likely be an attractive female, coming from a life of affluence and ease. Although rare, a Fake Friend can be a male, although he would typically just be a Douchebag, or in LA, your Agent.

When you come in contact with a Fake Friend, especially an acquaintance that you know as a Fake Friend, beat her to the punch. Get your voice high pitched and overly excited, and tell her “Oh my God, you look soooo cute!”. Then, before she has time to react, point to someone across the room and say, “Ooh my god, I just have to talk to Becky. I’ll see you later, okaay?!!” And then leave her there in a hurricane of fake friendery. If you’re lucky, her head will explode.
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Also Known As: The Flake, The Nevershow, Your New BFF, The Award for Best Actress in a Conversation, OMG Overkill, The Wicked Witch of Your World

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