Tag Archives: mustache

#52 The Chico Stash

This mustache ruined my career!

This mustache ruined my career!

If you’ve ever noticed a man with a mustache so thin — so utterly disgusting and ratty — that you gagged and/or vomited on the spot, this is most likely the stylish workings of the Chico Stash.

The notoriously grotesque Chico Stash was originally made popular by Ralph Macchio in “My Cousin Vinny” (see above), but since has spread like herpes across a wide demographic of socially inept males. The most prevalent of these facets is within the Latino and Mexican tribes, as this smattering of loose facial hair is seen as a point of pride. You may also notice African American youths have incorporated the Chico Stash (or simply “the C-mo“) into their bag of tricks, with the neccessary accessory being a straight-brimmed hat with the sticker still on it.

Chico StashNow, it is vital to point out that the Chico Stash is also hugely popular with prebuescent boys, as these scattered brown-and-curlys on their upper lip projects a clear message to all the ladies in the room: “yeah bitches, my balls are mid-drop”. And to these sprouting youths, I wish an honest congratulations. (now seriously, shave that goddamn thing off your face).

The Chico Stash can be found almost anywhere in the country, although border towns with Mexico will find a disproportionate C-mo population. The CS will most likely be combined with: [if Mexican] a button-down shirt, with only the top button fastened; [if Latino] Chico Sideburns (aka the Toothpick Burns) that thinly wander down the side of the face; or [if a prepubescent boy] semen stains on their pants.

In rare instances, the Chico Stash may be found on a woman (this is known as “the Chica Stash”). Such women are typically homely and unkempt. Many Chicas also enjoy the habit of wearing bathing suits with a solid portion of pubic hair sneaking out from under the cloth. This is known as “disgusting”.

For those that are confused, there IS a difference between the notorious “Dirty Sanchez” mustache and that of the Chico Stash — namely the presence, or lack of, feces. Typically, men who like Chico Stashes are also huge fans of sodomy, so it may actually be a combination of both.

If you see Chico Stash, try not to vomit. Remain calm and keep eye contact on the ground. If you, or one of your loved ones, start to grow their own Chico Stash, do not panic. There is help. Have them call “the No-Mo Chico Hotline” at 1-800-822-6235. And may god have mercy on their upper lip.
_________
Also Known As: The Statutory Stash, Dirty Upper Lip, The C-mo, Public Pubes, The Rat Tail, Baby’s First Mustache, The Macchio Mistake
Related: The Pencil Chinstap

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under douche, face, haircuts, idiot accessories, los angeles, mustache, trashy

#7 The Pencil Chinstrap

the thin line between facial hair and gaycial hair.

The Pencil Chinstrap is the thin line between facial hair and gaycial hair. It’s beard meets Etch-A-Sketch. A matte frame around a meaty face.

You see, the regular chinstrap is not enough. It’s way too thick and not nearly as abrasive. For people like Pencil Chinstraps, that facial hair needs to be chiseled down. Into a barely visible, dainty line.

After all, this is not facial hair we’re talking about. This is art. Linear, mathematical douchebag art. While other men are out drinking beer, the Chinstrapper will spend hours measuring, and remeasuring. Use of a protractor is essential.

more chinsIt must be right angles at the jaw line. The sideburn area must be polished clean. The line must be as thin as possible. If they could get it down to one hair follicle in diameter, they would. In fact, they have a bunch of Guidos in a lab working on that science as we speak.

The Pencil Chinstrap will often be combined with The Blowout, The Fake Tan, and steroid use. Headbands and straight-brimmed hats are optional. Depending on how close you get to New Jersey or Long Island, combinations may become more and more extreme.

In rare instances, you may see a makeshift Pencil Chinstrap drawn on with an Eyeliner Pencil. This may occur when a Pencil Chinstrapper commits “the cardinal sin” — or for the layman, when they screw up in the shaving process, and break the line. In such situations, the burning desire for a thin line of facial hair may cause a man to act irrationally, and use makeup.

The Pencil Chinstrap is the final frontier for the meathead. They’ve conquered muscles, skanks, tight shirts…and now beards.
_____________
Also Known As: The Man’s Eyeliner, The Thin Chin Wrap, Guido Gold, The Mason/Douchebag Line, Thin Tin Tin, The Redneck U
Related: The Blowout, The Fake Tan, The Double-Popped D-Bag

12 Comments

Filed under friends, guidos, haircuts, new jersey